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I Love You

I've been waiting sooooo long to hear "I Love You" from Holden, unprompted. He'll say it, if we say..."Say I love you". Or, if we say "I love you", we'll get echolalia and he'll repeat.

Today, I made him come to me and I told him I wanted a hug. So he threw his arms around my neck. While I was hugging him, he said "I tuh you". My response? "I tuh you too!"

I love that kid.

They're Autistic -- and They're in Love

click on the title of the post - it's worth reading, when you have time.

vaccines didn't cause autism - or so they say, yet again

Click on the title to link to the CNN story.

This burns me. Someone on CNN made a comment about the story and it's so true. Just like he said ... Pharm companies will always win when it comes to these battles. Because, you can't fight the system with the system. They'll win everytime.

For those of us who live "autism" everyday, we know there's a reason our TYPICAL child regressed after being sick immediately following a set of vaccines. It's just that simple. There are millions of us. Yet, they still refuse to listen. Instead, they post stories like this because (hopefully) the pharm companies are finally taking a hit because people are choosing not to vaccinate. Look at the billboards - they're all over the place. Commercials about vaccinating your babies. You wouldn't have seen these, not even a year ago. So, at least we're making an impact as parents of children affected by vaccines. As Jenny says ... STUDY OUR KIDS. Test kids to make sure they can tolerate the vaccines. It seems so simple, yet they refuse, and instead, publish stories like this so that we all look crazy.

Me = pissed.

hopes, dreams & wishes

When I pick Holden up from school, they bring him (and other kids in his class) out before the chaos of the actual dismissal bell. So, I usually pull up around 2:30pm, and they bring him out around 2:55pm. Normally, Jackson sleeps while we sit and wait. There's either a middle school or high school in the area as well, and everyday, I watch kids walk by - walking home from school. They're older. Probably in the age range of 12-16 or so. Typically, it's the same kids, sometimes they're different. Today, I realized that I do the same thing each time I see them. I watched one boy, probably 14, 15 years old today, and thought to myself ... God, I pray Holden will be able to do that. I pray he'll walk home from school like other "normal" kids. I hope he'll be independent and be a "typical" teenager. I watched as this kid listened to his iPod, with his backpack on, and typical teenager jeans and tennis shoes. I wondered if he were going home to do homework? Was he going home to get online and talk to his friends? Was he going home to help out around the house (yeah right!)? What was a typical afternoon for him? And I thought, and wondered...does his mother have any idea how incredibly lucky she is that she has healthy (I'm guessing), typical children?

I have to say that I feel a little guilty for thinking these thoughts. I think it's because I've had people tell me that I should love Holden "just the way he is", and not "try to change him to be something he's not". To "accept him!".

My response to those people who think that is I DO love him just the way he is. I love him, unconditionally. How could I not? He's my child. However, I refuse to believe that my little boy is the same inside as he is on the outside. Before he regressed, he was there. The light was on. His eyes sparkled. He laughed. He smiled. His eyes lit up when he saw us come through the door after a day out. He loved his sister. He loved our dog. He played with them both. He tried to communicate.

After he regressed, it all went away. No eye contact. No happiness. No interaction. No hugs. No sparkle in his eyes. Nothing.

I know that my son is still in that little body and mind and soul. I know that the sparkle is there, the love, the hugs, kisses, interaction and sense of humor. So, I refuse to "accept him" the way he is. I will fight to get him back until I do. In the meantime, I appreciate so much, his little triumphs and accomplishments. I savor the hugs (although not often), the kisses. And, I hope, dream, and wish for his recovery, and for the day I can watch him walking home from school with his iPod, backpack, and know that he's going home to be a "typical" teenager.

holden's "report card" / iep update

Instead of a "report card", Holden receives an IEP update every 9 weeks. Here it is, in a nutshell:

Goal: Holden will master the skills needed to effectively communicate.
Comments: Holden can independently mand for juice, movie, cookie, raisin, bubbles and beads using sign language and vocal approximation. We require him to sign because his vocal approximations are not clear enough for his teacher to understand what he is asking for. His prompted mands are chips, candy, pins, beads, fish and cake. He has mastered "mama" from the Kaufman Speech Praxis and is working on 3 more words. He is also working on increasing his vocal approximations of mands "movie", "candy", "cookie", and "juice". He is a star at motor imitation having mastered 9 objectives this nine weeks.

Goal: Holden will improve fine and/or gross motor skills.
Comments: Holden has done exceptionally well climbing up and down the step stool to wash his hands and rinse his toothbrush. He is already learning now to pinch the clothespins to get them on the cup and should master this objective in the next nine weeks. Holden can string 5 beads on a string and we will now work on stringing smaller beads on thinner string.

Goal: Holden will improve cognitive skills.
Comments: Holden is very compliant now, he occasionally will tantrum when asked to sit down or blocked from doing his "stimmy circles", but that is no more than 2-3 times a week. Holden has mastered matching 3 items in a field of 3 and is working on several more objectives. Holden responds appropriately when told to "come here", "get a chair", "put away your toy", and "line up at the door" with minimal prompting.

Goal: Holden will improve personal-social skills.
Comments: Holden sits for the entire circle time with minimal reinforcement and participates in at least 50% of the songs and fingerplays. He sits at the table and tolerates playing alongside the other students. He will occasionally become interested in a toy another child is playing with and touch it or move it, but if offered his own toy, will not tantrum to get it.

Goal: Holden will improve daily living skills.
Comments: Holden has made great progress with the backpack routine. He comes in the room, takes his backpack off, attempts to hang it on the hook (he is offered little assistance), unzips with help and then takes out his lunch box and walks it over to the shelf where it goes. Will will start potty training the next 9 weeks.