I have a confession to make. I haven't even logged into my blog in over a year. But I had a conversation this morning and it brought back some memories of old feelings and thoughts and it made me realize that I've finally gotten "there".

When Holden was first diagnosed, and even for the 2 years that followed, I always wondered how other mothers did it. How they didn't stress or obsess constantly about their child's future. How they accepted things and took the "let's make the best of it" mentality. I just thought there's NO way I'll ever be okay with not knowing about his future and where he will be when he's 18, or 19, or 20.

Over the past year, a lot has happened. My marriage ended. The kids and I have moved back to Florida (home). I'm living in a small town I said I would never come back to settle down in (which, by the way, I'm not settling - I'm moving back to Orlando in the summer!). But, anyway, you get the point. A LOT has happened.

But, something else happened, too. Holden started typical kindergarten this year. I'll be honest and say the only reason I chose public school for him this year is because I want to apply for the Florida McKay Scholarship, which allows funding for private schools, and also gives you more freedom of where to send your special needs child. And, in order to apply, they have to be in public school for 1 year. So, I chose this year. I thought it would be better for him. Kindergarten, the children are still somewhat accepting of disabilities, and aren't as quick to make fun, and laugh at other children. So, those are my reasons for doing it. However, whatever the reasons are ... the fact remains that HE IS IN A TYPICAL KINDERGARTEN CLASS. I never thought I would say those words 3 years ago. He's having some challenges, sure, but overall, he's managing. And, he's adjusting slowly, but he's still adjusting.

Which brings me to my conversation I was having this morning. Someone said to me "it wasn't supposed to be this way". I had an Oprah "ah ha!" moment. Because, it's never supposed to be this way. No one knows that better than me. Holden wasn't supposed to have autism. He was supposed to be my boy, my oldest boy, who grew up to go to college (University of Florida, preferrably!), be a doctor, get married, and give me grandkids. But he didn't. So, I've had to make some adjustments myself over the past 3 years to the way I think. It's no longer about my insecurities, it's about overcoming them.

I think I'm finally "there". At that place where I take things one day at a time. And, a place that I've found acceptance that even though "it wasn't supposed to be this way"...it is this way. And I've learned to accept autism. I'll NEVER like autism, and I'll also NEVER give up on overcoming autism. But I've accepted it. And I've also accepted a very uncertain future for my boy and the fact that my life's mission will always be to make my children's future as certain as I possibly can. For example, I read about a new study last week where researchers have found that a drug that's approved to treat tuberculosis may also increase social skills in people with autism. I emailed the doctor who is overseeing the clinical trial and offered my son as a "guinea pig", so to speak. I asked if they were doing a clinical trial on children his age. She emailed me back immediately and said they were starting with an older population and then focusing on younger children after that trial is complete, and they are extremly hopeful that this will help people affected with autism. I told her to save my contact information.

So, instead of stressing about Holden's future, I have decided to do everything possible for him - and do what used to come the hardest for me. Wait and see. I think I'm finally "there".