cracking

I walked to the mailbox today and I realized that I felt like the sidewalk I was on. Cracks all over the place, but somehow, still holding it together. Sometimes, most of the time, I'm okay. I'm dealing with Holden having austism and holding it together because I know my family needs me to. Holden needs me to drive him to therapy, make his appointments, work with him at home, mix his supplements. Zoe needs me to be her mom, pick her up from school and ask her how her day was. She needs me to help her with her homework and talk about her friends. Jackson needs me to feed him, change his diaper, give him warmth, rock him to sleep. Dietrich needs me to be his wife. He needs a partner in life, and someone to be by his side. He needs me to take care of the kids, and take care of the autism, too. So, I do. I know there's no one on this earth who can take care of my kids better than I can. I honestly believe that. But, lately, I feel like I'm going to crack - like the sidewalk.

I'm angry and bitter and depressed. I have so much guilt over wanting more for my life. I have guilt for wanting my son to get better, and not have autism. Guilt for not accepting his diagnosis, but instead, wanting to change it. Guilt for being SO incredibly angry at the universe for making me deal with this. Guilt for getting mad at Holden when he stims, even though I know he can't help it.

I keep telling my friends that I just need a vacation. I tell myself that I just need ONE day. One full day of no worries. I dream of sitting on the beach, in a chair, with a book and a cooler full of beer, and watching the waves at sunset. I dream of being alone for a day. And not worrying. It's a dream, because even if I were alone - I would worry. I would be thinking of my family. Is Jackson okay? Is he feeding from the bottle ok? Is Holden doing okay? Is he stimming? Did he SAY anything today? Does he miss me? Is Zoe okay? Is she playing with her friends? Is she helping out while I'm away? Is Dietrich okay? Is he stressed because the kids are driving him crazy? Is he frustrated? Is he okay with not taking a minute for himself?

So, the reality is that I don't know when I'll ever have one of those days to myself. Days to only worry about me. I think it will never happen, and who knows, maybe it won't. My family means everything to me, and I have to think of that on days like today, when I feel like I'm going to crack - like the sidewalk. Because if I do crack, who will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of?