It seems that no matter what I eat, I feel guilty for eating. Like, I just shouldn't eat at all. I don't know why. Even if it's something that's 'good' for me, I still feel guilt for eating. I normally drink a LOT of water, even with meals. So, maybe it's the really full feeling I get, even if I don't eat a lot. Maybe I'll associate feeling full with guilt which will in turn make me not want to be overly full, which will help me eat less. Maybe? I can only hope.

Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.


Come Monday it'll be alright.

It was a relaxing weekend. Dietrich had Friday off, so it felt like a 3 day weekend for me, too. Even though I'm a stay-at-home-mom and I'm home all the time. It just feels like a tiny vacation when he's home for 3 days in a row to help me with the little ones.

I woke up yesterday to find out that tropical storm Ernesto is supposed to hit Florida now. Which wasn't predicted previously. So, our first storm of the season. And, Dietrich is scheduled to go to Puerto Rico for a night on Wednesday. The storm is supposed to hit either Wednesday or Thursday in our area. I don't think he'll be going this week. That's a relief.

Oh, Saturday was Zoe's belt promotion at Taekwondo. She's now a blue belt. I think. Or maybe it's purple. Anyway, she's only 5 belts away from black now. I was so proud watching her, so that was the highlight of the weekend. Sunday was full of doing nothing but relaxing after the yard work in the morning. Dietrich worked on a website, I took a nap with Holden, and Zoe played with the neighbor kids. Good times.

I've now really cut down on the snacking and I'm proud of myself. I'm not a big snacker anyway, cept at night. But, I've cooked good, healthy meals for the family over the past 3 days and it feels pretty darn good. Good to know that the kids are eating healthy and good to know that I may just finally start losing a bit of weight. I still haven't tackled the exercise issue though. There was lots of walking around on Saturday, but nothing strenuous that could be called exercise. My goal is to start at the very least by going for a walk twice this week, and doing situps at night while I'm wishing I could snack. Maybe that'll take my mind off of wanting cheddar goldfish. We shall see.


she's .... grown up

Zoe's having her first "sleep over" as we speak. I know, she's 6 (will be 7 in 2 weeks) and it's about time. But, holy moly. It's 10:37pm and I'm wondering what my "baby" is doing. Is she sleeping? Is she playing dolls (bratz)? Is she wishing she were home? Of course, I'm sure she's fine, but, it's just me. Kinda, sorta wishing she were wishing she were home. I know, there's many more of these in the future, and then...and then...the REAL sleepovers when she just lies to me and tells me she's sleeping at a friends house and then goes to some stupid frat party and is out all night. Ugggg. I know, I'm way ahead of myself, but, JESUS, it goes SO INCREDIBLY fast.

Lord help me!


it's been a long time.

holy poop, it's been a long time since i've been able to post here. lots has happened in the past month and a half:

1.) zoe has been promoted to a yellow belt now; and will have another promotion this week where she'll get her camo belt.

2.) holden has 3, yes, THREE new teeth. for a total of 8 all together.

3.) the in-laws came to stay for a week, and a lot of wine was consumed.

4.) zoe's out of school for the summer.

5.) our dryer died, we have a new one being delivered in 2 days. next month, i'll still be catching up on laundry.

6.) i found a new hair dresser. i like her. my "ex-hairdresser" has done way too many drugs in her life, and it's all catching up with her. she can't do my hair without shaking like a leaf. makes me a bit nervous.

7.) i got a new car/truck for mother's day (buick rendevous).

8.) i've memorized every word to every song of the doodlebops on the disney channel since that's all holden will watch.

9.) my mom and dad are speaking again after being divorced for 5 years (after 35 years of marriage), it happens about once every 6 months - they get on this kick. it would be okay, if he weren't married. i think it's okay anyway, cause i hate her.

10.) holden's in a screaming phase. SCREAMING, i tell you. loud. all the time. if he doesn't get what he wants ... screams. if he wakes up ... screams. i can't wait till this phase is over. (*crossing fingers that it will be over eventually*).

11.) hurricane season is officially underway and we have our first named storm of the year, tropical storm alberto. (coming on shore, as we speak)

12.) the world cup is on.

13.) i've decided take myself off of zoloft and the withdrawals are KILLING me. i'm considering going back on, yes, they're THAT bad.

so, that's about all i can think of to update everyone on everything that's been going on. hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i have time to sit down and post again!


karate kid

zoe has recently been promoted to her orange belt in tai kwon do. she was so proud of herself! course, not nearly as proud as her daddy and me. putting her in tai kwon do was a really good thing. they teach discipline, respect, etc. more than just defending yourself, which is enough these days! especially for little girls. we signed her up for the leadership program, so now she'll go two days a week for class, and one day a week for sparing. and they'll teach her more on a one on one basis to help advance her belt status. you boys better BACK OFF! Kick some ass, baby!

i did it!

that's my girl!

can i have that? i'll put it back, i promise.

holden has a new thing. he likes removing things from whereever they are, and then putting them all back. he does this with EVERYTHING. we have a basket where all of our shoes are in next to the door. he takes out all of the shoes. then puts them back in. he does this with laundry, too. takes all of the clothes out of the basket, then puts them back in. drawers in the kitchen, takes out the kitchen towels and oven mitts, only to put them back. takes his toys out of the wine cabinet (which i should just rename as holden's toybox), then puts them back. he does this a lot. i watch him and just wonder what could possibly be going through his little mind and how he finds this the least bit amusing. it would be great (seeing as he puts things up), cept, after about the 3rd time, he usually decides to NOT put things back where he got them.

feeding bella (our dog) has gotten out of control. at least 40-50% of holden's meals are fed to the dog. he waits for her, then holds his food out (down) so she can reach him and then feeds her. or, he'll just throw the food on the floor and watch her eat. he finds this funny. bella does, too.


a year in review

holden is a year old today. it's amazing how time flies! we've been so busy this past year, it just doesn't seem possible that he's a year old.

at 1 year, he's walking all over the place. he's saying "dada", "mama", "nana", "book", "bella", and i suspect he's saying something that means "zoe", such as "yo-yo". he's into EVERYTHING. all of the drawers and cabinets in the house have been cleared out as much as possible. he loves his soccer balls and kicks them around the house all the time. he loves bike rides. and he just wants to be outside all. of. the. time.

we had a party for him on saturday. my brother and sister in law's anniversary was on sunday, so, we went indoor skydiving on sunday to just celebrate it all at once. seriously, that was the most fun i've had in a long time. today, i'm sore. dunno why, but my arm pits are killing me. i guess it's the skydiving position or something. anyway, i will definitely do it again.

while we were all getting dressed for the skydiving, poor holden fell and hit the side of his face - his cheek bone - on a metal bench. he now has a horrible bruise on his right cheek. just in time for his first birthday pictures. can't wait to get going on that scrapbook page.

so, here's to another year of bliss!! happy birthday baby boy!


Am I Crazy?

I think I may be. Crazy, that is. For 3 nights in a row, I've laid in bed and had thoughts of having another baby. Holden will be a year old on Monday, April 10th. Zoe will be 7 this year. Maybe it's because I'll be 36 this year, and I know that I'm at, or close to, the "now or never" stage. Sure, women are having kids well into their 40's and even 50's these days. But, that's just not for me.

I can't help but think about how difficult my 2 pregnancies were. It took 23 hours of labor for Zoe to arrive. She developed asthma pretty much from day 1, and spent at least a month total in the hospital in the first 2 years of her life. Not to mention, most of that time, I was a single parent. So, basically - NO sleep until she was at least 3, and until Dietrich came into our lives to help with her. With Holden, I developed gestational diabetes and eventually had to give myself 2 shots of insulin a day to try and control it. Still didn't work, my sugars were out of control - even with the diet and insulin injections. I counted down the seconds until the c-section so that it would be over. He was born with bi-lateral kidney reflux, which isn't too much of a big deal. Except for during routine tests, we recently found out that he has an obstruction in his left kidney that will more than likely require surgery over the next few months. I can't even stand the thought of him going through major surgery like that. The lack of sleep over the past 7 years of my life has been, well, not easy.

But, although it hasn't been easy, being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done. I love it. I'm in a position where I can stay home with Holden. I can take Zoe to school in the mornings, pick her up in the afternoons, and actually spend time with my kids. Watching them grow has given me more happiness than anything else in my life. Another question I ask myself is: if we had another baby, would I still be in the position financially to stay home with the kids? Another thing to think about.

So, even with all of the reasons why NOT to have another baby; I look at the 2 I have and wonder why in the world I wouldn't want just 1 more. At the same time, I look at the 2 wonderful children I'm blessed with, and know I should just be thankful that I have them (which I am!), since a lot of people aren't able to experience being a parent for many different reasons.

As you can see, I'm confused.

I think I may be crazy.


Things to ponder ...

So, watching Dateline NBC tonight (it was actually on last night, thank god for DVR) made me really think. It was a story about Michael Shiavo. For those of you who don't live in Florida and haven't been bombarded by this story (I'm sure there are very few of you), this week marks the 1 year anniversary of Terry Shiavo's death. I've always been on the fence when it comes to this story. Husband says she didn't want to live in a "persistent vegetative state". Parents say that she was improving. The 2 families fought for YEARS. All the while, the husband became engaged to another woman and had 2 children with her. Here's the thing that disturbs me about this. He writes a book that's coming out this week. So he decides to do his first ever television interview ... NOW. At the time of the book release. He cried. He said in his last minute with her before she basically starved to death - that he held her as he did the night/morning she collapsed 15 years ago and told her he loved her, and she died. Another thing that really got me about the interview though - in his defense - Matt Lauer just couldn't believe that a 22 yr old would say to her husband on a train ride "honey, I never want to be a burden and live that way". They were discussing her Uncle, who apparently was severely disabled. In his defense, I know I've said that to my husband before. I really don't know if I've ever said it to my parents ... but I know I've said it to my husband. So, question is...how many of us have a living will? I don't. I need one. Cause I would choose to leave this world if I had to live in that kind of 'state' for the rest of my life. And, would want my husband to have as normal life as possible.

Other headlines:
The ministers wife who shot him with a shotgun. Huh? Everyone says "but, they had the perfect marriage". Well, apparently not! Theories include post-pardem depression. Her youngest is 1. Who knows why she did it, but, as a woman, I sometimes wonder if more excuses are made when a woman kills her husband, vs. a man who kills his wife. She must have been beaten. Or, he must have been emotionally abusive. Why? Can't she just be sick, etc?

Natalle Holloway. How long will it take to find out what REALLY happened to this girl? I saw an interview on 48 hours mystery tonight with her mom. Apparently there's "new" evidence in the case that suggests maybe she was burried two different times. Her body was moved to conceal evidence. Ya think? Anyway, they asked her mom "What gives you hope at this point?" Her response ... "Nothing, I have no hope now." I can't imagine my daughter being gone and not knowing what happened to her, or where she is. Her mom says she knows what happened, but no one's telling the truth. Makes me wonder ... do we have a crazy maternal instinct that could possibly tell us in some what what happens to our children when they turn up missing? Do we just instinctively "know"? It broke my heart to hear her say "I have no hope now." Just can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

Anyway. These are things I've been thinking about tonight.


Musical Beds

Apparently, it's a new 'game' we play at our house. Or, at least we were all playing last night. It goes a little something like this:

At 7pm last night, I rocked Holden to sleep. Normal? Yes. He went down in his bed. Meanwhile in our bedroom, Zoe laid (and eventually fell asleep) on our bed while Dietrich played a computer game. She likes watching him play. Still pretty normal. At 10pm, Dietrich carries Zoe to her bed. 10:30pm, I'm exhausted. I go to bed, with Dietrich, in our bed. 11:30pm - Dietrich can't sleep, so he decides to go sleep on the spare bed in Holden's room. At which time, Holden decides he wants to wake up and scream until I put him in bed with me. I do. 1.5 hours later, Holden wets his diaper to the point that he needs his clothes changed (and the diaper, of course). So, I get up, take care of that, and go back to bed. In hopes of finally sleeping. 2am - Zoe wakes me up because she's not feeling well and can't sleep. She's wheezing, so I get up, give her 2 puffs of her 'puffer', and put her back to bed (her bed). 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - STILL can't sleep. So, I put her on the couch to see if she can finally get comfortable enough to sleep. 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - can't sleep. Scared cause it's dark in the living room. SO, I pick up Holden and put him back in his bed, so that she'll have room in MY bed. She gets in bed with me. At which time, I lay there for an hour trying to fall asleep and figure out if I've even been asleep yet. At 3:45am, Bella (the dog) decides she'd now like to sleep in my bed, instead of the spare bed with Dietrich. So, she wakes me up trying to get comfortable next to me. At 5am, I lay there, eyes wide open. I decided to just get up and started doing a bit of research online about asthma and allergies. Trying to find a remedy for Zoe's sleepless-ness due to coughing, wheezing, etc. Amazed that Holden is still actually asleep, at 6am I get back in bed with Zoe to try and get an hour sleep before I have to wake her up and get her ready for school. At 6:05am, Holden cries. I go get him.

And there you have it, folks. Eventually, I woke Zoe up for school. Dietrich woke up for work. We started our day, and we're still going. I don't know how, but I'm still going.

So, I'm thinking we should apply for a patent for our new 'game' - Musical Beds. Afterall, we're experts at it. If we can talk the olympic committee into recognizing it as a sport, we would all hold gold medals! I figure if curling can be an olympic sport, why can't musical beds?


Saturday morning

It's Saturday morning. Holden's eating. Doesn't he look tired? He should.

I love standing in the kitchen in the morning and being able to look over and see the lake across the street. It's the only place in the house that we have this view. It's perfect.

Meanwhile, back inside - Zoe's sleeping. In our bed. When Holden woke me up early this morning, she came in and asked if she could lay in our bed. Sure. Why not? Dietrich's sleeping in Holden's room (not in the crib, there's a bed in there, too) because he was up late last night and I'm obviously not going back to sleep. So, sure honey.

Even Bella's sleeping. I woke her up. Just because.

She's yawning:

And I. I am drinking coffee and eating pumpernickel toast. Just waiting patiently for naptime.


Calgon, take me away.

I haven't posted much in the past few weeks. Because I haven't had any time to pee, much less post on here.

Holden's teething. He's been trying to cut a top tooth for 2 weeks now. It's there, I see it, but it refuses to come through. He's miserable. He's not sleeping. He's up 2-3 times a night, and then up between 5:30-6:30am for good. His naps are almost non-existent. He'll sleep for 20-30 minutes, max. How the kid can keep going with his sleep pattern so jacked up is beyond me. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm still going.

My first semester of school wraps up this week. It's an online master's program. So, I have 3 final papers due. Tonight. Maybe I procrastinated just a bit, seeing as these particular papers could/should have been worked on all throughout the courses . Ooops. Leave it to me to put unnecessary stress on myself.

I'm also working on a project for a client that I told them I could have done by Feb 3rd. Ummm...today is Feb 1st, and it's maybe 65% complete. But, I can't worry about that ... cause I have 3 papers to write. Dilemma.

Zoe started Karate lessons last Saturday. She loves it. And she's now met a kid next door (finally), so she's able to play outside in the afternoons to release a bit of energy. I think she's going through a growth spurt or something, cause, guess what??? SHE'S NOT SLEEPING, EITHER. Nightmares, tummy aches, headaches - every night.

In conclusion, between Holden's sleepless nights (and days), and Zoe's sleepless nights, I am hanging on by a thread. Poor Dietrich. He's busting his ass, working and trying to get through his first semester of his Ph.D. program, and all I'm doing is bitching. Lord.

P.S. If this post makes no sense, don't hold it against me. MAMA NEEDS SLEEP.


So, it was parents night out ...

My mom came over Saturday to watch the kids so that Dietrich and I could spend some "quality" time together since he's been traveling so much lately. So, we got dressed and decided we would go to TGIF's for a few drinks.

3 martinis (each) later, we were headed home. Our "date" lasted approximately 2 hours. And that's probably a bit exaggerated. Why? We kept looking around the bar and realized that: 1.) we are SO thankful that we're not single, 2.) we actually thought (and talked) about the kids, and 3.) we were spending money on martinis when we had the necessary beverages to make them at home.

Funny. 10 years ago, we would've both been out till 2am at the earliest. Now, we're lucky if we can stay up till 10pm.

Rounding out the weekend, I went to scrapbook on Sunday and Dietrich took the kids to Downtown Disney just for the heck of it. Here's the highlight for Zoe: facepainting. She cried when I made her wash it off.


Raising a boy vs. raising a girl

For some reason, I thought all babies were created equal (or at least close) up until a certain age when they all change and develop their own personalities, etc.

I'm here to tell you that that's SO not true. At least in my household. Already having Zoe and going through her 'baby' phase 6 years ago, I thought I would be prepared to do it all over again. But, with Holden, it's all soooooooo very different.

He's 9 months old now and lemme tell you. ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. Yes, Zoe was curious and wondered and I had to chase her around. But, not like Holden. He is a little terror!! A cute one, but still. He has to get into everything. He has to know what everyone's doing. He has to know what's in every cabinet in the house.

He has to know what's on every table in the house. He has to know what the dog food taste like at least once a day. Oh, and the poor kid has fallen and hit his head so many times. Does he cry? No. He gets back up and does the same thing. I never knew how rough and tough he would be! (Zoe was so not like that as a baby). It's just amazing to me that they are so incredibly different, even as babies.

I never remember needing a baby gate to keep Zoe out of somewhere, or in somewhere else. But, folks, we are in some serious need of a few baby gates in this house. And, with him taking 2-3 steps by himself - I have a feeling the walking is just around the corner. Scary.

There's no reason to go to the gym, I'm chasing him all day long so my exercise is happening without trying. Aren't I lucky?


Yes, sometimes we need a HEATER in Florida

It's rare, but, we do need the heater in Florida sometimes. Of course, I woke up this morning and the heater wasn't working. What the? It's not like it's over-used or anything. Tonight, we're getting down into the 30's (which, I know, to you Northerners, that's not too bad, right?!), which is pretty damn cold for Florida.

I have to call the landlord today. It's Saturday, what are the chances they can get someone out here today? Probably slim and none. Which means we'll all be bundled up so the kids don't get sick (again).

In other news ... Dietrich got stuck in Atlanta last night. He missed his connecting flight because his original flight out of VA was almost 2 hours late taking off. There were no other flights out last night once he got there. So, he's on the 7am flight this morning - home. So, instead of working and traveling Tues - Fri, this week, he's even had to travel on his weekend and doesn't even get paid for it. How is that fair?

The weekend is not off to a good start as of yet.


School Shootings

I had a brief, mild panic attack this morning. I was napping with Holden and suddenly heard on the TV that a school in Longwood was under lockdown and there had been a shooting. Seeing as Zoe is a 1st grader at a school in Longwood, that was the reason for my mild panic attack. After rushing to turn up the TV, I found out that it was a middle school, and not her school (THANK GOD). But, still. I guess I never really thought I'd have to deal with the chance that she could be in danger while in school, at least not until she was in high school. Which is obviously not true. This kid with a gun was 15 yrs old - in middle school. Took the gun to school in his backpack.

I had to force myself not to go pick Zoe up from school early anyway. For a brief moment, I just wanted both kids home with me...where I know they're safe. Uggggg. Being a parent is hard.

This country is going to hell in a handbasket.


Holden's New Adventures

So, I've noticed a few new things today.

1.) He's actually playing with Bella. Somehow he knows that he's not supposed to actually let go of her toy, so he's started teasing her with it, and then laughing so hard that he drops the toy and Bella runs off with it anyway. Then he does it again, and again, and again - as evidenced here:

2.) He found the wine cabinet. And, can now open it. Note to self: do not store wine bottles in the wine cabinet until we get some of those child-proof cabinet opener things.

3.) When Zoe's home, he apparently HAS to be in the same room with her or he gets all kinds of pissed off. We have to gate him out of her room now.

4.) He took 2 steps today, without help!

Whoda Thunk...

I'd be joining the world of the blogging. Well, I figure this is a place I can come and share with those of you who care - what's going on with ... Rhonda, Dietrich, Zoe (6yrs old), Holden (9 months old) & Bella (1 yr old Italian Greyhound).

And what's going on today? Dietrich's traveling for work ... again. He hates it. I hate it. We all hate it. But, hey, we keep telling ourselves to be thankful that he has work. Although, it sure will be nice when he has something local.

So, I'm home (as I am everyday with Holden) waiting to pick up Zoe from school. Sitting here, I realize we have MAJOR BABY-PROOFING to do in this house. Holden's not walking, yet. But he's damn close. And, he's pulling up on everything. And, everything that he can reach is ending up on the floor. Candles, lamps, movies, etc. etc. etc.

Oh, and he's now figured out how to open the fireplace. Not that we use it, in Florida. But, still. Those little fingers could get crushed in there.

So, yeah, baby-proofing this weekend. For sure.