It's been almost a month since I've updated. And then, it wasn't really an update; but more of a rant about the numbers of Autism that had been published by a new study. Everytime I see something like that, and it seems to "shock" people - it's extremely irritating to me. Because, DUH, we know. Those of us who live it, breathe it, and dream it ... already know the numbers. We already know how many lives are affected. It's everyone else who has to catch up.

I was dropping Holden off at school today and I realized to myself that I think the same thing every morning. As he's getting out of the car and his therapist makes him say "bye, mom" - I think to myself how I would do anything to make things easier for him. I would give up everything that makes me happy, if he could be a "typical" 4 year old and not have to work SO hard at absolutely everything he does. That's the part that seems so unfair. He's been "working" non-stop since he was 2 years old. All because learning doesn't come naturally, all because he was chosen, for whatever reason, to be an example of what Autism really is.

He continues to make progress, and every once in a while, I get a slight glimpse of what he would be like if he didn't have Autism. He's done a few things that seem so "typical", I guess you could say. I can't help but want so much more for him though. I celebrate the small things, such as him getting excited when he's playing with a toy and saying "OH MAN!" as he plays, or him handing another kid a toy and saying "here you go", or his eyes looking into mine and him smiling. Simple, everyday things that kids just instinctively DO. Simple things that are so hard for him to just learn how to do.

I was reading something another mom wrote, where her son with Autism asked her "Mom, will I get married one day?", and something in my heart ached. I've often wondered the same. Holden's future is so uncertain, and I've tried to learn to live one day at a time; but sometimes, I can't help but wonder what his future will be like. Will he have friends? Will he go on dates? Will he have a girlfriend? Go to college? Work? Will he be happy? I hope, hope, hope that the answer is "yes".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I dream your dream every single day... my son is just a few months younger than Holden and we only got diagnosis in July 2009... my thread of hope is just beginning... my efforts with our DAN and supplements and anti-fungals are all just new... Your blog has been the articulated co-thread of my thoughts and my anger and my unwillingness to let autism have my son forever... but I ache to hear his voice, to hear his thoughts, to know HIS dreams... I told my husband the other night that I wish every person could have one "do over" in life - one instant that they could retract or change - I know what I would "undo", but would I have wasted my "do over" before autism came? Probably... so I can only wish for recovery... I can only wish for my own dream to come true... just like you... Thank you for sharing your journey... I needed a travel parnter!