Well, we're on day 6 (or is it 7?) of the diflucan. It hasn't been TOO bad. Holden is definitely displaying some behaviors we haven't seen before. Strange things. He's taken to "scooting" himself across the tile floor. Not all the time, but enough that I've noticed. He's also had a lot of stimming lately with paper towels. The kid cannot see a paper towel without crying for it. He rips it up in little pieces and rips up the little pieces into even smaller pieces. We took away a paper towel yesterday and he freaked. He doesnt normally "tantrum", aside from the typical 2 yr. stuff. But, taking the paper towel away yesterday ... hooo boy did that cause a bigtime tantrum. He started hitting his chest like king kong, and walked over to me and started hitting me on the thigh. Hard. And he's so NOT an aggressive kid. So it was a shock for me. But, then I remembered that Dr. Berger told us that he may do that, he may become overly aggressive, and display behaviors we've never seen before. So, that's my saving grace. It's not normal for him, so hopefully it's only being caused from the die-off effect of the yeast releasing toxins into his blood stream.
He's also doing some not-so-bad things. He's more verbal. No words really, but attempting to communicate. He's definitely saying "dada", "bibi", "mama" now. I thought he was saying these things before, but now, it's a definite. And MOST of the time, he's using them in the correct context. He's also doing well with the signing. If he wants something, he almost immediately signs "please". Or, "drink". He also seems to be more here, playing with his toys and wanting to interact with us. Following his sister around enough that she had to throw him out of her room yesterday. He's also responding a lot more to me when I say "come here", or "stop". That's a good thing.
He found Zoe's perfection game. The one where you put in all the little tiny pieces (shapes) in a certain amount of time. So, he's now learning all of those abnormal shapes and where to put them. He's been working on that a lot this morning. The kid loves shapes.
Totally unrelated - it's hot as hell here. We just went to the park and I couldn't stand more than 30-40 minutes of the heat and humidity. So, so hot. And, I'll be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So much to do in so little time. It's creeping up on me, this August 10th c-section date. I have to call the new pediatrician we're going to be using and pray that she's accepting new patients. I have to draw up the document saying we don't want the new baby receiving the Hep B vaccine at birth. I have to take Zoe school clothes shopping before I'm down and out for a few weeks (her school starts August 21st). And, on top of that, our weekly therapy schedule is now as follows:
Monday - 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)
Tuesday - 10:30-11am - Speech therapy (home)
Wednesday - 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)
Thursday - 10:00-10:30am - OT (clinic)
Friday - 11:30 - 12noon - Speech therapy (home) AND 2-3pm - ABA therapy (home)
Oh, and on top of that, I start twice weekly NST's for this pregnancy this week. Starting on Thrusday @ 7am. Fun.
But, we're hanging in there!
6.25.2007
6.20.2007
DAN! Doctor Appt - 6/18/07
On Monday, we took Holden back to Tampa to see Dr. Berger. It was his second appointment. He explained Holden's urine and stool sample results. The way he explained things to us is that there are kids he sees on the spectrum who's test results are a "slam dunk". Meaning that the results are "clear" and he knows exactly how to treat them. Then, there are kids who's results are absolutely normal. Holden falls within the 20-30% of kids he sees where the results aren't necessarily BAD; but there are enough abnormalities that require tweaking in order to get his system ready for any kind of heavy metal detox.
Updated treatment plan:
-continue epsom salt baths (night sweats are completely gone now; and this will help continue to replinish his sulfate levels that will help with natural detox).
-continue fish oil daily
-begin 30 day course of diflucan for overgrowth of yeast.
-4-5 days after beginning diflucan, we will start Factor-4 daily to help replace bifidobacter (a "good" bacteria that he's lacking according to his stool sample).
-4-5 days after starting Factor-4, start buffered vitamin C (lacking according to urine results).
Holden also had blood work drawn. They drew 6-7 vials. It was hell, yes it was. They will test for basically everything known to man. Routine stuff - CBC, kidney function, etc. They will also be testing for testosterone levels. Seems that recent studies show that kids on the spectrum have higher levels of testosterone (explains why more boys than girls are on the spectrum in the first place). They will test for zinc levels, copper levels, amonia levels. They will also test for Holden's natural ability to detox his own system.
With these results, we'll have a better idea of what we also need to correct before beginning any type of chelation treatment.
Dr. Berger explained something called the "die-off effect" while on the diflucan. He said that he sees maybe 2-3 kids a year who go through this. It's an extreme reaction to the yeast dying off while on the medication. The yeast will release toxins into the blood stream and cause an adverse reaction. He said that a few things could happen and we may notice them in the next wek or so after starting the diflucan. 1.) we may see him doing things he hasn't done before - new "symptoms" of autism. He may not sleep well. He may be cranky and upset. 2.) we may see him slip into his own shell. Not verbalize at all, and sleep pretty much constantly. or 3.) he may have the adverse reaction mentioned above as the "die-off" effect. He said that if he does have this, he will become VERY aggressive and out of control. If this happens, we're to call his office and they will give us the dosing of liquid charcoal that will help bind the toxins together and will reverse the symptoms within 24 hours.
I'm hoping and praying #3 doesn't happen.
Updated treatment plan:
-continue epsom salt baths (night sweats are completely gone now; and this will help continue to replinish his sulfate levels that will help with natural detox).
-continue fish oil daily
-begin 30 day course of diflucan for overgrowth of yeast.
-4-5 days after beginning diflucan, we will start Factor-4 daily to help replace bifidobacter (a "good" bacteria that he's lacking according to his stool sample).
-4-5 days after starting Factor-4, start buffered vitamin C (lacking according to urine results).
Holden also had blood work drawn. They drew 6-7 vials. It was hell, yes it was. They will test for basically everything known to man. Routine stuff - CBC, kidney function, etc. They will also be testing for testosterone levels. Seems that recent studies show that kids on the spectrum have higher levels of testosterone (explains why more boys than girls are on the spectrum in the first place). They will test for zinc levels, copper levels, amonia levels. They will also test for Holden's natural ability to detox his own system.
With these results, we'll have a better idea of what we also need to correct before beginning any type of chelation treatment.
Dr. Berger explained something called the "die-off effect" while on the diflucan. He said that he sees maybe 2-3 kids a year who go through this. It's an extreme reaction to the yeast dying off while on the medication. The yeast will release toxins into the blood stream and cause an adverse reaction. He said that a few things could happen and we may notice them in the next wek or so after starting the diflucan. 1.) we may see him doing things he hasn't done before - new "symptoms" of autism. He may not sleep well. He may be cranky and upset. 2.) we may see him slip into his own shell. Not verbalize at all, and sleep pretty much constantly. or 3.) he may have the adverse reaction mentioned above as the "die-off" effect. He said that if he does have this, he will become VERY aggressive and out of control. If this happens, we're to call his office and they will give us the dosing of liquid charcoal that will help bind the toxins together and will reverse the symptoms within 24 hours.
I'm hoping and praying #3 doesn't happen.
6.14.2007
more withdrawls? ... and moving
We've made it to day 5 of the FULL gf/cf diet - both dairy and gluten-free. Yesterday, Holden woke up with really red cheeks for some reason. No fever. Just red cheeks and looking exhausted. The best word I can think of to describe him was ... "weepy" looking. When he woke up today, the cheeks were back to normal, but by 2:30 this afternoon - they're red again. Not as red as yesterday, but red. I don't know if this is a symptom of the withdrawls from the dairy and wheat? Who knows. I'm watching to see what happens. And we have an appointment with his doctor on Monday @ 9am.
We're moving tomorrow. I'm so not excited about this. I hate moving, with a passion. I just want to own a home. Really. That's what I really want. But, that's not going to happen, at least not for a few years. We're signing a 12 month lease. And once that's up, we'll probably move. Yet again. And this time, we're thinking about Dallas. Dietrich's twin brother and his wife are there. We went last Thanksgiving and I actually like the area. So, maybe. Either way, I hope we only have 1 or 2 more moves for the rest of our lives. Cause I hate this shit.
Good thing is, Zoe's friend asked her to come stay at the beach with her for a few days. Her friend's family rented a condo in Port Orange / Ponce Inlet. I took her this morning and dropped her off. And yes, I already miss her. She won't be here for the move, so I tried explaining to her that when she comes back, she'll come back to a different house and neighborhood. It will be interesting to see how she responds.
Anyway, back to packing. Ugggg.
We're moving tomorrow. I'm so not excited about this. I hate moving, with a passion. I just want to own a home. Really. That's what I really want. But, that's not going to happen, at least not for a few years. We're signing a 12 month lease. And once that's up, we'll probably move. Yet again. And this time, we're thinking about Dallas. Dietrich's twin brother and his wife are there. We went last Thanksgiving and I actually like the area. So, maybe. Either way, I hope we only have 1 or 2 more moves for the rest of our lives. Cause I hate this shit.
Good thing is, Zoe's friend asked her to come stay at the beach with her for a few days. Her friend's family rented a condo in Port Orange / Ponce Inlet. I took her this morning and dropped her off. And yes, I already miss her. She won't be here for the move, so I tried explaining to her that when she comes back, she'll come back to a different house and neighborhood. It will be interesting to see how she responds.
Anyway, back to packing. Ugggg.
6.12.2007
GF/CF Diet
The doctor recommended we try the GF/CF diet for 3 months. I was hesitant because Holden doesn't have a lot of the "digestive problems" that I hear other kids on the spectrum have. But, after talking to some of the other moms who have children either on the spectrum, or that have fully recovered, I realized that it's not a matter of allergies or just sensitivities. Because of the higher level of toxins in our kids, they're unable to breakdown or digest dairy and wheat products. These leak through their intestines and cause peptides, which turn into opiates and affect their brains. Thus, the reason they're not able to learn as quickly as other kids. And, it can cause the "high" feeling for them.
So, we're trying it. Last Tuesday, I took Holden off of dairy. Cold turkey. Tuesday night, he went to bed at 11pm, and got up at 5am (and many times in between). He took a FOUR hour nap on Wednesday and then went down Wednesday night at 8pm. He was up every hour that night. Whining. I would try and give him his sippy cup (which normally would quiet him back to sleep) with juice and water mixed - didn't want anything to do with this. He would take a sip, throw it across the room, and then cry. We were up at 5am Thursday morning for good. Both nights (Wed & Thurs), he had massive night sweats. The bed was soaked. Thursday, his eye contact was horrible. He wasn't responding to me as much as he normally does. He was in his own little world. I called Dr. Berger's nurse, who called me back on Friday and assured me that this is all par for the course. He was going through withdrawls, and that is actually a GOOD sign because it means that the dairy was affecting him, and affecting him in a negative way. It's like a druggie detoxing off of drugs.
His eye contact improved by Friday and his sleep did, too. He was pretty much back to "normal" and became more vocal. Still no "real" words, but it's still as if he was trying to communicate with us more. Coincidence? Dunno.
I planned on taking him off of the gluten next week - after we move. But, we went to Chamberlains and Whole Foods on Saturday and I decided to go ahead with the gluten-free portion of the diet. They actually have some good stuff! So, today is Tuesday and we're on day 3 of no gluten. Not sleeping well, and the eye contact is back to minimal. The night sweats aren't as bad as with the dairy, but the responding to his name is awful. Yesterday, his ABA therapist mentioned how much different he seemed - in his own little world again. Kind of "out of it".
It's hard. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself a million times a day that this is just part of it. That his body is trying to regulate itself. Get used to being without it's drugs. His brain is adjusting. Now I understand why parents give up on the diet so quickly - it's hard to watch your child going through this. It's almost as if they seem "worse" and their symptoms definitely seem worse, but I'm told to stick it out because once you get through this part of it - you'll see the improvements.
I'm hoping and praying it happens soon.
So, we're trying it. Last Tuesday, I took Holden off of dairy. Cold turkey. Tuesday night, he went to bed at 11pm, and got up at 5am (and many times in between). He took a FOUR hour nap on Wednesday and then went down Wednesday night at 8pm. He was up every hour that night. Whining. I would try and give him his sippy cup (which normally would quiet him back to sleep) with juice and water mixed - didn't want anything to do with this. He would take a sip, throw it across the room, and then cry. We were up at 5am Thursday morning for good. Both nights (Wed & Thurs), he had massive night sweats. The bed was soaked. Thursday, his eye contact was horrible. He wasn't responding to me as much as he normally does. He was in his own little world. I called Dr. Berger's nurse, who called me back on Friday and assured me that this is all par for the course. He was going through withdrawls, and that is actually a GOOD sign because it means that the dairy was affecting him, and affecting him in a negative way. It's like a druggie detoxing off of drugs.
His eye contact improved by Friday and his sleep did, too. He was pretty much back to "normal" and became more vocal. Still no "real" words, but it's still as if he was trying to communicate with us more. Coincidence? Dunno.
I planned on taking him off of the gluten next week - after we move. But, we went to Chamberlains and Whole Foods on Saturday and I decided to go ahead with the gluten-free portion of the diet. They actually have some good stuff! So, today is Tuesday and we're on day 3 of no gluten. Not sleeping well, and the eye contact is back to minimal. The night sweats aren't as bad as with the dairy, but the responding to his name is awful. Yesterday, his ABA therapist mentioned how much different he seemed - in his own little world again. Kind of "out of it".
It's hard. I'm trying to stay positive and I keep telling myself a million times a day that this is just part of it. That his body is trying to regulate itself. Get used to being without it's drugs. His brain is adjusting. Now I understand why parents give up on the diet so quickly - it's hard to watch your child going through this. It's almost as if they seem "worse" and their symptoms definitely seem worse, but I'm told to stick it out because once you get through this part of it - you'll see the improvements.
I'm hoping and praying it happens soon.
5.30.2007
Biomedical Protocol
We had our appt with Dr. David Berger in Tampa a few weeks ago. Here's a timeline of what we've done so far:
May 18th - 1st appt with Dr. David
May 19th - started epsom salt baths (1/2 cup per bath) & cod liver fish oil (1 tsp.)
May 21st - stopped cod liver fish oil (supposed to wait until he's been in the epsom salt baths for 1 week before starting, so I stopped to get things back on track).
May 25th - started cod liver fish oil again (1.5 tsp., increasing to 2 tsp.)
May 27th - started NuThera hypoallerginic vitamins (without A & D). 2 capsules per day, mixed with milk or juice.
May 30th - gathered stool and urine samples for labs. Sent in Fedex.
Dr. Berger thinks Holden has a sulfate deficiency, based on a few of his symptoms that suggest it. His symptoms include: night sweats, bumps (or rash) on the back of his upper arm, and the tips of his ears are more red than his cheeks. He explained that our bodies need sulfate to be able to detox itself from toxins that are in our bodies. The epsom salt baths are supposed to help replinish the sulfate. Based on what I told him, he thinks I may have a "sluggish" detox system too. Which means that it wasn't a good thing to consume a lot of sushi and tuna melts while pregnant with him.
The cod liver fish oil is from Nordic Naturals. It's strawberry flavored. I can't stand the smell of it, but Holden doesn't seem to mind the taste, too much anyway. Dr. David says after 2 weeks or so on the fish oil, we should see an increase in attention, focus, and eye contact. I hope so.
The stool and urine samples I'm sending off today are to test for a huge array of things. Overgrowth of yeast, which he suspects he has from the prolonged use of antibiotics. Holden was on antibiotics for the first 14 months of his life due to hydronepherosis and bi-lateral kidney reflux. I think this urine test will also test for toxins and metals in his system.
Dr. Berger also suggested a few things for me since I'm entering the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy. 1.) he suggested I take 1 capsule of omega 3's fish oil everyday (which I purchased from him). 2.) epsom salt baths. 3.) Vitamin B12 w/folinic acid nasal spray. I haven't gotten this yet, it had to go through a compound pharmacy.
Our followup appointment is June 18th. At that appointment, they'll do bloodwork, which will not be fun. Dietrich will definitely be going to that appointment with me!
So, we're hoping for the best. I've talked to a lot of moms and if nothing else, my son will be more healthy than he ever has. I truly believe that his autism and symptoms were triggered by the vaccines he received, the antibiotic use, and other environmental factors. I hope we can get his body and brain back to where it should be, so that we can begin his recovery.
*crossing everything I have*
May 18th - 1st appt with Dr. David
May 19th - started epsom salt baths (1/2 cup per bath) & cod liver fish oil (1 tsp.)
May 21st - stopped cod liver fish oil (supposed to wait until he's been in the epsom salt baths for 1 week before starting, so I stopped to get things back on track).
May 25th - started cod liver fish oil again (1.5 tsp., increasing to 2 tsp.)
May 27th - started NuThera hypoallerginic vitamins (without A & D). 2 capsules per day, mixed with milk or juice.
May 30th - gathered stool and urine samples for labs. Sent in Fedex.
Dr. Berger thinks Holden has a sulfate deficiency, based on a few of his symptoms that suggest it. His symptoms include: night sweats, bumps (or rash) on the back of his upper arm, and the tips of his ears are more red than his cheeks. He explained that our bodies need sulfate to be able to detox itself from toxins that are in our bodies. The epsom salt baths are supposed to help replinish the sulfate. Based on what I told him, he thinks I may have a "sluggish" detox system too. Which means that it wasn't a good thing to consume a lot of sushi and tuna melts while pregnant with him.
The cod liver fish oil is from Nordic Naturals. It's strawberry flavored. I can't stand the smell of it, but Holden doesn't seem to mind the taste, too much anyway. Dr. David says after 2 weeks or so on the fish oil, we should see an increase in attention, focus, and eye contact. I hope so.
The stool and urine samples I'm sending off today are to test for a huge array of things. Overgrowth of yeast, which he suspects he has from the prolonged use of antibiotics. Holden was on antibiotics for the first 14 months of his life due to hydronepherosis and bi-lateral kidney reflux. I think this urine test will also test for toxins and metals in his system.
Dr. Berger also suggested a few things for me since I'm entering the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy. 1.) he suggested I take 1 capsule of omega 3's fish oil everyday (which I purchased from him). 2.) epsom salt baths. 3.) Vitamin B12 w/folinic acid nasal spray. I haven't gotten this yet, it had to go through a compound pharmacy.
Our followup appointment is June 18th. At that appointment, they'll do bloodwork, which will not be fun. Dietrich will definitely be going to that appointment with me!
So, we're hoping for the best. I've talked to a lot of moms and if nothing else, my son will be more healthy than he ever has. I truly believe that his autism and symptoms were triggered by the vaccines he received, the antibiotic use, and other environmental factors. I hope we can get his body and brain back to where it should be, so that we can begin his recovery.
*crossing everything I have*
5.17.2007
"sissy"
I went in to wake up Holden this morning. Zoe came in and got on the bed. She went up to him to give him a kiss and he said "sissy". Her eyes got SO big and she said "mama, he said SISSY". I said "yes, he did sweetie". He smiled. When it was time to take her to school, I told him we were taking sissy to school. We walked into the garage and he said "sissy" again. It just made her day. And mine, too.
5.16.2007
moving on
I finally got a few calls from the providers who will be doing Holden's in-home therapy from Early Intervention. Finally. The behavior therapy will start the 1st week of June. I don't have exact dates and times yet, she's calling me next week to give me those. Let's just hope she actually calls. If not, I'll call again. I think they know that about me by now. The Speech therapist called me today. She's going to try and schedule something for as soon as next week, so that would be nice. Should know for sure in a few days, as she "said" she'd call me back. I'm hopeful, she sounds 'nice'.
Holden has an appointment with Dr. Berget in Tampa. He's a pediatrician (M.D.), but he's also a DAN! doctor. I don't know what to expect with the first appointment, but I'm anxious to get the biomedical approach started. I've talked to a lot of moms lately, and the majority have seen improvements in their children. I firmly believe this will be Holden's case, too.
I've started going to a playgroup once a week through EI. It's held at a local church, and even though the 1st time (last week), Holden really just played with the toys, it was nice. He was at least around other people. And, the other kids there were either too young to play with, or weren't interested either. So, they're having another one tomorrow and I'm hopeful that he'll "play". I also met another mom with a 2.5 year old diagnosed with PDD. She's asked us to come over next week for a playdate. Curious to see how the kids react without so many people and toys around.
I took him to the mall playground today. It was great, actually. He did awesome. He was running around, just like the other kids his age - bumping into other kids. Laughing, running, playing. He seemed to really have fun. He was smiling. He even went up to a few kids, but, honestly, I think it was just because he wanted to steal their binkies. Oh well, I'm going to count it as being somewhat social! He didn't avoid them, afterall.
Zoe's almost out of school. She gets out at 1pm on Friday, Monday and next Tuesday. Then she's done for THREE whole months. School starts late next year. August 21st. I can't believe she'll be in the 3rd grade. Wow, how time flies. She's such a good kid though. We are so lucky. She's beautiful, smart, nice, polite, and respectful. I can't tell you the number of times that adults (kid's parents, or just people we pass in the supermarket) have told me how "polite" she is. It's so good to hear coming from her peer's parents. I've mentioned to Dietrich that I actually would prefer her be more polite and respectful to other people and their homes, than to us! I tell her every day how much I love her because I just don't want a day to go by without her knowing how much she's loved.
Lucky, is what we are.
Lucky, is what we are.
And, here's a picture of the little guy in-utero. Today, I'm 26w1d.
5.08.2007
Early Intervention & MORE progress
Everyone tells you "you're doing the right thing by getting your son help while he's young" and "early intervention really works!".
Well, if I could get a therapist to call me back, then I might agree with them. It's been almost 3 weeks since Holden's evaluation and services were approved. 3 different therapies: at-home speech (2x per week), at-home behavior (3 hours per week), and behavior/daycare environment (3 hours per day). Funny thing is, the 3 hours per week of home behavior therapy goes away once he gets into the preschool/daycare environment. But that's beside the point. Anyway. I've called both consulting companies for the speech and at-home behavior therapy. I'm now being told that he's been "assigned" to a therapist, so the therapist will call me back to schedule an initial appointment and his weekly therapies. No call. No one has called. I've called every 2 days, asking for updates. Yesterday, I was told that the speech therapist that he's been assigned to just happens to be out of town this week and "will be back sometime next week". Meaning that she'll have to play catch up and probably won't be able to call me until the week after, and then not schedule an initial appointment with us until the following week. So, yeah. Probably at least another 3 weeks until we can get in for speech. The at-home behavior people tell me he's been assigned ... just have to wait for the therapist to call. I called for an update yesterday and left a message. No call back yet. The daycare/preschool ABA thing - they don't have an opening right now and it may be as late as June/July before then do. Which really means August/September in english. I am frustrated people. Everyone tells me what a great job I'm doing getting him into Early Intervention so "early". Well, if I'd waited another 2 months, he would be turning THREE before they made any appointments, and he wouldn't qualify any longer. Every DAY that goes by, I get a little more pissed that no one's taking me seriously.
Progress. This is what keeps me going and helps me have a positive outlook . Holden's saying "mama" now. I mean, he said it before - but stopped when he lost all language. BUT, he said it again. And he keeps saying it, although I'm not sure he is using it in the corrrect text. He did look at me once and said "mama", so I know he used it correctly at least 1 time. He's also starting to imitate me. I stick out my tongue, he sticks out his (I think just to lick me really, but still, I'll take it!). About 20 minutes ago, I took his binky and held it out of reach and tried to make him say it - or at least make the "ba-ba-ba-ba" sound for it. He looked at me when I said "ba-ba-ba-ba" and he repeated the sound. He's NEVER done that. I take that to mean that he's more aware and if I can get him to imitate sounds - maybe speech and language will follow. That's my goal anyway.
We went to visit my mom over the weekend. Zoe and Dietrich were out of state, so it was just me and Holden. We went to my aunt's house. Holden was playing on the floor and she said "he just looks like a normal little boy to me". It felt good. Because, I've always said that if you didn't know the signs, you would look at him and just think he's like any other 2 year old. He was very "social" with them, too. And he's not around them much, so it's not because he's used to them. He took my aunt's hand and brought her into their kitchen to ask for a drink. I was shocked that he took someone else's hand but mine.
After we got home from our little trip away, we stopped at the grocery store. We were standing at the deli counter and a dad came by with his little boy in a shopping cart. Holden looked at the little boy, stared at him practically, and watched him go by. He normally doesn't notice other people, and especially kids. When he did that, my heart smiled.
Today, while watching the Wiggles on TV, they were running in place, singing a song - and I looked and Holden was watching and running around like they were. He was imitating them. He's never done that before.
So, although I'm dealing with a crap system that takes 2 months to get services for my son who needs them - I still see the progress he's making and it makes me happy. I'm playing the role of "mama" and therapist right now, and of course I don't mind. I'll do anything to help him. But, sometimes I'm scared I'm not doing things right. I just need some guidance, and it seems almost impossible to get.
Well, if I could get a therapist to call me back, then I might agree with them. It's been almost 3 weeks since Holden's evaluation and services were approved. 3 different therapies: at-home speech (2x per week), at-home behavior (3 hours per week), and behavior/daycare environment (3 hours per day). Funny thing is, the 3 hours per week of home behavior therapy goes away once he gets into the preschool/daycare environment. But that's beside the point. Anyway. I've called both consulting companies for the speech and at-home behavior therapy. I'm now being told that he's been "assigned" to a therapist, so the therapist will call me back to schedule an initial appointment and his weekly therapies. No call. No one has called. I've called every 2 days, asking for updates. Yesterday, I was told that the speech therapist that he's been assigned to just happens to be out of town this week and "will be back sometime next week". Meaning that she'll have to play catch up and probably won't be able to call me until the week after, and then not schedule an initial appointment with us until the following week. So, yeah. Probably at least another 3 weeks until we can get in for speech. The at-home behavior people tell me he's been assigned ... just have to wait for the therapist to call. I called for an update yesterday and left a message. No call back yet. The daycare/preschool ABA thing - they don't have an opening right now and it may be as late as June/July before then do. Which really means August/September in english. I am frustrated people. Everyone tells me what a great job I'm doing getting him into Early Intervention so "early". Well, if I'd waited another 2 months, he would be turning THREE before they made any appointments, and he wouldn't qualify any longer. Every DAY that goes by, I get a little more pissed that no one's taking me seriously.
Progress. This is what keeps me going and helps me have a positive outlook . Holden's saying "mama" now. I mean, he said it before - but stopped when he lost all language. BUT, he said it again. And he keeps saying it, although I'm not sure he is using it in the corrrect text. He did look at me once and said "mama", so I know he used it correctly at least 1 time. He's also starting to imitate me. I stick out my tongue, he sticks out his (I think just to lick me really, but still, I'll take it!). About 20 minutes ago, I took his binky and held it out of reach and tried to make him say it - or at least make the "ba-ba-ba-ba" sound for it. He looked at me when I said "ba-ba-ba-ba" and he repeated the sound. He's NEVER done that. I take that to mean that he's more aware and if I can get him to imitate sounds - maybe speech and language will follow. That's my goal anyway.
We went to visit my mom over the weekend. Zoe and Dietrich were out of state, so it was just me and Holden. We went to my aunt's house. Holden was playing on the floor and she said "he just looks like a normal little boy to me". It felt good. Because, I've always said that if you didn't know the signs, you would look at him and just think he's like any other 2 year old. He was very "social" with them, too. And he's not around them much, so it's not because he's used to them. He took my aunt's hand and brought her into their kitchen to ask for a drink. I was shocked that he took someone else's hand but mine.
After we got home from our little trip away, we stopped at the grocery store. We were standing at the deli counter and a dad came by with his little boy in a shopping cart. Holden looked at the little boy, stared at him practically, and watched him go by. He normally doesn't notice other people, and especially kids. When he did that, my heart smiled.
Today, while watching the Wiggles on TV, they were running in place, singing a song - and I looked and Holden was watching and running around like they were. He was imitating them. He's never done that before.
So, although I'm dealing with a crap system that takes 2 months to get services for my son who needs them - I still see the progress he's making and it makes me happy. I'm playing the role of "mama" and therapist right now, and of course I don't mind. I'll do anything to help him. But, sometimes I'm scared I'm not doing things right. I just need some guidance, and it seems almost impossible to get.
4.16.2007
to vaccinate or not to vaccinate
Vaccinations are a touchy subject, especially within the autism community. I'm figuring that out. Since Holden's symptoms came to "light", I've done a lot of researching online. I've talked to a lot of moms who have gone through, or are going through, the same thing I am. I think it's one of those situations where you have to talk to someone who knows what it feels like.
Anyway, I had a lot of reactions when realizing Holden had problems. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't raise a child with special needs and do all things appropriately for his development. I was anxious for his future. Would he ever go to school and have friends? Would he be able to live on his own? Would he get married and have a family? I even went through a grieving process. I felt like I'd lost my child, even though he was right there in front of me 24 hours a day. He was here, but not really "here". And he had been. He had normal development until around 15 months of age.
Research I've done online suggests that the majority of these kids do just as Holden did. They develop normally for the first 15, 18, 22, 24 months of life. They're happy. They reach their developmental milestones. They call you "mama" and "dada". They dance. They sing. They love. Then, gradually, it's all taken away in a matter of 6 months. So, my question was this: WHY do they develop normally and then gradually fall victim to autism? Research shows there's a high probability there's a genetic component. I can accept that. But, another question: If it's ONLY a genetic component, why isn't it evident earlier? Why do they develop normally and then lose function? I'm not an expert, and I know I haven't seen all of the research and evidence out there, but it just seems logical that there's some kind of environmental trigger. Right? Something must set this thing off in our kids. A lot of people are born with genes - such as the breast cancer gene. Do all of those people develop brease cancer? No. Why? Why not?
There are a large number of parents who feel that vaccinations may be one of those environmental triggers that set our kids down the lonely path of autism. Or, not vaccinations, but rather the preservatives found in vaccinations. And, also, the amount given to our children and how much it's increased in the past 20 - 30 years. It's a strong argument, and one that I can't ignore. I wonder about it all the time. I wonder because with Zoe, everything went as planned. Vaccinations were given at well baby checkups. She may have been cranky, but that was the extent of her "reactions" to these shots. I remember so vividly Holden's MMR vaccine at 15 months. I even distinctly remember him being given the shot in the docs office. He had a terrible reaction and for 3-4 days after receiving the shot, he ran a fever of 103, 104 (even with motrin and tylenol to reduce the fever), he didn't eat, he didn't even cry much. He laid there in his pack n' play and I remember checking on him constantly. He just looked so miserable. I assumed it was "normal" and that some kids just have worse reactions than others.
That may have been the case. But, doing the research and reading about it on sites such as http://www.generationrescue.org I can't help but wonder if the vaccinations may have been a trigger that caused his decline in development at that stage of life. So, out of curiosity, I checked his shot records this weekend. I did it because a lot of parents in forums online said that thermisol was phased out of vaccinations in 2003. Holden was born in 2005, so that means he was "safe" from the mercury and other heavy metals that had previously been in vaccinations, right? His shot records have the date of the vials recorded on the chart. The oldest vaccination he was given was dated 1998. The MOST RECENT vial was from 2001. He received TWO flu vaccinations (the same shot) because the refrigerator at his pediatricians office stopped working on the day he received his first dose - so in order to make sure it was "effective", they re-did that shot. From what I've heard from other mothers, flu vaccines have one of the highest levels of mercury. He just turned 2 on April 10th and he's had no less than 15-20 shots to date. I can't help but wonder what that's done to his immune system, seeing as it's not even developed yet.
It's a debate that I personally think will wage on forever. Even if evidence is found that these vaccinations ARE in fact an environmental trigger for these kids who are already pre-disposed to the autism gene, it will never be allowed to go on record. Pharmaceutical companies are way too powerful to let that happen. Instead, we will always wonder and until the "old" vaccinations are truly phased out of our children's lives - we'll never know if the numbers will decrease without the preservatives that are in the vaccinations.
I've chosen to take Holden to a DAN! doctor within the next month. I want to test his levels of heavy metals and toxins in his system to see where they stand. If his levels are high, I'll go through the DAN protocol and hope and pray that it helps his symptoms and that we see an improvement once his body rids the metals and toxins. Our new baby will NOT be vaccinated - not until we know more, or until he's 4 yrs old - which ever comes first. It's a personal decision on our part, and I think it sucks that I feel as though we're sometimes judged for choosing this as an option for our child. But, that's just it - it IS our decision and we'll do what's best for our family. No one else will. Because, in reality, who else cares enough to do what's best for our family and our children? They don't have to live with the consequences.
Anyway, I had a lot of reactions when realizing Holden had problems. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't raise a child with special needs and do all things appropriately for his development. I was anxious for his future. Would he ever go to school and have friends? Would he be able to live on his own? Would he get married and have a family? I even went through a grieving process. I felt like I'd lost my child, even though he was right there in front of me 24 hours a day. He was here, but not really "here". And he had been. He had normal development until around 15 months of age.
Research I've done online suggests that the majority of these kids do just as Holden did. They develop normally for the first 15, 18, 22, 24 months of life. They're happy. They reach their developmental milestones. They call you "mama" and "dada". They dance. They sing. They love. Then, gradually, it's all taken away in a matter of 6 months. So, my question was this: WHY do they develop normally and then gradually fall victim to autism? Research shows there's a high probability there's a genetic component. I can accept that. But, another question: If it's ONLY a genetic component, why isn't it evident earlier? Why do they develop normally and then lose function? I'm not an expert, and I know I haven't seen all of the research and evidence out there, but it just seems logical that there's some kind of environmental trigger. Right? Something must set this thing off in our kids. A lot of people are born with genes - such as the breast cancer gene. Do all of those people develop brease cancer? No. Why? Why not?
There are a large number of parents who feel that vaccinations may be one of those environmental triggers that set our kids down the lonely path of autism. Or, not vaccinations, but rather the preservatives found in vaccinations. And, also, the amount given to our children and how much it's increased in the past 20 - 30 years. It's a strong argument, and one that I can't ignore. I wonder about it all the time. I wonder because with Zoe, everything went as planned. Vaccinations were given at well baby checkups. She may have been cranky, but that was the extent of her "reactions" to these shots. I remember so vividly Holden's MMR vaccine at 15 months. I even distinctly remember him being given the shot in the docs office. He had a terrible reaction and for 3-4 days after receiving the shot, he ran a fever of 103, 104 (even with motrin and tylenol to reduce the fever), he didn't eat, he didn't even cry much. He laid there in his pack n' play and I remember checking on him constantly. He just looked so miserable. I assumed it was "normal" and that some kids just have worse reactions than others.
That may have been the case. But, doing the research and reading about it on sites such as http://www.generationrescue.org I can't help but wonder if the vaccinations may have been a trigger that caused his decline in development at that stage of life. So, out of curiosity, I checked his shot records this weekend. I did it because a lot of parents in forums online said that thermisol was phased out of vaccinations in 2003. Holden was born in 2005, so that means he was "safe" from the mercury and other heavy metals that had previously been in vaccinations, right? His shot records have the date of the vials recorded on the chart. The oldest vaccination he was given was dated 1998. The MOST RECENT vial was from 2001. He received TWO flu vaccinations (the same shot) because the refrigerator at his pediatricians office stopped working on the day he received his first dose - so in order to make sure it was "effective", they re-did that shot. From what I've heard from other mothers, flu vaccines have one of the highest levels of mercury. He just turned 2 on April 10th and he's had no less than 15-20 shots to date. I can't help but wonder what that's done to his immune system, seeing as it's not even developed yet.
It's a debate that I personally think will wage on forever. Even if evidence is found that these vaccinations ARE in fact an environmental trigger for these kids who are already pre-disposed to the autism gene, it will never be allowed to go on record. Pharmaceutical companies are way too powerful to let that happen. Instead, we will always wonder and until the "old" vaccinations are truly phased out of our children's lives - we'll never know if the numbers will decrease without the preservatives that are in the vaccinations.
I've chosen to take Holden to a DAN! doctor within the next month. I want to test his levels of heavy metals and toxins in his system to see where they stand. If his levels are high, I'll go through the DAN protocol and hope and pray that it helps his symptoms and that we see an improvement once his body rids the metals and toxins. Our new baby will NOT be vaccinated - not until we know more, or until he's 4 yrs old - which ever comes first. It's a personal decision on our part, and I think it sucks that I feel as though we're sometimes judged for choosing this as an option for our child. But, that's just it - it IS our decision and we'll do what's best for our family. No one else will. Because, in reality, who else cares enough to do what's best for our family and our children? They don't have to live with the consequences.
4.10.2007
4.02.2007
the kids
I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. This pregnancy is flying by. I guess because I'm so busy with everything else. I'm feeling a little more movement than I was last week. So, although he's not as active as Holden was ... he's giving me a few kicks here and there to let me know he's still in there!
Holden starts week 4 of therapy this week. He's doing well with the therapy, but I can't help but feel helpless on the days when he doesn't have thearpy. Like I should be doing so much more than I am, but don't know how. My best friend lives in CA and she put me in touch with a friend of hers whose son was diagnosed a few years ago. He's now 6. I spoke to her last night on the phone and she gave me some valuable information about the biomedical approach to autism. Her son has never received therapy (ABA, Speech, OT, etc.). He's doing great now and she explained in detail things like supplements, chelation therapy, etc. I've contacted a DAN doctor in Tampa and we're just waiting to save the money for an initial consultation. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help my son. In the meantime, we'll continue with the therapy and hope for the best.
Zoe went to spend the night with her grandmother on Saturday night. She took her to an Easter program that was, apparently, pretty graphic. She enjoyed it. However, now she's "scared of the devil". We had conversation after conversation about this yesterday and just when you think she's okay ... she's not. She won't walk into another room without one of us. She won't sleep in a room without one of us. Even with the TV on, lights on, and dog with her. It sounds silly, but she is genuinely scared. Like, shaking scared. I feel for her, but really don't know what to do at this point. My husband says she has to face her fears and be alone in a room so that she can see that nothing is going to "happen" to her. I know he's probably right, but I can't leave her when she's so frightened. It sucks. No more church programs for her - at least not until she's older!
Oh, and since April is National Autism Awareness month, my sister-in-law bought me a bracelet with an Autism ribbon and a heart that says "together, we can make a difference".
Holden starts week 4 of therapy this week. He's doing well with the therapy, but I can't help but feel helpless on the days when he doesn't have thearpy. Like I should be doing so much more than I am, but don't know how. My best friend lives in CA and she put me in touch with a friend of hers whose son was diagnosed a few years ago. He's now 6. I spoke to her last night on the phone and she gave me some valuable information about the biomedical approach to autism. Her son has never received therapy (ABA, Speech, OT, etc.). He's doing great now and she explained in detail things like supplements, chelation therapy, etc. I've contacted a DAN doctor in Tampa and we're just waiting to save the money for an initial consultation. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help my son. In the meantime, we'll continue with the therapy and hope for the best.
Zoe went to spend the night with her grandmother on Saturday night. She took her to an Easter program that was, apparently, pretty graphic. She enjoyed it. However, now she's "scared of the devil". We had conversation after conversation about this yesterday and just when you think she's okay ... she's not. She won't walk into another room without one of us. She won't sleep in a room without one of us. Even with the TV on, lights on, and dog with her. It sounds silly, but she is genuinely scared. Like, shaking scared. I feel for her, but really don't know what to do at this point. My husband says she has to face her fears and be alone in a room so that she can see that nothing is going to "happen" to her. I know he's probably right, but I can't leave her when she's so frightened. It sucks. No more church programs for her - at least not until she's older!
Oh, and since April is National Autism Awareness month, my sister-in-law bought me a bracelet with an Autism ribbon and a heart that says "together, we can make a difference".
3.28.2007
i don't know
I don't know if the little "fits" that Holden's throwing are normal, everyday, typical toddler "fits". Or are they due to the autistic behaviors? He'll be 2 in 2.5 weeks. So, one should expect that he would start doing toddler things, right? Like tantrums, for instance. But, how do I know if it's normal behavior, or if it's because he's resistent to change or he's over stimulated? Today we went to the park. Before we left the house, I turned off his Baby Einstein video and he cried. Cried in the car for about 30 seconds, and by the time we were out of the driveway, he was fine. We went to the park and I let him swing for about 15-20 minutes at which time he looked and smiled at his sister and another little girl who were swinging next to him. I swore I even heard him say "issy" for sissy. But, I don't know for sure. I take him and let him walk around a little, where he ignored the kids, and walked through the rocks and mulch. After about 5 minutes, I told him we had to go. I picked him up and he started squirming - trying to get down. Then came the crying (as he could see we were walking towards the car), and the screaming. Crying and screaming when I put him in the carseat. And once we were out of the driveway of the park, he was done. I wondered all the way home if this was just a normal toddler meltdown, or if it's part of his autistic behaviors. I DON'T KNOW and it's frustrating as all hell.
3.26.2007
Optimism, even just for today.
We went to OT this morning. When we sat down, the therapist said she wanted to talk to me. I cringed at first because I had no idea what she wanted to "talk" about.
She told me that she and Beth (Holden's Speech therapist) had talked about him and his progress. She said they were both in agreement that his progress had been wonderful, seeing as he'd only had 4 sessions each. They say he's interacting a lot more with them than they thought. She said she realizes that Holden came in for the evaluations and therapy, due to the diagnosis (although not official, obviously) of "autistic tendencies / behaviors", but she said they really think he will "beat this diagnosis". She said she thinks they are going to be able to "get him out of it". She was quick to say that it's clear he has sensory problems and that's something that will need to be worked on at home and therapy. And he obviously does still have autistic behaviors, but she's optimistic in thinking that he can overcome this and eventually be mainstreamed into school, etc.
I know I can't read too much into this good news. Because I know that realistically, our son needs a lot more therapy and it's a long term thing. BUT, I've noticed improvements in his behaviors (eye contact, interacting with his sister more, showing emotions (kissing me/hugging me), socializing with me) over the past 3-4 weeks. He's made a lot of progress, compared to where we were when we started this whole thing over a month and a half ago. So it was good to hear that someone else (a professional) acknowledges his progress, too.
So, for today, I am happy. I am optimistic. Everyone says ... take one day at a time. Well, I'm doing that, and today I'm going to be happy and optimistic about Holden's therapy and progress. Tomorrow may be different.
She told me that she and Beth (Holden's Speech therapist) had talked about him and his progress. She said they were both in agreement that his progress had been wonderful, seeing as he'd only had 4 sessions each. They say he's interacting a lot more with them than they thought. She said she realizes that Holden came in for the evaluations and therapy, due to the diagnosis (although not official, obviously) of "autistic tendencies / behaviors", but she said they really think he will "beat this diagnosis". She said she thinks they are going to be able to "get him out of it". She was quick to say that it's clear he has sensory problems and that's something that will need to be worked on at home and therapy. And he obviously does still have autistic behaviors, but she's optimistic in thinking that he can overcome this and eventually be mainstreamed into school, etc.
I know I can't read too much into this good news. Because I know that realistically, our son needs a lot more therapy and it's a long term thing. BUT, I've noticed improvements in his behaviors (eye contact, interacting with his sister more, showing emotions (kissing me/hugging me), socializing with me) over the past 3-4 weeks. He's made a lot of progress, compared to where we were when we started this whole thing over a month and a half ago. So it was good to hear that someone else (a professional) acknowledges his progress, too.
So, for today, I am happy. I am optimistic. Everyone says ... take one day at a time. Well, I'm doing that, and today I'm going to be happy and optimistic about Holden's therapy and progress. Tomorrow may be different.
3.22.2007
Note to self: stop watching TV and reading on the internet
Last night my mom called to let me know that Larry King Live's show was on Autism. I had missed the first 40 minutes of the show; but I turned it on anyway. I saw they were going to replay the show at midnight, so I taped it. After watching that last 20 minutes of it though, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have. Today, I toyed with the idea of hitting the play button on the remote when I passed by it on the list of shows to watch. Finally this evening, while I was rocking Holden to sleep, I hit play. I wish I wouldn't have.
Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?
She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.
So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.
Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?
She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.
So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.
Late, but worth it.
I'm posting this late - our anniversary was 2 weeks ago. This is what my husband wrote in the card he gave me:
Rhonda,
It's been hard the past few months and it will get a little more difficult because we are going to start expecting results; if those results aren't to our liking, or aren't fast enough, we'll get upset or frustrated or both. Holden is lucky, I don't know what he would do without you. I don't know what any of us would do.
I know you think you're weak, or that you have been weak with this whole thing with Holden, but you're strong. Stronger than I could be. I couldn't handle the day in, day out like you do. I don't know how you have managed as well as you have, especially being pregnant.
You make so much possible for me and our children. They don't make your life, but your life makes them and they, or we, are lucky.
Happy 2 years,
Me.
He's an angel.
Rhonda,
It's been hard the past few months and it will get a little more difficult because we are going to start expecting results; if those results aren't to our liking, or aren't fast enough, we'll get upset or frustrated or both. Holden is lucky, I don't know what he would do without you. I don't know what any of us would do.
I know you think you're weak, or that you have been weak with this whole thing with Holden, but you're strong. Stronger than I could be. I couldn't handle the day in, day out like you do. I don't know how you have managed as well as you have, especially being pregnant.
You make so much possible for me and our children. They don't make your life, but your life makes them and they, or we, are lucky.
Happy 2 years,
Me.
He's an angel.
3.21.2007
Progress.
Holden started his 3rd week (I think, or maybe it's his 2nd full week) of OT and Speech this week. We had a dual session yesterday - where the ST and OT basically "gang" up on him. Do both OT and Speech in the same session; to try and keep him focused. It helps. He enjoys OT the best simply because he gets to swing. I guess i'ts calming to him. Anyway, both therapists told me that they couldn't believe how much he's opened up in such a short period of time. His eye contact improves daily. His play skills (puzzles, shape toys, magnadoodle, etc.) are getting much better. Meaning, that instead of just lining up the coins that go into the singing piggybank, he actually puts them IN the piggybank. He knows what to do with some toys that he didn't know what to do with before. He's communicating with us by bringing things to us now. He never used to do that. I would always have to guess and look for his sippy cup to see if it was empty, etc. Now, he'll come to me, take my hand and shake his sippy cup (empty) and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to watch a baby einstein video, he'll bring me the remote, take my hand and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to be held, he'll take our hands and put them under his arms to be picked up. It's good. But, he's not trying to sound out the words like he used to. I talked to the ST about this and she said that we still need to encourage him to make sounds. Especially if it's sounds that we've heard him make before. But to be careful not to push him into a point of frustration where he shuts down. So I'm working on that at home with him. At least, as she said, he's trying to communicate with us and he realizes that he gets something when he lets us know he wants it. I may talk to them tomorrow at the next session to discuss using PECS since he's bringing things to us now. Although it may still be too early. Oh, and he just reminded me - he's laughing at things on the videos now. If animals are being silly, he'll laugh. If we clap for him - for doing something good - he'll smile. He's realizing emotions which is great. He's flipping through a book now. Not really looking at the pictures yet, but he's much more interested, since the ST is reading to him a lot in the sessions. I'm also reading to him a lot at home. At least 2-3 times a day. We read Eric Carle books, which she said are great, because the words are repetitious. I'm so glad I started him in therapy now. At least I feel like I'm doing something to help him and improve his little world.
I'm 18w1d. Baby is growing and is about 1/2 a pound now, according to the last ultrasound. In 3 weeks, I have to go back for another ultrasound and to have an EKG on the baby's heart. Doc says it's "standard procedure" when diabetes are involved. I hope he's being honest. Oh, and all prenatal labs came back negative, which is good. Pap was negative. So, things are moving right along. Still haven't felt a lot of movement, which is strange to me. With Holden, I felt it VERY early on - like it was constant enough that at 17 weeks when I didn't feel anything for a few days, I panicked and went in for an appointment to hear the heartbeat. I've felt this little guy, but not often. Maybe once a day and it's very very slight. I'm wondering if it's just that my mind is so preoccupied with Holden and Zoe and other things that I'm just not paying attention? Maybe.
Zoe's doing so good in school. Honor roll. Yes, our kid made the honor roll on her last report card. So, so proud of her. So much so that she earned herself a Nintendo DS. She's such an awesome kid.
I'm 18w1d. Baby is growing and is about 1/2 a pound now, according to the last ultrasound. In 3 weeks, I have to go back for another ultrasound and to have an EKG on the baby's heart. Doc says it's "standard procedure" when diabetes are involved. I hope he's being honest. Oh, and all prenatal labs came back negative, which is good. Pap was negative. So, things are moving right along. Still haven't felt a lot of movement, which is strange to me. With Holden, I felt it VERY early on - like it was constant enough that at 17 weeks when I didn't feel anything for a few days, I panicked and went in for an appointment to hear the heartbeat. I've felt this little guy, but not often. Maybe once a day and it's very very slight. I'm wondering if it's just that my mind is so preoccupied with Holden and Zoe and other things that I'm just not paying attention? Maybe.
Zoe's doing so good in school. Honor roll. Yes, our kid made the honor roll on her last report card. So, so proud of her. So much so that she earned herself a Nintendo DS. She's such an awesome kid.
3.15.2007
my goodness, i could go for a BIG glass of wine
So I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I had an appointment with the high-risk doctor. Ultrasound looked good. He came in and started looking at the baby's heart. Slow motion. Look again. Slow motion. You get the picture. He told me that in 4 weeks when I come back, they'll do another US and an EKG on the baby. I asked him if that was a "normal" test they did and he said that with diabetes being involved - yes. They do an EKG around 20-24 weeks on the baby's heart just to make sure everything's fine. I'm going to trust this guy and try not to give it a second thought, other than it's just normal procedure. Cletus is measuring right on track (17 weeks) and is about 1/2 a pound now. I've lost a total of 11 lbs since 8 weeks pregnant, and he didn't seem concerned, so I'm not going to be, either.
Last weekend, we all had the flu. All. Of. Us. All 4 of us. Stuck in this house together, puking and shitting our brains out. I'm not kidding when I say I was puking every 30 minutes for the first 4-5 hours, and shitting in between. Try doing that AND taking care of 2 kids who have the same thing. Not fun. We all slept out in the living room - kids on the floor with towels and me on the couch, wide awake every time one of them moved. Dietrich slept in the bedroom because he didn't start with all the yuckies until around midnight. Today's Thursday and we're just now getting back on track here. Thank god. Whatever it was - sucked major ass.
Holden finished his 2nd week of therapy today. He's now in ST and OT twice week (30 minutes each), so 2 hours total. I'm learning some techniques to do with him at home and he seems to be responding much better this week than last. I guess it takes some getting used to at his age. He's using the sign for "more" all the time now. Although, he uses it more for "I want", instead of just "more". He's also making much better eye contact, which is a good thing. I really think when he starts talking (hopefully soon), he'll be a much happier little boy. Right now, he gets extremely frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants.
I'm doing much better this week. I think the being sick thing was a blessing in disguise. I remember thinking, while we were all feeling near death, that we're incredibly lucky to have our health. Yes, this autism "thing" blows, but, overall - it could be much much worse. My kids are healthy and happy, and even though they may have some challenges to overcome - don't we all? Also, Dietrich's friend at work was telling him about his 9 year old nephew. He started having "fits" of vomitting and shaking - kind of like a seizure, and they found a cyst in his brain. I just. Wow. My heart goes out to his family. I know there's no cure for autism and I know that it's something we'll live with forever. But, with hard work and dedication - I think Holden can overcome this and continue to be the happy little boy that he is now.
Now, don't get me wrong - I'll be crying tomorrow. About something. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain hormonal.
Last weekend, we all had the flu. All. Of. Us. All 4 of us. Stuck in this house together, puking and shitting our brains out. I'm not kidding when I say I was puking every 30 minutes for the first 4-5 hours, and shitting in between. Try doing that AND taking care of 2 kids who have the same thing. Not fun. We all slept out in the living room - kids on the floor with towels and me on the couch, wide awake every time one of them moved. Dietrich slept in the bedroom because he didn't start with all the yuckies until around midnight. Today's Thursday and we're just now getting back on track here. Thank god. Whatever it was - sucked major ass.
Holden finished his 2nd week of therapy today. He's now in ST and OT twice week (30 minutes each), so 2 hours total. I'm learning some techniques to do with him at home and he seems to be responding much better this week than last. I guess it takes some getting used to at his age. He's using the sign for "more" all the time now. Although, he uses it more for "I want", instead of just "more". He's also making much better eye contact, which is a good thing. I really think when he starts talking (hopefully soon), he'll be a much happier little boy. Right now, he gets extremely frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants.
I'm doing much better this week. I think the being sick thing was a blessing in disguise. I remember thinking, while we were all feeling near death, that we're incredibly lucky to have our health. Yes, this autism "thing" blows, but, overall - it could be much much worse. My kids are healthy and happy, and even though they may have some challenges to overcome - don't we all? Also, Dietrich's friend at work was telling him about his 9 year old nephew. He started having "fits" of vomitting and shaking - kind of like a seizure, and they found a cyst in his brain. I just. Wow. My heart goes out to his family. I know there's no cure for autism and I know that it's something we'll live with forever. But, with hard work and dedication - I think Holden can overcome this and continue to be the happy little boy that he is now.
Now, don't get me wrong - I'll be crying tomorrow. About something. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain hormonal.
3.06.2007
16 Weeks & More
Today I'm 16 weeks pregnant. My quad blood screen came back negative for all of the genetic problems they check for, so that's good. My sugars suck first thing in the morning - my fasting levels are high. Which means, I'll have to start insulin injections at night (soon, I just know it). I've lost 9 lbs total since my first appointment at 8 weeks. Which, normally would thrill me to no end.
Since my last post things have been hectic, to say the least. There's been a lot of stress, worry, tears, lack of eating, sleepless nights, and more tears. In the past 1-2 months, we've come to realize that Holden is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I saw somewhere because we haven't been given an official diagnosis, other than he has "autistic tendencies". In the past 2 weeks, we have seen his regular pediatrician, had a PT evaluation, an OT evaluation, a Speech evaluation, and spoken to our family care coordinator with the Early Intervention program.
Today is his first day of Speech Therapy. He can only do 30 minutes sessions because of his age, so today, from 4-4:30, the journey begins. Thursday, he will have Speech and OT. Luckily, he wasn't recommended for PT at this time. He's in the 19m-27m age level for PT; so, that's a good thing. One less thing to focus on. I have no idea what to expect with these 30 minute sessions. It's hard for me to imagine that therapy can take place in 30 minutes. But, I'm going to leave it to the experts and hopefully I will learn a lot in the process.
I've been worried about Holden for a few months now. He was right on target with developmental milestones until around the age of 15, 16, 17 months. He had a few words in his vocabulary - not many. "Mama", "Dada", "Bella", "Yes", "No". During those 3 months (from 15-18), he lost those words. Actually, he became very quiet during that time. Not a lot of babbling, or noises of any kind. He picked up the babbling again around 18 months and we thought for sure that would be the turning point. That he would start talking and having conversations with us. It didn't happen. We thought maybe it was just because he wasn't exposed to other kids, as I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. But, daycare costs weren't in our budget, so we decided against putting him in daycare. We thought maybe it was because he just watched a little too much Sesame Street during the day. We thought maybe he was just a boy and a "late bloomer" and would start talking soon. It didn't happen. In the meantime, I googled "Speech Delay in Toddlers" and noticed that practically every link available took me to a site for autism. I began to read the signs and symptoms and realized that maybe it wasn't just a speech delay afterall. He had signs. He had symptoms. My heart fell into my stomach.
Holden doesn't have a lot of eye contact. More with me, and his dad - than with strangers. I would say he makes eye contact maybe 50% of the time that he should. He responds to us calling him maybe 50% of the time as well; although that's delayed. I'll call him and he won't respond for 10 seconds or more. He loves stacking his blocks, taking them down, restacking them. He never brings me to his toys, or shows me anything he may want, or need. He doesn't play with his cars like he should. He plays with them, but only to put them in a pile in his lap or crawl over them. He likes books. But he likes to turn the pages, not necessarily l0ok at the pictures or let mama read to him.
With that being said, he loves hugs. He loves to be held and for me to rock him any time of the day. He has the biggest, most hugest dimples when he smiles, which has been more frequent lately. He loves bubbles, and has even learned a few new words in the past few weeks. He says "bubbles", "dada", "didi", "bibi", "juice". During the Speech evaluation last week, she tried to teach him the sign for "more". He now does it, although sometimes it looks more like he's clapping than the real sign for it. But, I know what he means. He listens when I tell him to "get down", or "stop", or "no", so I know he hears me, and understands what I say. I've been told by other moms that it sounds as though he's on the mild end of the spectrum. Which, is good, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, some days, I'm overwhelmed by this label that's soon to be put on my 2nd born child, my little boy. I know the diagnosis is coming, as we have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician on April 17th, followed by a 2.5 hour evaluation by the Early Intervention program on April 19th. I know that it won't change who he is. I know he'll still be my sweet little boy that hugs me for no reason and gives me kisses. I'll still sleep in bed with him each night and hold him close, as I say a prayer that he will be protected and that I'll somehow have the strength to get through this and give him everything he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, I worry. I worry every waking moment of every day, and every sleeping moment of every night. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying, I wake up in the middle of the night ... worrying. I worry that he won't experience some of the joys of life. That he won't grow up and have friends, play soccer, get his drivers license, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a good job, get married and have kids of his own. I worry because of all the negative things I read about kids who are on the autistic spectrum. It consumes me, literally. I can't watch my favorite TV shows at night without thinking about autism, and worrying about him. I just sometimes feel like I need a break. A break from thinking. Everyone says "have faith" that things will work out. Or, "you're doing all you can". Or, "you caught it early and he'll be fine". The truth is that no one knows if things will work out, or if he'll be fine. I want so desperately to be positive about this. I want to feel okay with it. I want to be able to accept it. And not watch other moms with their sons cross the parking lot, or watch boys walking home from school when I wait to pick up Zoe each afternoon, and ask "why me?" I want to know that there's a purpose for this. That it's happening for a reason and goddamn it, I want to know what the reason is. Why my precious little boy has to struggle and why things can't just come naturally for him. Why.
I've always known how much I love my family. But, in the past month or 2, I've come to realize that my kids and my husband are truly my life. My family is my support system. My husband is my rock, and my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. My kids make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to share their lives. Even my parents and my brothers, and my in-laws - they've all shown me what family really means. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to realize how many blessings we have in our lives. I have so many. So, so many.
I sometime wish this roller coaster of emotions would just stop and let me off.
Since my last post things have been hectic, to say the least. There's been a lot of stress, worry, tears, lack of eating, sleepless nights, and more tears. In the past 1-2 months, we've come to realize that Holden is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I saw somewhere because we haven't been given an official diagnosis, other than he has "autistic tendencies". In the past 2 weeks, we have seen his regular pediatrician, had a PT evaluation, an OT evaluation, a Speech evaluation, and spoken to our family care coordinator with the Early Intervention program.
Today is his first day of Speech Therapy. He can only do 30 minutes sessions because of his age, so today, from 4-4:30, the journey begins. Thursday, he will have Speech and OT. Luckily, he wasn't recommended for PT at this time. He's in the 19m-27m age level for PT; so, that's a good thing. One less thing to focus on. I have no idea what to expect with these 30 minute sessions. It's hard for me to imagine that therapy can take place in 30 minutes. But, I'm going to leave it to the experts and hopefully I will learn a lot in the process.
I've been worried about Holden for a few months now. He was right on target with developmental milestones until around the age of 15, 16, 17 months. He had a few words in his vocabulary - not many. "Mama", "Dada", "Bella", "Yes", "No". During those 3 months (from 15-18), he lost those words. Actually, he became very quiet during that time. Not a lot of babbling, or noises of any kind. He picked up the babbling again around 18 months and we thought for sure that would be the turning point. That he would start talking and having conversations with us. It didn't happen. We thought maybe it was just because he wasn't exposed to other kids, as I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. But, daycare costs weren't in our budget, so we decided against putting him in daycare. We thought maybe it was because he just watched a little too much Sesame Street during the day. We thought maybe he was just a boy and a "late bloomer" and would start talking soon. It didn't happen. In the meantime, I googled "Speech Delay in Toddlers" and noticed that practically every link available took me to a site for autism. I began to read the signs and symptoms and realized that maybe it wasn't just a speech delay afterall. He had signs. He had symptoms. My heart fell into my stomach.
Holden doesn't have a lot of eye contact. More with me, and his dad - than with strangers. I would say he makes eye contact maybe 50% of the time that he should. He responds to us calling him maybe 50% of the time as well; although that's delayed. I'll call him and he won't respond for 10 seconds or more. He loves stacking his blocks, taking them down, restacking them. He never brings me to his toys, or shows me anything he may want, or need. He doesn't play with his cars like he should. He plays with them, but only to put them in a pile in his lap or crawl over them. He likes books. But he likes to turn the pages, not necessarily l0ok at the pictures or let mama read to him.
With that being said, he loves hugs. He loves to be held and for me to rock him any time of the day. He has the biggest, most hugest dimples when he smiles, which has been more frequent lately. He loves bubbles, and has even learned a few new words in the past few weeks. He says "bubbles", "dada", "didi", "bibi", "juice". During the Speech evaluation last week, she tried to teach him the sign for "more". He now does it, although sometimes it looks more like he's clapping than the real sign for it. But, I know what he means. He listens when I tell him to "get down", or "stop", or "no", so I know he hears me, and understands what I say. I've been told by other moms that it sounds as though he's on the mild end of the spectrum. Which, is good, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, some days, I'm overwhelmed by this label that's soon to be put on my 2nd born child, my little boy. I know the diagnosis is coming, as we have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician on April 17th, followed by a 2.5 hour evaluation by the Early Intervention program on April 19th. I know that it won't change who he is. I know he'll still be my sweet little boy that hugs me for no reason and gives me kisses. I'll still sleep in bed with him each night and hold him close, as I say a prayer that he will be protected and that I'll somehow have the strength to get through this and give him everything he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, I worry. I worry every waking moment of every day, and every sleeping moment of every night. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying, I wake up in the middle of the night ... worrying. I worry that he won't experience some of the joys of life. That he won't grow up and have friends, play soccer, get his drivers license, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a good job, get married and have kids of his own. I worry because of all the negative things I read about kids who are on the autistic spectrum. It consumes me, literally. I can't watch my favorite TV shows at night without thinking about autism, and worrying about him. I just sometimes feel like I need a break. A break from thinking. Everyone says "have faith" that things will work out. Or, "you're doing all you can". Or, "you caught it early and he'll be fine". The truth is that no one knows if things will work out, or if he'll be fine. I want so desperately to be positive about this. I want to feel okay with it. I want to be able to accept it. And not watch other moms with their sons cross the parking lot, or watch boys walking home from school when I wait to pick up Zoe each afternoon, and ask "why me?" I want to know that there's a purpose for this. That it's happening for a reason and goddamn it, I want to know what the reason is. Why my precious little boy has to struggle and why things can't just come naturally for him. Why.
I've always known how much I love my family. But, in the past month or 2, I've come to realize that my kids and my husband are truly my life. My family is my support system. My husband is my rock, and my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. My kids make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to share their lives. Even my parents and my brothers, and my in-laws - they've all shown me what family really means. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to realize how many blessings we have in our lives. I have so many. So, so many.
I sometime wish this roller coaster of emotions would just stop and let me off.
1.23.2007
10 weeks, today
I'm 10 weeks pregnant, today. Hey, every day counts, trust me. At least for me anyway. I'm not the best pregnant woman to be around. 7 years ago when I was pregant with Zoe, I was miserable. Tired, sick, uncomfortable, HOT (that's what I get for going through pregnancy in the dead summer in Florida), and just plain wanting the pregnancy to end. In a good way, of course. With a healthy and happy baby ... but just to be over. She was stubborn and I ended up being induced a week after her duedate. After 22.5 hours of labor, she was here, finally. You know, you expect the immediate bond a mother should have for her children. But after 22.5 hours, I was exhausted, full of rushing hormones, and frankly just not wanting to be bothered. I had a LOT of guilt for not feeling what I thought I should with my happy, healthy baby girl. When it was all over with, I ended up in my room on the maternity floor at 11:30pm. I chose not to breastfeed with her, mainly because I was a single mom and had to go back to work as soon as I possibly could, and just didn't know how I would handle that and breastfeeding. (Now I know it's not so bad, and that it can be done. Then, I was naieve, I guess). So they asked if I wanted her with me, or in the nursery. I opted for the nursery. At 5:45am, they brought her in to me and from that point on, she's been the joy of my life. There may not have been the immediate bond that I thought there would be, but the day after I had her, we laid in the hospital bed and cuddled, snuggled, and bonded. I'll never forget that day. Zoe's now 7 and a half yrs old.
Bring pregnant with Holden was much different. Zoe was already 5 and in school, and it had been a while since I had gone through the "joys" of prenancy. With him, I was still extremely tired, sick, and uncomfortable. See: not the best pregnant woman to be around. I found out at 24 weeks that I had gestational diabetes. What a new experience that was. I went through diabetes education and met with a nutritionist who helped me develop a diet. She said that "most" women can keep the diabetes under control with diet alone. Well, no such luck for me. My sugars were out of control, so the next step was to see a perinatologist who specialized in pregnancy and diabetes. First, he tried an oral medication (Gliburide). Didn't work. Next came the insulin injections. Morning & night. It wasn't working either though, and they had to create a cocktail of 2 different insulin meds - a fast acting and slow acting. Getting the right doses was difficult, to say the least. We never did get things under control completely, and I went in for bi-weekly stress tests to make sure he wasn't getting so big that he was running out of room. They monitored his heartbeat and kick count. The doctor scheduled a c-section because they estimated him at at least 9 lbs. (this was at my 38 week ultrasound). He was born a week later and weighed in at 9lbs. 13ozs. Going through the c-section was strange. Knowing they were cutting me open, and not feeling a thing. Strage. I remember hearing him cry and letting out a big sigh of relief. I remember when they wheeled me out of the OR, they put him on my chest and the kid felt like he weight 20 lbs. His blood sugar was really low after birth, so they had to immediately feed him 4 ozs. of formula to get his sugar up. He regulated and ended up just fine. He's happy, and healthy and a joy to be around. I did choose to breastfeed him, by the way. He's now 2 months shy of being 2 years old.
Dietrich always wanted 1 more child. I wasn't so sure after the last pregnancy with the diabetes, insuline, stress tests, c-section, etc. But, lo and behold, 10 weeks ago, we made another little one. I was actually shocked at the pregnancy test results. But, happy nonetheless. Nervous though. Nervous that this pregnancy will be like the last. That I would be ... of course, tired, sick, uncomfortable. Well, so far, I'm tired (that's for sure). But, not so much sick. Little bouts of nausea, but nothing...NOTHING compared to the last 2. I had my first appointment with the perinatologist yesterday. I have a regular OB/GYN and a high-risk doctor because of the problems with diabetes last time. Oh, and because of my "advanced maternal age" as the doc says. I had to go through the diabetes education again, and we created a high protein, low-card diet again, because I've been checking my sugar for a week now and apparently already showing signs of the gestational diabetes. The doctor was worried that I could already be a Type 2 diabetic and didn't know it. But, blood tests showed that's not the case. Yet. It's the pregnancy hormones that are causing the high sugar levels, at least for now. So, we'll follow the diet to a "T", and we'll do what we need to do to make sure this kid isn't another 10 pounder and that it's healthy. And that mama's healthy, of course. Hopefully we can steer away from the insulin this time around, as the giving myself shots again makes me shudder. This will, however, be another scheduled c-section.
Regardless, here's baby #3 and the conclusion of our little family. Although my kids are my greatest joy, this is it for me. I will definitely make sure of that!
Bring pregnant with Holden was much different. Zoe was already 5 and in school, and it had been a while since I had gone through the "joys" of prenancy. With him, I was still extremely tired, sick, and uncomfortable. See: not the best pregnant woman to be around. I found out at 24 weeks that I had gestational diabetes. What a new experience that was. I went through diabetes education and met with a nutritionist who helped me develop a diet. She said that "most" women can keep the diabetes under control with diet alone. Well, no such luck for me. My sugars were out of control, so the next step was to see a perinatologist who specialized in pregnancy and diabetes. First, he tried an oral medication (Gliburide). Didn't work. Next came the insulin injections. Morning & night. It wasn't working either though, and they had to create a cocktail of 2 different insulin meds - a fast acting and slow acting. Getting the right doses was difficult, to say the least. We never did get things under control completely, and I went in for bi-weekly stress tests to make sure he wasn't getting so big that he was running out of room. They monitored his heartbeat and kick count. The doctor scheduled a c-section because they estimated him at at least 9 lbs. (this was at my 38 week ultrasound). He was born a week later and weighed in at 9lbs. 13ozs. Going through the c-section was strange. Knowing they were cutting me open, and not feeling a thing. Strage. I remember hearing him cry and letting out a big sigh of relief. I remember when they wheeled me out of the OR, they put him on my chest and the kid felt like he weight 20 lbs. His blood sugar was really low after birth, so they had to immediately feed him 4 ozs. of formula to get his sugar up. He regulated and ended up just fine. He's happy, and healthy and a joy to be around. I did choose to breastfeed him, by the way. He's now 2 months shy of being 2 years old.
Dietrich always wanted 1 more child. I wasn't so sure after the last pregnancy with the diabetes, insuline, stress tests, c-section, etc. But, lo and behold, 10 weeks ago, we made another little one. I was actually shocked at the pregnancy test results. But, happy nonetheless. Nervous though. Nervous that this pregnancy will be like the last. That I would be ... of course, tired, sick, uncomfortable. Well, so far, I'm tired (that's for sure). But, not so much sick. Little bouts of nausea, but nothing...NOTHING compared to the last 2. I had my first appointment with the perinatologist yesterday. I have a regular OB/GYN and a high-risk doctor because of the problems with diabetes last time. Oh, and because of my "advanced maternal age" as the doc says. I had to go through the diabetes education again, and we created a high protein, low-card diet again, because I've been checking my sugar for a week now and apparently already showing signs of the gestational diabetes. The doctor was worried that I could already be a Type 2 diabetic and didn't know it. But, blood tests showed that's not the case. Yet. It's the pregnancy hormones that are causing the high sugar levels, at least for now. So, we'll follow the diet to a "T", and we'll do what we need to do to make sure this kid isn't another 10 pounder and that it's healthy. And that mama's healthy, of course. Hopefully we can steer away from the insulin this time around, as the giving myself shots again makes me shudder. This will, however, be another scheduled c-section.
Regardless, here's baby #3 and the conclusion of our little family. Although my kids are my greatest joy, this is it for me. I will definitely make sure of that!
8.29.2006
WTF?
It seems that no matter what I eat, I feel guilty for eating. Like, I just shouldn't eat at all. I don't know why. Even if it's something that's 'good' for me, I still feel guilt for eating. I normally drink a LOT of water, even with meals. So, maybe it's the really full feeling I get, even if I don't eat a lot. Maybe I'll associate feeling full with guilt which will in turn make me not want to be overly full, which will help me eat less. Maybe? I can only hope.
Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.
Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.
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