DAN! Doctor Update

We had an appointment with Dr. Berger last Friday. We did this appointment via phone, and it lasted for 1.5 hours. We discussed A LOT. Instead of trying to type all of it out, I've copied and pasted the notes from our call.


CURRENT TREATMENT:
ES 2 cups per bath
ES rubs once a day
Cod liver oil 2 tsp daily
carnosine 2 cap twice a day
Nu Thera 1 cap twice daily
Calcium 1/8 tsp twice a day
Factor-4, 1 cap daily
Diflucan 1/2 tsp daily
Vitamin C 1/16 tsp twice daily

STOPPED TREATMENT:
AKG - much rocking and agitation
Wt: 34 1/2 lbs

EVALUATION AND PLAN:
The repeat zinc level was not high like before, that must have been a lab error. The ratio of copper to zinc is mildly high but I don't think it is significant. The family reports they really can only do 1 Epsom salt rub a day in addition to the baths. I advise they do the best they can, but the sulfate level is in range now so he must be getting plenty. The ammonia level is normal. I see no reason to give the alpha ketoglutaric acid. The glutathione level was again low on the repeat (though not as low as we had originally seen). I would recommend the continuation of glutathione as a primary therapy. I would first like to do this as a transdermal agent to try and avoid IVs if at all possible. If we do not see a clinical improvement like we did with the low dose IV glutathione (we never got to the higher dose) or if with the transdermal we are not seeing the values of glutathione coming up, then the IV should be reconsidered. We will make up a transdermal glutathione that has 500mg per dose. For the first week, apply 1 dose a day. Then if all is fine increase to 1 dose twice a day. This is applied to the chest or back.

In addition, we discussed how MB-12 is a vitamin that helps to stimulate the internal production of glutathione. I would like to also start this therapy. The MB-12 is given as a subcutaneous injection (at a 30-degree angle) to the outer buttocks or thigh. It is given every 3 days. Place a pea-sized drop of EMLA cream (lidocaine) on the appropriate spot on the skin and rub it in well (mark the area with a ball point pen) and then give the injection about 45 minutes later. Just prior to administering, wipe the area twice with alcohol. If you see a bubble form under the skin you went to shallow, if you see any pink color to the urine, you hit the muscle and went too deep. We will use a dose of 1250mcg. It will come as pre-filled syringes. Keep them in the fridge until 1 hour before administering, then take out so it warms to room temperature. If you do not have 60 minutes ahead of time, roll the syringe between your hand for 5 minutes. Just before you give the injection, pull back on the syringe so that a small amount of air enters the syringe, then slowly squeeze the air back out. This is so the plunger will slide smoothly. Do not pinch the skin before administering. If you see anything negative from the MB-12, immediately start giving him 1/2 capsule of folinic acid twice a day. if there is still a problem 4 days later increase to 1 full cap twice a day. If things are not better several days after that, stop both treatments and call me. If you do not see anything negative, do not start the folinic acid now, rather we will try it in about 2 months into the MB-12, as for some people the addition of folinic acid brings even greater benefit. The reason we do not do it to start off with is that there are some people for whom the folinic acid blocks the action of then MB-12.

We are still seeing high dihydrotestosterone and DHEA, so we know the fluconazole did not treat this appropriately. We are seeing absolutely no yeast in the stool now, so we know that the fluconazole worked for this and any clinical improvement that was seen due to the fluconazole must have been through yeast elimination. If we were to not continue any antifungal therapy, there is a very high chance the yeast will come back I would therefore like to start him on Nystatin in place of the fluconazole and see if there is anything negative when the change occurs. If not, then in a few months we will repeat the stool to see if the Nystatin is holding the yeast down. The dose for the Nystatin would be 1/4 tsp of the pure oral powder twice a day. When you get the package, please make sure it says "for oral use".

For the hormones that are high, we discussed the various treatment options that are available (including licorice root, cortisol, lupron and spironolactone) , and at this time the family would like to try licorice root. The active ingredient that we dose on is called glycyrrhizin. The dose would be 3mg twice a day (which is just under 0.2mg./kg/dose). Prior to starting this please have his blood pressure checked locally, and until we get settled on a dose (we may need to go higher if we are not seeing the hormones come down but if the cortisol stays down) we should get the blood pressure repeated every 2 weeks. Then after 1 month we will repeat the testosterone, dihydrotestosterone and DHEA and see if there was a change. We also will get a cortisol level and there are a few other hormones that can be affected as well that we have not checked yet but I would like to look at for safety purposes. Please do not stop this therapy (unless there is a negative reaction of course) and get a refill to get you through to our next
appointment if you need to.

We went over the basics of performing a chelation challenge. I would go with rectal EDTA CaNa2 at a dose of 750mg as the challenge. We can discuss this further in the future or if the family wishes to go forward before we formally speak again, I can send the instructions. We also discussed the possibility of doing an IV chelation challene at the same time we poke him for blood since we will be in his vein already. If this is an option lets discuss it for 15 minutes before we get to the blood draw appointment.

SUMMARY:
First change over to the Nystatin.
Assuming all is fine, 1 week later start the TD glutathione at once a day.
Then 1 week later increase the glutathione to twice a day.
Then 1 week later start the MB-12.
Add the folinic acid if needed.
Then 2 weeks into the MB12 start the licorice root.
Then after 1 month of the licorice root we will repeat the hormones.
If the family is going to do the chelation challenge test before we speak again, do it 2 weeks after starting the licorice root (or with the blood draw if IV). Then we would have the urine results back by the time the hormone results are back.

Hope. Faith. Recovery.

Watching Jenny McCarthy on Oprah the other day really made me think about how it felt when I first found out about Holden's diagnosis. I remember the moment when my husband and I talked and just knew in our hearts what was going on with him. We didn't need a doctor to tell us. After a few weeks of feeling very helpless, hopeless, and just plain "out of it", I got online and started to google. Just like Jenny said, I googled "autism recovery". I looked for stories of hope. I wanted to find someone, another mom, who had gone through this and came out on the other side with a child who had recovered. And, I was surprised when I found not just 1 other mom, but MANY, who had been through this, and who were now talking about their story. I met so many wonderful women online who have given me so much support, I truly don't know what I would have done without them. It's so true that you feel alone in this world of autism. And when you have others who know what you're going through, it somehow eases the blow a little. So, I'm thankful that I've found so many great people out there. And thankful that so many have decided to share their stories of hope. Another thing Jenny said that struck a cord with me - "Hope, Faith, Recovery". I looked and found hope from other parents and now have complete faith that my son will recover from this and live a happy life. It's not an easy journey by any means, but it's a necessary one, and one that I'm committed to.

bad day

Although I watched Oprah last night with Jenny McCarthy and Holly Robinson-Peete, it hasn't helped me with the day I've had today. It's not really Holden. That's some of it. But, juggling the baby and him and everything is just wearing me thin today. Not much sleep last night, as Jackson was up from 1-3:30am. Holden's extra "stimmy" today. I don't know, maybe it's because I slacked off and didn't order his L-Carnosine on time. He's gone 2 days without it now. Which isn't good. Or, maybe it's because his dad is still gone on business (but will be home last night, thank GOD). Or maybe the change in routine - things have been a bit different for us in the past few days, with it being just me here. And, of course, I'm sure he can sense the stress coming from me. Trust me, I'm leaking stress. It's leaking from every pore in my body. I hate myself on days like this - Im' just angry at the world and it not only affects me. But it affects my kids, too.

So, I gotta get out of this slump. Somehow.

ABA Therapy

Holden gets 3 hours of ABA per week through early steps. His behavior analyst comes on Mondays & Wednesdays.

Today was a good day. He said "eat", or .... more like "eeeeeat" 5-7 times when he wanted raisins. (He loves loves loves raisins) He was more affectionate today. He climbed up in her lap and wanted her to hold him, and hug him. Funny kid. He's definitely become more social. Maybe not with kids yet, but with adults. And that's a beginning.

He was a bit "stimmy" today. But, I think that has to do with his dad being gone (again, for work), and I screwed up his nighttime routine last night. Tonight, I know better! So, we'll see how he does tomorrow. His behavior analyst stopped the stimming once today and he was easily redirected. He has this thing now. He throws - well, more like drops, things off of anything. For ex: he'll take puzzle pieces and get up on the couch and drop them one by one onto the floor. Pick them up. Repeat. So, really, it's anything that has a lot of pieces. Pieces of the perfection game, he does the same thing. If he's not dropping things off an "edge" of something, he's hiding them and sitting on them, or finding them again. I can't figure out if it's a sensory issue, or just a repetitive/stimming thing. If we can figure out how to redirect him to a different activity (if it is sensory) where he gets the same input, we would. Thing is, I can't figure out if it's visual...or tactile. I think it's tactile. He's not watching the pieces fall. He's just letting them go. I think it's the feeling of having something in his hands, and then not. He's very touchy-stimulated. Rough surfaces, etc. I thought about getting a piece of sand paper and keeping it handy, so that when he rubs on the walls, or starts to stim, maybe I can redirect him to the sand paper and see if that helps? Anyway. It's all a guessing game at this point.

The second time she stopped the stimming with puzzle pieces, he cried. He laid on the floor and cried - for 6 minutes. It felt like an eternity. She says that 6 minutes is nothing really. That "typical" 2 yr olds tantrum for much longer than that, on average.

And, on top of everything, like I said - last night, I screwed with his routine, so he didn't go to sleep till 10pm. I have a feeling by the time the last little "fit" happened today around 11am, he was ready for a nap - on top of everything else.

We went to the park today and he just loves to swing. I love him to swing because I love the look on his face. His smile. His dimples. And, most importantly, the eye contact he gives me. I can really SEE him when he looks at me ... if that makes sense.

Words!

Yesterday at the mall, we went to a store and Holden was playing with a stuffed snake. They had different colors and I asked him - do you want blue or green. He had the green snake in his hands and he said "geen". Dietrich and I looked at each other, in shock! We both heard it. He wouldn't repeat it, of course, but thats okay.

At the park today, he was in the swing. He motioned for my mom to give him her hands and then said "out". We thought he said it, anyway. So, she asked him if he wanted out and he said "out". So, yeah, I guess he really did say it!

This afternoon, he pulled a bag of chips off the kitchen counter and I put him in a chair and asked him if he wanted to eat. He said "eeeeat". Not once, but twice.

I can only hope that all of these little sounds, words, or whatever they are will increase and he'll just continue to develop speech at a quicker rate than he has been. I can't tell you how nice it is to just hear a few words throughout the day from him. What a blessing!

Crazy Week

Holden has done so, SO many new things this week.

Wed, 9/5 - During ABA therapy, I interrupted his stimming (on plastic perfection pieces) and joined in with him. He hesitated at first, but then let me. We played. He played, instead of stimmed. Or, as least, he let me join him in his stimming. We worked on the sigh for "please" and he did it, only needing a verbal prompt after the 2nd attempt. His speech therapist came right after ABA and commented on what a good mood he was in. How much more verbal he was, and engaging.

Wed, 9/5 - After dinner, he was stimming on a book - flipping the pages over and over, like he does sometimes. His back was to me. I stood in the playroom (which is next to the stairs) and said "Holden, come to mommy, time for bath". He didn't respond. I said it a 2nd time and he put the book down, got up, walked over to me, took my hand, and led me to the stairs.

Thurs, 9/6 - Lunchtime, I gave him a banana. I always says "ba-nana" when I feed him a banana. He said "nana".

Thurs, 9/6 - After picking up Zoe from school, we stopped at the park. I put him in the swing and he LOVED it. He's always liked swinging, but, before, we had to fight for eye contact twice in a 30 minute session. (We learned to do this from his OT). This time, he gave me eye contact for 90% of the time and smiled and laughed, and it was as if I could see him in there ... it's the first glimmer of really seeing that he's still "there". Also, before when we went to the park, he would shuffle his feet through the mulch, instead of being interested in any of the equipment. This time, he walked over to the equipment, climbed up, and wanted to slide. Then, when leaving the park, I was prepared for a full-on tantrum because he hates leaving. He smiled at me, I explained we had to go, and he got in his carseat with no trouble - no whining, no crying, no screaming.

Fri, 9/7 - Leaving to go pick up Zoe from school. I said "Holden, let's go bye-bye, we have to pick up sissy". He didn't even hesitate - he got up, walked to the TV, turned it off,
and came to me with arms up in the air.

Sun, 9/9 - Again, when told we were going "bye-bye", he put down his paper (he was stimming on shreading paper), went to the TV, turned it off, and came to me.

Mon, 9/10 - While in ABA therapy, the therapist stopped him from stimming and redirected him to another activity. He was "easily" redirected after only a very brief whine.

Mon, 9/10 - Dietrich came home from being gone for 3-4 days. In the evening, he was playing with a toy and when daddy called him, he turned and looked at him. He only does this maybe 50% of the time, if that.

Mon, 9/10 - Dietrich found his Big Bird we made at Build-a-Bear about 5 months ago in the garage. He would make the "ahhhhh" sound and open big birds mouth (almost like using a puppet). Holden would open up big bird's mouth with his hands and then say "ahhhhhh!" Imitating!

Tues, 9/11 - During OT, he noticed other noises going on in the room. When his OT hit a button on a electronic toy, he turned and looked. He also followed directions well. Engaged with the therapist, and made GREAT eye contact while in the swing (and out of the swing, actually).

Tues, 9/11 - During the evening, I went into another room to change Jackson's diaper and Holden walked in with Big Bird under his arm. A binkie in the other. He had his back to me and I walked over to see what he was doing - he was putting the binkie in Big Bird's mouth. Pretend play!! I said "let's go, honey", to direct him out of the room and he followed me. Then, he wanted to be rocked in the rocking chair, but while having big bird under his arms. He slept with him.

Wed, 9/12 - a.m., we woke up, and I asked if I could give big bird a kiss - he put big bird in my face to give me a kiss. We came down stairs - with big bird. We sat on the couch and I pretended to give big bird a drink from his sippy cup. He imitated me ... tried to give big bird a drink from the sippy, too.

Wed, 9/12 - During ABA, his therapist made the comment that in the past few sessions, she's noticed much less stimming.

Wed, 9/12 - When his speech therapist left, on the 2nd attempt, he picked up his hand to wave to her!!! We've worked on this for a while now, but he's never attempted to raise his hand to wave. He did it twice, unprompted. The 1st time, I did hand-over-hand and waved bye-bye. Then she waved at him again, and he lifted his hand in the air - all the while - making eye contact with her. Then, she did it again, and he followed her lead. So, TWICE, unassisted!

He's also been VERY verbal over the past week. Loud sounds, too. New sounds, or at least, sounds we haven't heard in a long time - "Ga-Ga-Ga", "Ba-ba-ba", and more. He's also imitating more sounds at night after bathtime (seems to be the best time to get him to imitate). He's also turned off the TV during the daytime hours - and has gone to find something else to entertain himself with ... toys.

I don't know what to think, or how to feel. I haven't seen this much NEW 'stuff' from him ... in this amount of time ... in the past 6-8 months. I'm happy. Thrilled. Cautious. Scared. But most of all, he just seems "happy", and THAT makes me happy. It just reaffirms my faith that one day, I'll have my baby back. It's going to take a lot of work over the next few years, but I see him in there ... and we're going to help him come back to us.

OT Eval / Goals

Today we had OT. The insurance company is asking for a re-evaluation at this point. He's been in OT for almost 6 months.

His OT, Michelle (we love her!), retested him on some items. She also revisited his original goals. He's met a lot of those goals and then some. One of his goals initially was to make eye contact twice in a 30 minute session. She said he's met and surpassed that goal. There were other goals that he's met, too. And she's created some new goals for him. We're going to continue to work on eye contact (as that's one that I always want to work on), start working on 3 step directions, and transition from session to car, and transition from 1 activity to another. We'll also work on stringing beads - as he takes the beads off of the string, but can't quite get them back on.

I can't tell you how good it felt to know that he's met most of his OT goals set for him 6 months ago. I know he's making progress, but I can't say how great it is to have the confirmation. It's a good day today.

while they're sleeping ....

I thought I better post this before both of the kids wake up. Which will probably be any minute now that I've jinxed myself.

Anyhoo. I wanted to get this down before I forget. Yesterday while the behavior analyst was here for Holden's therapy, he was stimming on little plastic pieces to the game "Perfection". He was gathering them and dropping them off the side of his table. Picking them up, dropping them again. Rinse, repeat x 20. So, I got on the floor with him and started "stimming" with him. I would let him drop them ... but in my hands, instead of on the floor. At first, he pushed my hands away. Then, after the 2nd attempt, he let me catch them. He smiled. We did this a few times. I would interrupt him and tickle him, and then let him go back to doing what he was doing. The interruptions didn't seem to anger him at all. He continued to let me join in with him, and after a while, we started working on signs. I would take the plastic pieces and not let him have them until he said "Please" (by signing it). After the 3rd attempt, he was signing "please" with only a verbal prompt.

I did this with him for about an hour nonstop. Yes, the behavior analyst was here, but, apparently, she was only doing "parent training" cause I was the one on the floor, interacting with him. But, that's another story.

Anyway, after she left, the speech therapist came over about 5 minutes later. She commented on how much more interactive he was. How much more verbal he was. And what a better mood he was in. I think by me joining in with him - it really opened the door for him to engage with us. I've heard of the "Son Rise" method, and even have an online friend who runs the program for her son. Yesterday was the first time I've seen it actually work!

Also, yesterday afternoon - I called for Holden to come eat. He didn't respond, so I called him again. I said "it's time to eat, Holden, come to mommy". He stopped what he was doing and came to me. Then, after eating, he sat on the floor and started stimming with a book - turning the pages over and over again. I stood about 20 feet from him and said "Holden, it's time for bath, come see mommy". He didn't respond, so I said it again. The 2nd time, he put the book down, got up, and walked over to me. Took my hand and took me to the stairs. The bath is upstairs. So, this tells me that not only did he respond to me, but that he UNDERSTOOD me. So, I had a few "wow" moments yesterday. It was a good day...

made my day

i thought i'd get a post in while i have a minute (cause lord knows i don't have much more than that anymore during the day).

right now, at this very second - holden's jumping on his trampoline. zoe was sitting on it, and he pushed her off, in true "holden" fashion. but, then, she got off and he pulled her hand back. he's trying to get her to get ON the trampoline with him, to jump. he's smiling at her and keeps wanting her to pick him up.

he's actually PLAYING with her. my day is officially "made".

"wonder" drug & new therapists

Holden went for his bloodwork yesterday at the DAN! doctor's office. I had gotten a prescription for EMLA cream prior to his appointment. I didn't go to his appointment, seeing as I'm 10 day post partum, and Zoe started school the day before and I needed to stay home and make sure she got to school.

The EMLA cream apparently works well. Dietrich and my mother-in-law both said he didn't flintch one bit while being poked and having blood drawn. It wasn't until they began to administer the Glutathione that he had a mild freak-out session. And, I honestly think it was because the Glutathione was so thick, that it may have burned going into the vein. When I had Jackson, they gave me a pain med in my IV and had to give it slowly because it was so "hard" on the veins. It burned like hell. So, I'm sure he also felt the same thing, since the nurse said the Glutathione is extremely thick and has to be given very slowly.

So, Glutathione is this "wonder" drug. It's not a "drug" really. It's an amino acid. Our bodies naturally produce it, so it can't be classified as a vitamin. It's the most important agent our bodies produce in order to naturally detox our systems. Holden's Glutathione levels were only 1/2 of what would be considered "normal" range. His body doesn't naturally produce it right now. We opted to have the IV push of Glutathione to see if it made a difference. It did. Last night, Holden made more consonant-vowel sounds than he ever has. He said "wow" yesterday on the way home from the doctor. He was happy. His energy level was increased and he laughed and smiled and made good eye contact. The nurse says there are ways to administer Glutathione daily. It doesn't work orally - it should be given through a cream form, or an aerosol (breathing treatments). We have a followup appointment on September 4th and I'm going to ask for some type of daily dose.

We fired Holden's behavior analyst. She called in sick ALL. THE. TIME. I liked her, but, she was just not dependable. Not consistent. I called and asked for a new thearpist. She came out today. Her name is Barbara and I like her. I think she's definitely more professional. She asked a lot of questions. When I told her that I want to learn how to do what I need to do at home for Holden when she's not there, she said "that's what I'm here for". She's more positive. Even going as far as explaining to me that many of his behaviors I told her about are "normal", but just exaggerated. And, that teaching him in a different way is what is going to help him most. Did I mention I like her? Cause I do. So, she'll be at the house from 9:30-11am every Monday & Wednesday. Here's looking forward to Monday......

He's here!

Jackson Collier Block. Born on August 10th @ 12:53pm. Weighing in at 8 lbs., 15 ozs. He's wonderful!

holy moly, we're busy!

Zoe turned 8 yesterday. 8. I can't believe it. She's just the best kid in the world...

Holden imitated me 3 times in a row on Saturday evening. He was in his highchair and I asked him to "do this" and he did 3 things I asked him to - 1.) tapped his spoon on his highchair like I did, 2.) put his hands in the air, and 3.) clapped his hands. He did them all on either the 1st or 2nd request. His eye contact has been pretty good lately, too. I don't know if it's the L-Carnosine or not. He's up 600mg. now and I'm going to add the other 200mg. in the next 2 days. Research shows we could see improvements within 1-8 weeks of being on it. He's been on for 1 week and hasn't reached the full recommended dose yet. I'm hoping for great things to come our way soon.

2 more days until the amnio on Wednesday. Then the c-section on Friday. I'm SO ready. I need a martini!

37 weeks, my 7 yr old is turning 8, and starting more supplements

There's so much going on for us, I can't keep track. But I'll try.

-I'm 37 weeks pregnant today. 8 days until the amnio, and 10 days until the scheduled c-section. Today, I had a regular appt with the OB (waste of time, as I saw a nurse who asked me if I had any questions and when I said "no", said "okay, see you later"). Then I had a NST at the hospital and they kept me hooked up for 1.5 hours because this little guy's heartrate was in the 180's. Excited, I suppose. Eventually, they let me go, thankfully. So, now, I sit and wait 8 days until the next step in this process. I cannot WAIT to get this pregnancy over with. I'm gonna have a HUGE martini!

-Zoe will be 8 on Sunday. How is that possible? I mean, just yesterday, she was born ... 8lbs. 9ozs. Now, she'll be 8 and she's starting the 3rd grade in a few weeks. I just. I don't know where it goes. The time. She's a typical 8 year old. She's turned into quite the young lady, and the best big sister in the world. She's so patient with Holden and even though she's aware there's a chance (although, be it small) that Jackson will also have "problems", she's ready to accept him and help and love him just as she does Holden. She has such a big heart, and is one of the most loving kids I know. She's respectful and parents tell me all the time what a good kid she is. We're so proud of her.

-Now that Holden's rash has disappeared and his 'negative' behaviors have subsided, we're starting the epsom salt rubs again. Along with starting the L-Carnosine. We're holding off on the Alpha Ketoglutaric Acid for now - until we check his ammonia levels at the next blood draw - scheduled for August 21st. I'm starting with a very diluted mixture of the salt rubs, hoping not to irritate his skin. And, we start off with 2 caps of L-Carnosine daily, working up to 4. I'm hoping that he has good results with these.

My friend came over for dinner this past Saturday. She's a behavior analyst and has been doing this type of work for 11 years. She told me that he's definitely improved since the last time she saw him (about 3-4 weeks ago). Said he's more engaged, and more aware of things going on. She said he's moving in the right direction - and THAT made me happy. It's hard for me sometimes to see the progress - I'm so closely tied to him. I'm never away from him, and so, people who may not see him all the time - see the changes before I do. Or at least, recognize them as progress.

We're busy over here, but i keep telling myself that August is going to be a good month!!!!

sunday

We decided this weekend to cut Holden's hair ourselves, so we didn't have to deal with the "freak out" sessions at the hair cutting place. I love it, but it makes him look more like a little boy, than my baby.

He's also improving since my last post. No more rough, red rash, and no more "rocking" or strange behaviors. Thankfully. I honestly think he was going through a detox stage, in addition to having a bad reaction to being taken off the anti-fungal meds. Whatever it was, it seems to be over and I'm just thankful.

stepping back

Holden's developed some 'strange' symptoms / behaviors over the past week. So I spoke to Dr. Berger via phone last night and we've decided to take a step back. He said when negative behaviors develop, he likes to "undo" the last step taken to see if thats causing it. We're taking Holden off of the salt rubs, and off of the alpha ketoglutaric acid - for 7-10 days to see if there's improvement. I also ran out of his anti-fungal medication and failed to refill it fast enough. He's been off of the diflucan for 4 days, which could have allowed yeast to grow back in his intestines. We're to start that again, immediately.

His symptoms/behaviors over the past week (in order):

-rough, red skin rash on his arms, upper thighs, and stomach
-vomitted (once - not sure if this was even related)
-constipation
-after constipation; black, sticky poop with "specks"
-acting frightened at a lot of things - TV, when waking up in the middle of sleep, etc.
-new stimming behaviors, including rocking back and forth (something he's never done)

Hopefully the symptoms will improve and we'll slowly add things back in to see what may have caused the negative reaction.

Pains

I've been doing the epsom salt rubs on Holden for about a week now. Today was the first time I did a morning rub, and it wasn't so bad. He doesn't like the way it feels when it starts to dry though, so, once it's dry, I wipe it off with a wet paper towel. It seems to make him a bit lethargic though. Don't know if that's the epsom salts, or if he's just been in one of those moods.

I emailed Dr. David's nurse today because he's developed a red, rough rash on his arms, stomach and legs. Kinda weird because I thought it might be the rubs, but, he gets most of the salt on his back because he can't mess with it, and his back is fine. Sooo. Not sure what that is, but I emailed to find out. He was also a bit red around his eyes, and his cheeks were red, too - this past weekend. He did the same thing when we went through taking the dairy out of his diet. It lasted a few days and then went away. So, maybe it's just his bodies way of detoxing, I don't know.

Anyway. He's into the Wiggles now, so we watch about 10 episodes a day. He loves it. He runs around when they sing and dances. He jumps on his trampoline. I'm okay with it, because it gives me an opportunity to dance around with him and try to get him to imitate some of the gross motor skills they're doing on TV. And, the activity seems to put him in a great mood.

Although, right this instant, he's wanting to be held, so gotta run. Will update more later.

Dan! Doctor Update

Holden had an appointment with Dr. Berger last Friday. He explained the bloodtest results to us and we've added a few things to his mixture of supplements, vitamins, etc.:

-Alpha Keto Acid - this is to lower his ammonia levels (1 cap / day).
-Epsom Salt Rubs - in addition to the epsom salt baths because his sulfate levels are still too low (twice / day).
-L-Carnisone - Holden has none of this in his system and Dr. Berger explained that studies show it improves symptoms in ASD kids; so this was something he really wanted us to start. We will start 2 caps, 10 days from now, and slowly work up to 4 caps per day.

We have a repeat blood test on August 21st (joy, joy - I HATE having to stick him again) at which time he will also administer an IV dose of glutathione. He's going to start with a low dose (300 mg.) and work up to a higher dose if he shows improvement. Holden's glutathione levels were one of the lowest Dr. Berger has ever seen. He would like to repeat this level just prior to infusing with the IV dose. He said if the levels are truly as low as they show on this recent blood test - then we should see a dramatic improvement with the IV dose next month.

Our next appointment with him will be 2 weeks after the bloodtest and IV glutathione.

We discussed chelation and he explained that it's very important to get the yeast levels down before starting full chelation. If not, it could have the opposite effect. We will continue the diflucan for now and will send in another stool sample test in 2 weeks to see if the yeast has cleared up. If not, we will add at least 2 weeks of diflucan onto the month he's been on it already. This will also help with his high levels of testosterone. Dr. Berger said this could be a long term medication, but he would lower the dose if using only for maintenence.

All in all, it was a good appointment. Hopefully we will continue to see improvement in Holden. I'm hopeful.

dear baby # 3,

kid, seriously, you're killing me. i'm tired, oh so tired. all.the.time. i've taken to raspberry mocha frappachinos from starbucks to get me through each day. i can't sleep at night because you're so damn heavy now that it hurts my back, hips, butt, and every organ on the inside - especially my bladder. my poor bladder - i was up 4 times last night, and lost count today of how many times i've gone to the bathroom.

you're moving like CRAZY. yesterday, i actually had to get up and walk around because i could feel your feet in my ribs. you settled down, but, started back up shortly after i sat down.

you have a schedule now. pretty quiet in the evenings - from about 4-8. then, around 8, 9pm, you're up and going strong. rolling now, not just kicking.

i'm having twice weekly NST's now, and this morning, you decided NOT to cooperate, so i had to lay on my side (uncomfortable) so they could get some reaction out of you. i reassured the nurse that you are indeed moving around in there, but your heart rate didn't elevate like they wanted. so, i had to stay connected for an extra 10-20 minutes, thankyouverymuch.

even with all of that, we cannot wait to see you and meet you. your sister is going nuts. she wants to rock you in the rocking chair. your brother is rubbing my belly and actually saying "baby" - a fete in itself. he's constantly putting his head on my belly, and has discovered that mama's boobs are now incredibly huge.

so, hurry! well, don't hurry, because we're not entirely ready. but, august 10th can't come fast enough.

love,
mama

blood test results

So, I thought I had already posted about this, but apparently my pregnancy mind is out of wack - surprise, surprise.

We got Holden's blood test results back end of last week. We haven't spoken to the doctor yet about them, his appointment is Friday, the 13th. So, we'll really find out what they all mean at that time.

But, from what I can gather and what Dr. Google has said - his results weren't good. Which, in reality, this is the one time that I'm all for his test results being "bad". Why? Because it means that there's a reason for things. Now I have proof that his natural ability to detox is just not there. Which means that he's full of toxins. Which means that we can actually DO something about it, and hope that it increases his ability to learn and focus and progress.

His ammonia levels are high. Dr. Berger thought they might be. He said this would explain the "spaciness", and cloudiness he displays. For his metabolic panel, he had low levels of 2 out of 3 things his body needs to detox. He's low in sulfate and glutathione. His regular blood tests showed low levels of a few things, and increased levels of others. When I google those things and autism - he's pretty much text book for things he's "off" on. He does have extremely high levels of zinc, which is strange. Normally, kids on the spectrum have a zinc deficiency. So, I'm not sure what that's about. I'm sure we'll get more clarification next Friday at his appointment. And then we'll learn what the next step is in his treatment plan.

In other news, 4th of July was pretty much rained out for us. No fireworks, except for the one's the neighbors set off outside. Zoe was happy with that, though, so that was good. I went for my weekly NST this morning. Everything's good with the baby so far. On Tuesday, I'll be 34 weeks and have to have NST's twice a week, which is hard with 2 other little one's and a husband that needs to go to work everyday. But, somehow, we'll make it work. We always do.

die-off

Well, we're on day 6 (or is it 7?) of the diflucan. It hasn't been TOO bad. Holden is definitely displaying some behaviors we haven't seen before. Strange things. He's taken to "scooting" himself across the tile floor. Not all the time, but enough that I've noticed. He's also had a lot of stimming lately with paper towels. The kid cannot see a paper towel without crying for it. He rips it up in little pieces and rips up the little pieces into even smaller pieces. We took away a paper towel yesterday and he freaked. He doesnt normally "tantrum", aside from the typical 2 yr. stuff. But, taking the paper towel away yesterday ... hooo boy did that cause a bigtime tantrum. He started hitting his chest like king kong, and walked over to me and started hitting me on the thigh. Hard. And he's so NOT an aggressive kid. So it was a shock for me. But, then I remembered that Dr. Berger told us that he may do that, he may become overly aggressive, and display behaviors we've never seen before. So, that's my saving grace. It's not normal for him, so hopefully it's only being caused from the die-off effect of the yeast releasing toxins into his blood stream.

He's also doing some not-so-bad things. He's more verbal. No words really, but attempting to communicate. He's definitely saying "dada", "bibi", "mama" now. I thought he was saying these things before, but now, it's a definite. And MOST of the time, he's using them in the correct context. He's also doing well with the signing. If he wants something, he almost immediately signs "please". Or, "drink". He also seems to be more here, playing with his toys and wanting to interact with us. Following his sister around enough that she had to throw him out of her room yesterday. He's also responding a lot more to me when I say "come here", or "stop". That's a good thing.

He found Zoe's perfection game. The one where you put in all the little tiny pieces (shapes) in a certain amount of time. So, he's now learning all of those abnormal shapes and where to put them. He's been working on that a lot this morning. The kid loves shapes.

Totally unrelated - it's hot as hell here. We just went to the park and I couldn't stand more than 30-40 minutes of the heat and humidity. So, so hot. And, I'll be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So much to do in so little time. It's creeping up on me, this August 10th c-section date. I have to call the new pediatrician we're going to be using and pray that she's accepting new patients. I have to draw up the document saying we don't want the new baby receiving the Hep B vaccine at birth. I have to take Zoe school clothes shopping before I'm down and out for a few weeks (her school starts August 21st). And, on top of that, our weekly therapy schedule is now as follows:

Monday - 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)
Tuesday - 10:30-11am - Speech therapy (home)
Wednesday - 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)
Thursday - 10:00-10:30am - OT (clinic)
Friday - 11:30 - 12noon - Speech therapy (home) AND 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)

Oh, and on top of that, I start twice weekly NST's for this pregnancy this week. Starting on Thrusday @ 7am. Fun.

But, we're hanging in there!

DAN! Doctor Appt - 6/18/07

On Monday, we took Holden back to Tampa to see Dr. Berger. It was his second appointment. He explained Holden's urine and stool sample results. The way he explained things to us is that there are kids he sees on the spectrum who's test results are a "slam dunk". Meaning that the results are "clear" and he knows exactly how to treat them. Then, there are kids who's results are absolutely normal. Holden falls within the 20-30% of kids he sees where the results aren't necessarily BAD; but there are enough abnormalities that require tweaking in order to get his system ready for any kind of heavy metal detox.

Updated treatment plan:
-continue epsom salt baths (night sweats are completely gone now; and this will help continue to replinish his sulfate levels that will help with natural detox).
-continue fish oil daily
-begin 30 day course of diflucan for overgrowth of yeast.
-4-5 days after beginning diflucan, we will start Factor-4 daily to help replace bifidobacter (a "good" bacteria that he's lacking according to his stool sample).
-4-5 days after starting Factor-4, start buffered vitamin C (lacking according to urine results).

Holden also had blood work drawn. They drew 6-7 vials. It was hell, yes it was. They will test for basically everything known to man. Routine stuff - CBC, kidney function, etc. They will also be testing for testosterone levels. Seems that recent studies show that kids on the spectrum have higher levels of testosterone (explains why more boys than girls are on the spectrum in the first place). They will test for zinc levels, copper levels, amonia levels. They will also test for Holden's natural ability to detox his own system.

With these results, we'll have a better idea of what we also need to correct before beginning any type of chelation treatment.

Dr. Berger explained something called the "die-off effect" while on the diflucan. He said that he sees maybe 2-3 kids a year who go through this. It's an extreme reaction to the yeast dying off while on the medication. The yeast will release toxins into the blood stream and cause an adverse reaction. He said that a few things could happen and we may notice them in the next wek or so after starting the diflucan. 1.) we may see him doing things he hasn't done before - new "symptoms" of autism. He may not sleep well. He may be cranky and upset. 2.) we may see him slip into his own shell. Not verbalize at all, and sleep pretty much constantly. or 3.) he may have the adverse reaction mentioned above as the "die-off" effect. He said that if he does have this, he will become VERY aggressive and out of control. If this happens, we're to call his office and they will give us the dosing of liquid charcoal that will help bind the toxins together and will reverse the symptoms within 24 hours.

I'm hoping and praying #3 doesn't happen.

more withdrawls? ... and moving

We've made it to day 5 of the FULL gf/cf diet - both dairy and gluten-free. Yesterday, Holden woke up with really red cheeks for some reason. No fever. Just red cheeks and looking exhausted. The best word I can think of to describe him was ... "weepy" looking. When he woke up today, the cheeks were back to normal, but by 2:30 this afternoon - they're red again. Not as red as yesterday, but red. I don't know if this is a symptom of the withdrawls from the dairy and wheat? Who knows. I'm watching to see what happens. And we have an appointment with his doctor on Monday @ 9am.

We're moving tomorrow. I'm so not excited about this. I hate moving, with a passion. I just want to own a home. Really. That's what I really want. But, that's not going to happen, at least not for a few years. We're signing a 12 month lease. And once that's up, we'll probably move. Yet again. And this time, we're thinking about Dallas. Dietrich's twin brother and his wife are there. We went last Thanksgiving and I actually like the area. So, maybe. Either way, I hope we only have 1 or 2 more moves for the rest of our lives. Cause I hate this shit.

Good thing is, Zoe's friend asked her to come stay at the beach with her for a few days. Her friend's family rented a condo in Port Orange / Ponce Inlet. I took her this morning and dropped her off. And yes, I already miss her. She won't be here for the move, so I tried explaining to her that when she comes back, she'll come back to a different house and neighborhood. It will be interesting to see how she responds.

Anyway, back to packing. Ugggg.

GF/CF Diet

The doctor recommended we try the GF/CF diet for 3 months. I was hesitant because Holden doesn't have a lot of the "digestive problems" that I hear other kids on the spectrum have. But, after talking to some of the other moms who have children either on the spectrum, or that have fully recovered, I realized that it's not a matter of allergies or just sensitivities. Because of the higher level of toxins in our kids, they're unable to breakdown or digest dairy and wheat products. These leak through their intestines and cause peptides, which turn into opiates and affect their brains. Thus, the reason they're not able to learn as quickly as other kids. And, it can cause the "high" feeling for them.

So, we're trying it. Last Tuesday, I took Holden off of dairy. Cold turkey. Tuesday night, he went to bed at 11pm, and got up at 5am (and many times in between). He took a FOUR hour nap on Wednesday and then went down Wednesday night at 8pm. He was up every hour that night. Whining. I would try and give him his sippy cup (which normally would quiet him back to sleep) with juice and water mixed - didn't want anything to do with this. He would take a sip, throw it across the room, and then cry. We were up at 5am Thursday morning for good. Both nights (Wed & Thurs), he had massive night sweats. The bed was soaked. Thursday, his eye contact was horrible. He wasn't responding to me as much as he normally does. He was in his own little world. I called Dr. Berger's nurse, who called me back on Friday and assured me that this is all par for the course. He was going through withdrawls, and that is actually a GOOD sign because it means that the dairy was affecting him, and affecting him in a negative way. It's like a druggie detoxing off of drugs.

His eye contact improved by Friday and his sleep did, too. He was pretty much back to "normal" and became more vocal. Still no "real" words, but it's still as if he was trying to communicate with us more. Coincidence? Dunno.

I planned on taking him off of the gluten next week - after we move. But, we went to Chamberlains and Whole Foods on Saturday and I decided to go ahead with the gluten-free portion of the diet. They actually have some good stuff! So, today is Tuesday and we're on day 3 of no gluten. Not sleeping well, and the eye contact is back to minimal. The night sweats aren't as bad as with the dairy, but the responding to his name is awful. Yesterday, his ABA therapist mentioned how much different he seemed - in his own little world again. Kind of "out of it".

It's hard. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself a million times a day that this is just part of it. That his body is trying to regulate itself. Get used to being without it's drugs. His brain is adjusting. Now I understand why parents give up on the diet so quickly - it's hard to watch your child going through this. It's almost as if they seem "worse" and their symptoms definitely seem worse, but I'm told to stick it out because once you get through this part of it - you'll see the improvements.

I'm hoping and praying it happens soon.

Biomedical Protocol

We had our appt with Dr. David Berger in Tampa a few weeks ago. Here's a timeline of what we've done so far:

May 18th - 1st appt with Dr. David

May 19th - started epsom salt baths (1/2 cup per bath) & cod liver fish oil (1 tsp.)

May 21st - stopped cod liver fish oil (supposed to wait until he's been in the epsom salt baths for 1 week before starting, so I stopped to get things back on track).

May 25th - started cod liver fish oil again (1.5 tsp., increasing to 2 tsp.)

May 27th - started NuThera hypoallerginic vitamins (without A & D). 2 capsules per day, mixed with milk or juice.

May 30th - gathered stool and urine samples for labs. Sent in Fedex.

Dr. Berger thinks Holden has a sulfate deficiency, based on a few of his symptoms that suggest it. His symptoms include: night sweats, bumps (or rash) on the back of his upper arm, and the tips of his ears are more red than his cheeks. He explained that our bodies need sulfate to be able to detox itself from toxins that are in our bodies. The epsom salt baths are supposed to help replinish the sulfate. Based on what I told him, he thinks I may have a "sluggish" detox system too. Which means that it wasn't a good thing to consume a lot of sushi and tuna melts while pregnant with him.

The cod liver fish oil is from Nordic Naturals. It's strawberry flavored. I can't stand the smell of it, but Holden doesn't seem to mind the taste, too much anyway. Dr. David says after 2 weeks or so on the fish oil, we should see an increase in attention, focus, and eye contact. I hope so.

The stool and urine samples I'm sending off today are to test for a huge array of things. Overgrowth of yeast, which he suspects he has from the prolonged use of antibiotics. Holden was on antibiotics for the first 14 months of his life due to hydronepherosis and bi-lateral kidney reflux. I think this urine test will also test for toxins and metals in his system.

Dr. Berger also suggested a few things for me since I'm entering the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy. 1.) he suggested I take 1 capsule of omega 3's fish oil everyday (which I purchased from him). 2.) epsom salt baths. 3.) Vitamin B12 w/folinic acid nasal spray. I haven't gotten this yet, it had to go through a compound pharmacy.

Our followup appointment is June 18th. At that appointment, they'll do bloodwork, which will not be fun. Dietrich will definitely be going to that appointment with me!

So, we're hoping for the best. I've talked to a lot of moms and if nothing else, my son will be more healthy than he ever has. I truly believe that his autism and symptoms were triggered by the vaccines he received, the antibiotic use, and other environmental factors. I hope we can get his body and brain back to where it should be, so that we can begin his recovery.

*crossing everything I have*

"sissy"

I went in to wake up Holden this morning. Zoe came in and got on the bed. She went up to him to give him a kiss and he said "sissy". Her eyes got SO big and she said "mama, he said SISSY". I said "yes, he did sweetie". He smiled. When it was time to take her to school, I told him we were taking sissy to school. We walked into the garage and he said "sissy" again. It just made her day. And mine, too.

moving on

I finally got a few calls from the providers who will be doing Holden's in-home therapy from Early Intervention. Finally. The behavior therapy will start the 1st week of June. I don't have exact dates and times yet, she's calling me next week to give me those. Let's just hope she actually calls. If not, I'll call again. I think they know that about me by now. The Speech therapist called me today. She's going to try and schedule something for as soon as next week, so that would be nice. Should know for sure in a few days, as she "said" she'd call me back. I'm hopeful, she sounds 'nice'.

Holden has an appointment with Dr. Berget in Tampa. He's a pediatrician (M.D.), but he's also a DAN! doctor. I don't know what to expect with the first appointment, but I'm anxious to get the biomedical approach started. I've talked to a lot of moms lately, and the majority have seen improvements in their children. I firmly believe this will be Holden's case, too.

I've started going to a playgroup once a week through EI. It's held at a local church, and even though the 1st time (last week), Holden really just played with the toys, it was nice. He was at least around other people. And, the other kids there were either too young to play with, or weren't interested either. So, they're having another one tomorrow and I'm hopeful that he'll "play". I also met another mom with a 2.5 year old diagnosed with PDD. She's asked us to come over next week for a playdate. Curious to see how the kids react without so many people and toys around.

I took him to the mall playground today. It was great, actually. He did awesome. He was running around, just like the other kids his age - bumping into other kids. Laughing, running, playing. He seemed to really have fun. He was smiling. He even went up to a few kids, but, honestly, I think it was just because he wanted to steal their binkies. Oh well, I'm going to count it as being somewhat social! He didn't avoid them, afterall.

Zoe's almost out of school. She gets out at 1pm on Friday, Monday and next Tuesday. Then she's done for THREE whole months. School starts late next year. August 21st. I can't believe she'll be in the 3rd grade. Wow, how time flies. She's such a good kid though. We are so lucky. She's beautiful, smart, nice, polite, and respectful. I can't tell you the number of times that adults (kid's parents, or just people we pass in the supermarket) have told me how "polite" she is. It's so good to hear coming from her peer's parents. I've mentioned to Dietrich that I actually would prefer her be more polite and respectful to other people and their homes, than to us! I tell her every day how much I love her because I just don't want a day to go by without her knowing how much she's loved.

Lucky, is what we are.

And, here's a picture of the little guy in-utero. Today, I'm 26w1d.

Early Intervention & MORE progress

Everyone tells you "you're doing the right thing by getting your son help while he's young" and "early intervention really works!".

Well, if I could get a therapist to call me back, then I might agree with them. It's been almost 3 weeks since Holden's evaluation and services were approved. 3 different therapies: at-home speech (2x per week), at-home behavior (3 hours per week), and behavior/daycare environment (3 hours per day). Funny thing is, the 3 hours per week of home behavior therapy goes away once he gets into the preschool/daycare environment. But that's beside the point. Anyway. I've called both consulting companies for the speech and at-home behavior therapy. I'm now being told that he's been "assigned" to a therapist, so the therapist will call me back to schedule an initial appointment and his weekly therapies. No call. No one has called. I've called every 2 days, asking for updates. Yesterday, I was told that the speech therapist that he's been assigned to just happens to be out of town this week and "will be back sometime next week". Meaning that she'll have to play catch up and probably won't be able to call me until the week after, and then not schedule an initial appointment with us until the following week. So, yeah. Probably at least another 3 weeks until we can get in for speech. The at-home behavior people tell me he's been assigned ... just have to wait for the therapist to call. I called for an update yesterday and left a message. No call back yet. The daycare/preschool ABA thing - they don't have an opening right now and it may be as late as June/July before then do. Which really means August/September in english. I am frustrated people. Everyone tells me what a great job I'm doing getting him into Early Intervention so "early". Well, if I'd waited another 2 months, he would be turning THREE before they made any appointments, and he wouldn't qualify any longer. Every DAY that goes by, I get a little more pissed that no one's taking me seriously.

Progress. This is what keeps me going and helps me have a positive outlook . Holden's saying "mama" now. I mean, he said it before - but stopped when he lost all language. BUT, he said it again. And he keeps saying it, although I'm not sure he is using it in the corrrect text. He did look at me once and said "mama", so I know he used it correctly at least 1 time. He's also starting to imitate me. I stick out my tongue, he sticks out his (I think just to lick me really, but still, I'll take it!). About 20 minutes ago, I took his binky and held it out of reach and tried to make him say it - or at least make the "ba-ba-ba-ba" sound for it. He looked at me when I said "ba-ba-ba-ba" and he repeated the sound. He's NEVER done that. I take that to mean that he's more aware and if I can get him to imitate sounds - maybe speech and language will follow. That's my goal anyway.

We went to visit my mom over the weekend. Zoe and Dietrich were out of state, so it was just me and Holden. We went to my aunt's house. Holden was playing on the floor and she said "he just looks like a normal little boy to me". It felt good. Because, I've always said that if you didn't know the signs, you would look at him and just think he's like any other 2 year old. He was very "social" with them, too. And he's not around them much, so it's not because he's used to them. He took my aunt's hand and brought her into their kitchen to ask for a drink. I was shocked that he took someone else's hand but mine.

After we got home from our little trip away, we stopped at the grocery store. We were standing at the deli counter and a dad came by with his little boy in a shopping cart. Holden looked at the little boy, stared at him practically, and watched him go by. He normally doesn't notice other people, and especially kids. When he did that, my heart smiled.

Today, while watching the Wiggles on TV, they were running in place, singing a song - and I looked and Holden was watching and running around like they were. He was imitating them. He's never done that before.

So, although I'm dealing with a crap system that takes 2 months to get services for my son who needs them - I still see the progress he's making and it makes me happy. I'm playing the role of "mama" and therapist right now, and of course I don't mind. I'll do anything to help him. But, sometimes I'm scared I'm not doing things right. I just need some guidance, and it seems almost impossible to get.

to vaccinate or not to vaccinate

Vaccinations are a touchy subject, especially within the autism community. I'm figuring that out. Since Holden's symptoms came to "light", I've done a lot of researching online. I've talked to a lot of moms who have gone through, or are going through, the same thing I am. I think it's one of those situations where you have to talk to someone who knows what it feels like.

Anyway, I had a lot of reactions when realizing Holden had problems. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't raise a child with special needs and do all things appropriately for his development. I was anxious for his future. Would he ever go to school and have friends? Would he be able to live on his own? Would he get married and have a family? I even went through a grieving process. I felt like I'd lost my child, even though he was right there in front of me 24 hours a day. He was here, but not really "here". And he had been. He had normal development until around 15 months of age.

Research I've done online suggests that the majority of these kids do just as Holden did. They develop normally for the first 15, 18, 22, 24 months of life. They're happy. They reach their developmental milestones. They call you "mama" and "dada". They dance. They sing. They love. Then, gradually, it's all taken away in a matter of 6 months. So, my question was this: WHY do they develop normally and then gradually fall victim to autism? Research shows there's a high probability there's a genetic component. I can accept that. But, another question: If it's ONLY a genetic component, why isn't it evident earlier? Why do they develop normally and then lose function? I'm not an expert, and I know I haven't seen all of the research and evidence out there, but it just seems logical that there's some kind of environmental trigger. Right? Something must set this thing off in our kids. A lot of people are born with genes - such as the breast cancer gene. Do all of those people develop brease cancer? No. Why? Why not?

There are a large number of parents who feel that vaccinations may be one of those environmental triggers that set our kids down the lonely path of autism. Or, not vaccinations, but rather the preservatives found in vaccinations. And, also, the amount given to our children and how much it's increased in the past 20 - 30 years. It's a strong argument, and one that I can't ignore. I wonder about it all the time. I wonder because with Zoe, everything went as planned. Vaccinations were given at well baby checkups. She may have been cranky, but that was the extent of her "reactions" to these shots. I remember so vividly Holden's MMR vaccine at 15 months. I even distinctly remember him being given the shot in the docs office. He had a terrible reaction and for 3-4 days after receiving the shot, he ran a fever of 103, 104 (even with motrin and tylenol to reduce the fever), he didn't eat, he didn't even cry much. He laid there in his pack n' play and I remember checking on him constantly. He just looked so miserable. I assumed it was "normal" and that some kids just have worse reactions than others.

That may have been the case. But, doing the research and reading about it on sites such as http://www.generationrescue.org I can't help but wonder if the vaccinations may have been a trigger that caused his decline in development at that stage of life. So, out of curiosity, I checked his shot records this weekend. I did it because a lot of parents in forums online said that thermisol was phased out of vaccinations in 2003. Holden was born in 2005, so that means he was "safe" from the mercury and other heavy metals that had previously been in vaccinations, right? His shot records have the date of the vials recorded on the chart. The oldest vaccination he was given was dated 1998. The MOST RECENT vial was from 2001. He received TWO flu vaccinations (the same shot) because the refrigerator at his pediatricians office stopped working on the day he received his first dose - so in order to make sure it was "effective", they re-did that shot. From what I've heard from other mothers, flu vaccines have one of the highest levels of mercury. He just turned 2 on April 10th and he's had no less than 15-20 shots to date. I can't help but wonder what that's done to his immune system, seeing as it's not even developed yet.

It's a debate that I personally think will wage on forever. Even if evidence is found that these vaccinations ARE in fact an environmental trigger for these kids who are already pre-disposed to the autism gene, it will never be allowed to go on record. Pharmaceutical companies are way too powerful to let that happen. Instead, we will always wonder and until the "old" vaccinations are truly phased out of our children's lives - we'll never know if the numbers will decrease without the preservatives that are in the vaccinations.

I've chosen to take Holden to a DAN! doctor within the next month. I want to test his levels of heavy metals and toxins in his system to see where they stand. If his levels are high, I'll go through the DAN protocol and hope and pray that it helps his symptoms and that we see an improvement once his body rids the metals and toxins. Our new baby will NOT be vaccinated - not until we know more, or until he's 4 yrs old - which ever comes first. It's a personal decision on our part, and I think it sucks that I feel as though we're sometimes judged for choosing this as an option for our child. But, that's just it - it IS our decision and we'll do what's best for our family. No one else will. Because, in reality, who else cares enough to do what's best for our family and our children? They don't have to live with the consequences.

Two. Already.

the kids

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. This pregnancy is flying by. I guess because I'm so busy with everything else. I'm feeling a little more movement than I was last week. So, although he's not as active as Holden was ... he's giving me a few kicks here and there to let me know he's still in there!

Holden starts week 4 of therapy this week. He's doing well with the therapy, but I can't help but feel helpless on the days when he doesn't have thearpy. Like I should be doing so much more than I am, but don't know how. My best friend lives in CA and she put me in touch with a friend of hers whose son was diagnosed a few years ago. He's now 6. I spoke to her last night on the phone and she gave me some valuable information about the biomedical approach to autism. Her son has never received therapy (ABA, Speech, OT, etc.). He's doing great now and she explained in detail things like supplements, chelation therapy, etc. I've contacted a DAN doctor in Tampa and we're just waiting to save the money for an initial consultation. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help my son. In the meantime, we'll continue with the therapy and hope for the best.

Zoe went to spend the night with her grandmother on Saturday night. She took her to an Easter program that was, apparently, pretty graphic. She enjoyed it. However, now she's "scared of the devil". We had conversation after conversation about this yesterday and just when you think she's okay ... she's not. She won't walk into another room without one of us. She won't sleep in a room without one of us. Even with the TV on, lights on, and dog with her. It sounds silly, but she is genuinely scared. Like, shaking scared. I feel for her, but really don't know what to do at this point. My husband says she has to face her fears and be alone in a room so that she can see that nothing is going to "happen" to her. I know he's probably right, but I can't leave her when she's so frightened. It sucks. No more church programs for her - at least not until she's older!

Oh, and since April is National Autism Awareness month, my sister-in-law bought me a bracelet with an Autism ribbon and a heart that says "together, we can make a difference".

i don't know

I don't know if the little "fits" that Holden's throwing are normal, everyday, typical toddler "fits". Or are they due to the autistic behaviors? He'll be 2 in 2.5 weeks. So, one should expect that he would start doing toddler things, right? Like tantrums, for instance. But, how do I know if it's normal behavior, or if it's because he's resistent to change or he's over stimulated? Today we went to the park. Before we left the house, I turned off his Baby Einstein video and he cried. Cried in the car for about 30 seconds, and by the time we were out of the driveway, he was fine. We went to the park and I let him swing for about 15-20 minutes at which time he looked and smiled at his sister and another little girl who were swinging next to him. I swore I even heard him say "issy" for sissy. But, I don't know for sure. I take him and let him walk around a little, where he ignored the kids, and walked through the rocks and mulch. After about 5 minutes, I told him we had to go. I picked him up and he started squirming - trying to get down. Then came the crying (as he could see we were walking towards the car), and the screaming. Crying and screaming when I put him in the carseat. And once we were out of the driveway of the park, he was done. I wondered all the way home if this was just a normal toddler meltdown, or if it's part of his autistic behaviors. I DON'T KNOW and it's frustrating as all hell.

Optimism, even just for today.

We went to OT this morning. When we sat down, the therapist said she wanted to talk to me. I cringed at first because I had no idea what she wanted to "talk" about.

She told me that she and Beth (Holden's Speech therapist) had talked about him and his progress. She said they were both in agreement that his progress had been wonderful, seeing as he'd only had 4 sessions each. They say he's interacting a lot more with them than they thought. She said she realizes that Holden came in for the evaluations and therapy, due to the diagnosis (although not official, obviously) of "autistic tendencies / behaviors", but she said they really think he will "beat this diagnosis". She said she thinks they are going to be able to "get him out of it". She was quick to say that it's clear he has sensory problems and that's something that will need to be worked on at home and therapy. And he obviously does still have autistic behaviors, but she's optimistic in thinking that he can overcome this and eventually be mainstreamed into school, etc.

I know I can't read too much into this good news. Because I know that realistically, our son needs a lot more therapy and it's a long term thing. BUT, I've noticed improvements in his behaviors (eye contact, interacting with his sister more, showing emotions (kissing me/hugging me), socializing with me) over the past 3-4 weeks. He's made a lot of progress, compared to where we were when we started this whole thing over a month and a half ago. So it was good to hear that someone else (a professional) acknowledges his progress, too.

So, for today, I am happy. I am optimistic. Everyone says ... take one day at a time. Well, I'm doing that, and today I'm going to be happy and optimistic about Holden's therapy and progress. Tomorrow may be different.

Note to self: stop watching TV and reading on the internet

Last night my mom called to let me know that Larry King Live's show was on Autism. I had missed the first 40 minutes of the show; but I turned it on anyway. I saw they were going to replay the show at midnight, so I taped it. After watching that last 20 minutes of it though, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have. Today, I toyed with the idea of hitting the play button on the remote when I passed by it on the list of shows to watch. Finally this evening, while I was rocking Holden to sleep, I hit play. I wish I wouldn't have.

Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?

She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.

So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.

Late, but worth it.

I'm posting this late - our anniversary was 2 weeks ago. This is what my husband wrote in the card he gave me:

Rhonda,

It's been hard the past few months and it will get a little more difficult because we are going to start expecting results; if those results aren't to our liking, or aren't fast enough, we'll get upset or frustrated or both. Holden is lucky, I don't know what he would do without you. I don't know what any of us would do.

I know you think you're weak, or that you have been weak with this whole thing with Holden, but you're strong. Stronger than I could be. I couldn't handle the day in, day out like you do. I don't know how you have managed as well as you have, especially being pregnant.

You make so much possible for me and our children. They don't make your life, but your life makes them and they, or we, are lucky.

Happy 2 years,
Me.

He's an angel.

Progress.

Holden started his 3rd week (I think, or maybe it's his 2nd full week) of OT and Speech this week. We had a dual session yesterday - where the ST and OT basically "gang" up on him. Do both OT and Speech in the same session; to try and keep him focused. It helps. He enjoys OT the best simply because he gets to swing. I guess i'ts calming to him. Anyway, both therapists told me that they couldn't believe how much he's opened up in such a short period of time. His eye contact improves daily. His play skills (puzzles, shape toys, magnadoodle, etc.) are getting much better. Meaning, that instead of just lining up the coins that go into the singing piggybank, he actually puts them IN the piggybank. He knows what to do with some toys that he didn't know what to do with before. He's communicating with us by bringing things to us now. He never used to do that. I would always have to guess and look for his sippy cup to see if it was empty, etc. Now, he'll come to me, take my hand and shake his sippy cup (empty) and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to watch a baby einstein video, he'll bring me the remote, take my hand and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to be held, he'll take our hands and put them under his arms to be picked up. It's good. But, he's not trying to sound out the words like he used to. I talked to the ST about this and she said that we still need to encourage him to make sounds. Especially if it's sounds that we've heard him make before. But to be careful not to push him into a point of frustration where he shuts down. So I'm working on that at home with him. At least, as she said, he's trying to communicate with us and he realizes that he gets something when he lets us know he wants it. I may talk to them tomorrow at the next session to discuss using PECS since he's bringing things to us now. Although it may still be too early. Oh, and he just reminded me - he's laughing at things on the videos now. If animals are being silly, he'll laugh. If we clap for him - for doing something good - he'll smile. He's realizing emotions which is great. He's flipping through a book now. Not really looking at the pictures yet, but he's much more interested, since the ST is reading to him a lot in the sessions. I'm also reading to him a lot at home. At least 2-3 times a day. We read Eric Carle books, which she said are great, because the words are repetitious. I'm so glad I started him in therapy now. At least I feel like I'm doing something to help him and improve his little world.

I'm 18w1d. Baby is growing and is about 1/2 a pound now, according to the last ultrasound. In 3 weeks, I have to go back for another ultrasound and to have an EKG on the baby's heart. Doc says it's "standard procedure" when diabetes are involved. I hope he's being honest. Oh, and all prenatal labs came back negative, which is good. Pap was negative. So, things are moving right along. Still haven't felt a lot of movement, which is strange to me. With Holden, I felt it VERY early on - like it was constant enough that at 17 weeks when I didn't feel anything for a few days, I panicked and went in for an appointment to hear the heartbeat. I've felt this little guy, but not often. Maybe once a day and it's very very slight. I'm wondering if it's just that my mind is so preoccupied with Holden and Zoe and other things that I'm just not paying attention? Maybe.

Zoe's doing so good in school. Honor roll. Yes, our kid made the honor roll on her last report card. So, so proud of her. So much so that she earned herself a Nintendo DS. She's such an awesome kid.

my goodness, i could go for a BIG glass of wine

So I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I had an appointment with the high-risk doctor. Ultrasound looked good. He came in and started looking at the baby's heart. Slow motion. Look again. Slow motion. You get the picture. He told me that in 4 weeks when I come back, they'll do another US and an EKG on the baby. I asked him if that was a "normal" test they did and he said that with diabetes being involved - yes. They do an EKG around 20-24 weeks on the baby's heart just to make sure everything's fine. I'm going to trust this guy and try not to give it a second thought, other than it's just normal procedure. Cletus is measuring right on track (17 weeks) and is about 1/2 a pound now. I've lost a total of 11 lbs since 8 weeks pregnant, and he didn't seem concerned, so I'm not going to be, either.

Last weekend, we all had the flu. All. Of. Us. All 4 of us. Stuck in this house together, puking and shitting our brains out. I'm not kidding when I say I was puking every 30 minutes for the first 4-5 hours, and shitting in between. Try doing that AND taking care of 2 kids who have the same thing. Not fun. We all slept out in the living room - kids on the floor with towels and me on the couch, wide awake every time one of them moved. Dietrich slept in the bedroom because he didn't start with all the yuckies until around midnight. Today's Thursday and we're just now getting back on track here. Thank god. Whatever it was - sucked major ass.

Holden finished his 2nd week of therapy today. He's now in ST and OT twice week (30 minutes each), so 2 hours total. I'm learning some techniques to do with him at home and he seems to be responding much better this week than last. I guess it takes some getting used to at his age. He's using the sign for "more" all the time now. Although, he uses it more for "I want", instead of just "more". He's also making much better eye contact, which is a good thing. I really think when he starts talking (hopefully soon), he'll be a much happier little boy. Right now, he gets extremely frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants.

I'm doing much better this week. I think the being sick thing was a blessing in disguise. I remember thinking, while we were all feeling near death, that we're incredibly lucky to have our health. Yes, this autism "thing" blows, but, overall - it could be much much worse. My kids are healthy and happy, and even though they may have some challenges to overcome - don't we all? Also, Dietrich's friend at work was telling him about his 9 year old nephew. He started having "fits" of vomitting and shaking - kind of like a seizure, and they found a cyst in his brain. I just. Wow. My heart goes out to his family. I know there's no cure for autism and I know that it's something we'll live with forever. But, with hard work and dedication - I think Holden can overcome this and continue to be the happy little boy that he is now.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'll be crying tomorrow. About something. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain hormonal.

16 Weeks & More

Today I'm 16 weeks pregnant. My quad blood screen came back negative for all of the genetic problems they check for, so that's good. My sugars suck first thing in the morning - my fasting levels are high. Which means, I'll have to start insulin injections at night (soon, I just know it). I've lost 9 lbs total since my first appointment at 8 weeks. Which, normally would thrill me to no end.

Since my last post things have been hectic, to say the least. There's been a lot of stress, worry, tears, lack of eating, sleepless nights, and more tears. In the past 1-2 months, we've come to realize that Holden is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I saw somewhere because we haven't been given an official diagnosis, other than he has "autistic tendencies". In the past 2 weeks, we have seen his regular pediatrician, had a PT evaluation, an OT evaluation, a Speech evaluation, and spoken to our family care coordinator with the Early Intervention program.

Today is his first day of Speech Therapy. He can only do 30 minutes sessions because of his age, so today, from 4-4:30, the journey begins. Thursday, he will have Speech and OT. Luckily, he wasn't recommended for PT at this time. He's in the 19m-27m age level for PT; so, that's a good thing. One less thing to focus on. I have no idea what to expect with these 30 minute sessions. It's hard for me to imagine that therapy can take place in 30 minutes. But, I'm going to leave it to the experts and hopefully I will learn a lot in the process.

I've been worried about Holden for a few months now. He was right on target with developmental milestones until around the age of 15, 16, 17 months. He had a few words in his vocabulary - not many. "Mama", "Dada", "Bella", "Yes", "No". During those 3 months (from 15-18), he lost those words. Actually, he became very quiet during that time. Not a lot of babbling, or noises of any kind. He picked up the babbling again around 18 months and we thought for sure that would be the turning point. That he would start talking and having conversations with us. It didn't happen. We thought maybe it was just because he wasn't exposed to other kids, as I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. But, daycare costs weren't in our budget, so we decided against putting him in daycare. We thought maybe it was because he just watched a little too much Sesame Street during the day. We thought maybe he was just a boy and a "late bloomer" and would start talking soon. It didn't happen. In the meantime, I googled "Speech Delay in Toddlers" and noticed that practically every link available took me to a site for autism. I began to read the signs and symptoms and realized that maybe it wasn't just a speech delay afterall. He had signs. He had symptoms. My heart fell into my stomach.

Holden doesn't have a lot of eye contact. More with me, and his dad - than with strangers. I would say he makes eye contact maybe 50% of the time that he should. He responds to us calling him maybe 50% of the time as well; although that's delayed. I'll call him and he won't respond for 10 seconds or more. He loves stacking his blocks, taking them down, restacking them. He never brings me to his toys, or shows me anything he may want, or need. He doesn't play with his cars like he should. He plays with them, but only to put them in a pile in his lap or crawl over them. He likes books. But he likes to turn the pages, not necessarily l0ok at the pictures or let mama read to him.

With that being said, he loves hugs. He loves to be held and for me to rock him any time of the day. He has the biggest, most hugest dimples when he smiles, which has been more frequent lately. He loves bubbles, and has even learned a few new words in the past few weeks. He says "bubbles", "dada", "didi", "bibi", "juice". During the Speech evaluation last week, she tried to teach him the sign for "more". He now does it, although sometimes it looks more like he's clapping than the real sign for it. But, I know what he means. He listens when I tell him to "get down", or "stop", or "no", so I know he hears me, and understands what I say. I've been told by other moms that it sounds as though he's on the mild end of the spectrum. Which, is good, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

But, some days, I'm overwhelmed by this label that's soon to be put on my 2nd born child, my little boy. I know the diagnosis is coming, as we have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician on April 17th, followed by a 2.5 hour evaluation by the Early Intervention program on April 19th. I know that it won't change who he is. I know he'll still be my sweet little boy that hugs me for no reason and gives me kisses. I'll still sleep in bed with him each night and hold him close, as I say a prayer that he will be protected and that I'll somehow have the strength to get through this and give him everything he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, I worry. I worry every waking moment of every day, and every sleeping moment of every night. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying, I wake up in the middle of the night ... worrying. I worry that he won't experience some of the joys of life. That he won't grow up and have friends, play soccer, get his drivers license, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a good job, get married and have kids of his own. I worry because of all the negative things I read about kids who are on the autistic spectrum. It consumes me, literally. I can't watch my favorite TV shows at night without thinking about autism, and worrying about him. I just sometimes feel like I need a break. A break from thinking. Everyone says "have faith" that things will work out. Or, "you're doing all you can". Or, "you caught it early and he'll be fine". The truth is that no one knows if things will work out, or if he'll be fine. I want so desperately to be positive about this. I want to feel okay with it. I want to be able to accept it. And not watch other moms with their sons cross the parking lot, or watch boys walking home from school when I wait to pick up Zoe each afternoon, and ask "why me?" I want to know that there's a purpose for this. That it's happening for a reason and goddamn it, I want to know what the reason is. Why my precious little boy has to struggle and why things can't just come naturally for him. Why.

I've always known how much I love my family. But, in the past month or 2, I've come to realize that my kids and my husband are truly my life. My family is my support system. My husband is my rock, and my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. My kids make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to share their lives. Even my parents and my brothers, and my in-laws - they've all shown me what family really means. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to realize how many blessings we have in our lives. I have so many. So, so many.

I sometime wish this roller coaster of emotions would just stop and let me off.

10 weeks, today

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, today. Hey, every day counts, trust me. At least for me anyway. I'm not the best pregnant woman to be around. 7 years ago when I was pregant with Zoe, I was miserable. Tired, sick, uncomfortable, HOT (that's what I get for going through pregnancy in the dead summer in Florida), and just plain wanting the pregnancy to end. In a good way, of course. With a healthy and happy baby ... but just to be over. She was stubborn and I ended up being induced a week after her duedate. After 22.5 hours of labor, she was here, finally. You know, you expect the immediate bond a mother should have for her children. But after 22.5 hours, I was exhausted, full of rushing hormones, and frankly just not wanting to be bothered. I had a LOT of guilt for not feeling what I thought I should with my happy, healthy baby girl. When it was all over with, I ended up in my room on the maternity floor at 11:30pm. I chose not to breastfeed with her, mainly because I was a single mom and had to go back to work as soon as I possibly could, and just didn't know how I would handle that and breastfeeding. (Now I know it's not so bad, and that it can be done. Then, I was naieve, I guess). So they asked if I wanted her with me, or in the nursery. I opted for the nursery. At 5:45am, they brought her in to me and from that point on, she's been the joy of my life. There may not have been the immediate bond that I thought there would be, but the day after I had her, we laid in the hospital bed and cuddled, snuggled, and bonded. I'll never forget that day. Zoe's now 7 and a half yrs old.

Bring pregnant with Holden was much different. Zoe was already 5 and in school, and it had been a while since I had gone through the "joys" of prenancy. With him, I was still extremely tired, sick, and uncomfortable. See: not the best pregnant woman to be around. I found out at 24 weeks that I had gestational diabetes. What a new experience that was. I went through diabetes education and met with a nutritionist who helped me develop a diet. She said that "most" women can keep the diabetes under control with diet alone. Well, no such luck for me. My sugars were out of control, so the next step was to see a perinatologist who specialized in pregnancy and diabetes. First, he tried an oral medication (Gliburide). Didn't work. Next came the insulin injections. Morning & night. It wasn't working either though, and they had to create a cocktail of 2 different insulin meds - a fast acting and slow acting. Getting the right doses was difficult, to say the least. We never did get things under control completely, and I went in for bi-weekly stress tests to make sure he wasn't getting so big that he was running out of room. They monitored his heartbeat and kick count. The doctor scheduled a c-section because they estimated him at at least 9 lbs. (this was at my 38 week ultrasound). He was born a week later and weighed in at 9lbs. 13ozs. Going through the c-section was strange. Knowing they were cutting me open, and not feeling a thing. Strage. I remember hearing him cry and letting out a big sigh of relief. I remember when they wheeled me out of the OR, they put him on my chest and the kid felt like he weight 20 lbs. His blood sugar was really low after birth, so they had to immediately feed him 4 ozs. of formula to get his sugar up. He regulated and ended up just fine. He's happy, and healthy and a joy to be around. I did choose to breastfeed him, by the way. He's now 2 months shy of being 2 years old.

Dietrich always wanted 1 more child. I wasn't so sure after the last pregnancy with the diabetes, insuline, stress tests, c-section, etc. But, lo and behold, 10 weeks ago, we made another little one. I was actually shocked at the pregnancy test results. But, happy nonetheless. Nervous though. Nervous that this pregnancy will be like the last. That I would be ... of course, tired, sick, uncomfortable. Well, so far, I'm tired (that's for sure). But, not so much sick. Little bouts of nausea, but nothing...NOTHING compared to the last 2. I had my first appointment with the perinatologist yesterday. I have a regular OB/GYN and a high-risk doctor because of the problems with diabetes last time. Oh, and because of my "advanced maternal age" as the doc says. I had to go through the diabetes education again, and we created a high protein, low-card diet again, because I've been checking my sugar for a week now and apparently already showing signs of the gestational diabetes. The doctor was worried that I could already be a Type 2 diabetic and didn't know it. But, blood tests showed that's not the case. Yet. It's the pregnancy hormones that are causing the high sugar levels, at least for now. So, we'll follow the diet to a "T", and we'll do what we need to do to make sure this kid isn't another 10 pounder and that it's healthy. And that mama's healthy, of course. Hopefully we can steer away from the insulin this time around, as the giving myself shots again makes me shudder. This will, however, be another scheduled c-section.

Regardless, here's baby #3 and the conclusion of our little family. Although my kids are my greatest joy, this is it for me. I will definitely make sure of that!

WTF?

It seems that no matter what I eat, I feel guilty for eating. Like, I just shouldn't eat at all. I don't know why. Even if it's something that's 'good' for me, I still feel guilt for eating. I normally drink a LOT of water, even with meals. So, maybe it's the really full feeling I get, even if I don't eat a lot. Maybe I'll associate feeling full with guilt which will in turn make me not want to be overly full, which will help me eat less. Maybe? I can only hope.

Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.

Come Monday it'll be alright.

It was a relaxing weekend. Dietrich had Friday off, so it felt like a 3 day weekend for me, too. Even though I'm a stay-at-home-mom and I'm home all the time. It just feels like a tiny vacation when he's home for 3 days in a row to help me with the little ones.

I woke up yesterday to find out that tropical storm Ernesto is supposed to hit Florida now. Which wasn't predicted previously. So, our first storm of the season. And, Dietrich is scheduled to go to Puerto Rico for a night on Wednesday. The storm is supposed to hit either Wednesday or Thursday in our area. I don't think he'll be going this week. That's a relief.

Oh, Saturday was Zoe's belt promotion at Taekwondo. She's now a blue belt. I think. Or maybe it's purple. Anyway, she's only 5 belts away from black now. I was so proud watching her, so that was the highlight of the weekend. Sunday was full of doing nothing but relaxing after the yard work in the morning. Dietrich worked on a website, I took a nap with Holden, and Zoe played with the neighbor kids. Good times.

I've now really cut down on the snacking and I'm proud of myself. I'm not a big snacker anyway, cept at night. But, I've cooked good, healthy meals for the family over the past 3 days and it feels pretty darn good. Good to know that the kids are eating healthy and good to know that I may just finally start losing a bit of weight. I still haven't tackled the exercise issue though. There was lots of walking around on Saturday, but nothing strenuous that could be called exercise. My goal is to start at the very least by going for a walk twice this week, and doing situps at night while I'm wishing I could snack. Maybe that'll take my mind off of wanting cheddar goldfish. We shall see.

she's .... grown up

Zoe's having her first "sleep over" as we speak. I know, she's 6 (will be 7 in 2 weeks) and it's about time. But, holy moly. It's 10:37pm and I'm wondering what my "baby" is doing. Is she sleeping? Is she playing dolls (bratz)? Is she wishing she were home? Of course, I'm sure she's fine, but, it's just me. Kinda, sorta wishing she were wishing she were home. I know, there's many more of these in the future, and then...and then...the REAL sleepovers when she just lies to me and tells me she's sleeping at a friends house and then goes to some stupid frat party and is out all night. Ugggg. I know, I'm way ahead of myself, but, JESUS, it goes SO INCREDIBLY fast.

Lord help me!

it's been a long time.

holy poop, it's been a long time since i've been able to post here. lots has happened in the past month and a half:

1.) zoe has been promoted to a yellow belt now; and will have another promotion this week where she'll get her camo belt.

2.) holden has 3, yes, THREE new teeth. for a total of 8 all together.

3.) the in-laws came to stay for a week, and a lot of wine was consumed.

4.) zoe's out of school for the summer.

5.) our dryer died, we have a new one being delivered in 2 days. next month, i'll still be catching up on laundry.

6.) i found a new hair dresser. i like her. my "ex-hairdresser" has done way too many drugs in her life, and it's all catching up with her. she can't do my hair without shaking like a leaf. makes me a bit nervous.

7.) i got a new car/truck for mother's day (buick rendevous).

8.) i've memorized every word to every song of the doodlebops on the disney channel since that's all holden will watch.

9.) my mom and dad are speaking again after being divorced for 5 years (after 35 years of marriage), it happens about once every 6 months - they get on this kick. it would be okay, if he weren't married. i think it's okay anyway, cause i hate her.

10.) holden's in a screaming phase. SCREAMING, i tell you. loud. all the time. if he doesn't get what he wants ... screams. if he wakes up ... screams. i can't wait till this phase is over. (*crossing fingers that it will be over eventually*).

11.) hurricane season is officially underway and we have our first named storm of the year, tropical storm alberto. (coming on shore, as we speak)

12.) the world cup is on.

13.) i've decided take myself off of zoloft and the withdrawals are KILLING me. i'm considering going back on, yes, they're THAT bad.

so, that's about all i can think of to update everyone on everything that's been going on. hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i have time to sit down and post again!