Note to self: stop watching TV and reading on the internet

Last night my mom called to let me know that Larry King Live's show was on Autism. I had missed the first 40 minutes of the show; but I turned it on anyway. I saw they were going to replay the show at midnight, so I taped it. After watching that last 20 minutes of it though, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have. Today, I toyed with the idea of hitting the play button on the remote when I passed by it on the list of shows to watch. Finally this evening, while I was rocking Holden to sleep, I hit play. I wish I wouldn't have.

Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?

She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.

So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.