Am I Crazy?

I think I may be. Crazy, that is. For 3 nights in a row, I've laid in bed and had thoughts of having another baby. Holden will be a year old on Monday, April 10th. Zoe will be 7 this year. Maybe it's because I'll be 36 this year, and I know that I'm at, or close to, the "now or never" stage. Sure, women are having kids well into their 40's and even 50's these days. But, that's just not for me.

I can't help but think about how difficult my 2 pregnancies were. It took 23 hours of labor for Zoe to arrive. She developed asthma pretty much from day 1, and spent at least a month total in the hospital in the first 2 years of her life. Not to mention, most of that time, I was a single parent. So, basically - NO sleep until she was at least 3, and until Dietrich came into our lives to help with her. With Holden, I developed gestational diabetes and eventually had to give myself 2 shots of insulin a day to try and control it. Still didn't work, my sugars were out of control - even with the diet and insulin injections. I counted down the seconds until the c-section so that it would be over. He was born with bi-lateral kidney reflux, which isn't too much of a big deal. Except for during routine tests, we recently found out that he has an obstruction in his left kidney that will more than likely require surgery over the next few months. I can't even stand the thought of him going through major surgery like that. The lack of sleep over the past 7 years of my life has been, well, not easy.

But, although it hasn't been easy, being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done. I love it. I'm in a position where I can stay home with Holden. I can take Zoe to school in the mornings, pick her up in the afternoons, and actually spend time with my kids. Watching them grow has given me more happiness than anything else in my life. Another question I ask myself is: if we had another baby, would I still be in the position financially to stay home with the kids? Another thing to think about.

So, even with all of the reasons why NOT to have another baby; I look at the 2 I have and wonder why in the world I wouldn't want just 1 more. At the same time, I look at the 2 wonderful children I'm blessed with, and know I should just be thankful that I have them (which I am!), since a lot of people aren't able to experience being a parent for many different reasons.

As you can see, I'm confused.

I think I may be crazy.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

You're not crazy. We're ALL crazy. It's like our desire for sex for sex's sake, once we start having kids, becomes a desire for sex for kids. It's extremely weird and biological and even if you know, really, you're done, sometimes your brain/body is like, ONE MORE TIME.

At least, that's my theory.