HATE

My husband told me the other day that he found some pictures of me in a box. He said I looked so "happy" in those pictures. He said he hasn't seen me that way, ever. I told him that the truth is that he has seen me that way, but it's been so long, he probably doesn't remember. I'm happy with the idea of my life. I have a husband, 3 kids, and I'm able to be a stay-at-home mom. I love that. It's what I've always wanted.

Now, throw autism in that story and it just screws it all up. My life hasn't been the same since we realized something was wrong with Holden. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be? If it will ever TRULY be good again. Will it? I don't know.

Today, everything is consuming me. Anxiety is killing me. Holden has been stimming nonstop for about 3 days now and it's breaking my heart into a million tiny pieces. I want to cry all the time. I have a hint of the feeling I had 7 months ago when he was diagnosed. When he goes through these modes, I also go through them. I don't lose hope, but I curse the universe. I've had other people say to me that I should accept him for who he is. And love him for who he is. My response? I love my kids more than I love life itself. I would kill someone for them. I would die for them. But I find it extremely difficult to accept autism. To accept him this way. This is NOT my son. The stimming, the sensory seeking behaviors, the frustration at not being able to talk - that's not my kid. That's autism. And I fucking HATE autism. I hate that I have days where I feel like I don't even know my own son. That I don't see his real personality, and all I see are odd, repetitive behaviors. I hate it that I KNOW he's in there and wants out and can't do it on his own. More than anything else, I hate what autism doing to my son, my family, and my life.