4.10.2007
4.02.2007
the kids
I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow. This pregnancy is flying by. I guess because I'm so busy with everything else. I'm feeling a little more movement than I was last week. So, although he's not as active as Holden was ... he's giving me a few kicks here and there to let me know he's still in there!
Holden starts week 4 of therapy this week. He's doing well with the therapy, but I can't help but feel helpless on the days when he doesn't have thearpy. Like I should be doing so much more than I am, but don't know how. My best friend lives in CA and she put me in touch with a friend of hers whose son was diagnosed a few years ago. He's now 6. I spoke to her last night on the phone and she gave me some valuable information about the biomedical approach to autism. Her son has never received therapy (ABA, Speech, OT, etc.). He's doing great now and she explained in detail things like supplements, chelation therapy, etc. I've contacted a DAN doctor in Tampa and we're just waiting to save the money for an initial consultation. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help my son. In the meantime, we'll continue with the therapy and hope for the best.
Zoe went to spend the night with her grandmother on Saturday night. She took her to an Easter program that was, apparently, pretty graphic. She enjoyed it. However, now she's "scared of the devil". We had conversation after conversation about this yesterday and just when you think she's okay ... she's not. She won't walk into another room without one of us. She won't sleep in a room without one of us. Even with the TV on, lights on, and dog with her. It sounds silly, but she is genuinely scared. Like, shaking scared. I feel for her, but really don't know what to do at this point. My husband says she has to face her fears and be alone in a room so that she can see that nothing is going to "happen" to her. I know he's probably right, but I can't leave her when she's so frightened. It sucks. No more church programs for her - at least not until she's older!
Oh, and since April is National Autism Awareness month, my sister-in-law bought me a bracelet with an Autism ribbon and a heart that says "together, we can make a difference".
Holden starts week 4 of therapy this week. He's doing well with the therapy, but I can't help but feel helpless on the days when he doesn't have thearpy. Like I should be doing so much more than I am, but don't know how. My best friend lives in CA and she put me in touch with a friend of hers whose son was diagnosed a few years ago. He's now 6. I spoke to her last night on the phone and she gave me some valuable information about the biomedical approach to autism. Her son has never received therapy (ABA, Speech, OT, etc.). He's doing great now and she explained in detail things like supplements, chelation therapy, etc. I've contacted a DAN doctor in Tampa and we're just waiting to save the money for an initial consultation. I'm willing to do whatever I can to help my son. In the meantime, we'll continue with the therapy and hope for the best.
Zoe went to spend the night with her grandmother on Saturday night. She took her to an Easter program that was, apparently, pretty graphic. She enjoyed it. However, now she's "scared of the devil". We had conversation after conversation about this yesterday and just when you think she's okay ... she's not. She won't walk into another room without one of us. She won't sleep in a room without one of us. Even with the TV on, lights on, and dog with her. It sounds silly, but she is genuinely scared. Like, shaking scared. I feel for her, but really don't know what to do at this point. My husband says she has to face her fears and be alone in a room so that she can see that nothing is going to "happen" to her. I know he's probably right, but I can't leave her when she's so frightened. It sucks. No more church programs for her - at least not until she's older!
Oh, and since April is National Autism Awareness month, my sister-in-law bought me a bracelet with an Autism ribbon and a heart that says "together, we can make a difference".
3.28.2007
i don't know
I don't know if the little "fits" that Holden's throwing are normal, everyday, typical toddler "fits". Or are they due to the autistic behaviors? He'll be 2 in 2.5 weeks. So, one should expect that he would start doing toddler things, right? Like tantrums, for instance. But, how do I know if it's normal behavior, or if it's because he's resistent to change or he's over stimulated? Today we went to the park. Before we left the house, I turned off his Baby Einstein video and he cried. Cried in the car for about 30 seconds, and by the time we were out of the driveway, he was fine. We went to the park and I let him swing for about 15-20 minutes at which time he looked and smiled at his sister and another little girl who were swinging next to him. I swore I even heard him say "issy" for sissy. But, I don't know for sure. I take him and let him walk around a little, where he ignored the kids, and walked through the rocks and mulch. After about 5 minutes, I told him we had to go. I picked him up and he started squirming - trying to get down. Then came the crying (as he could see we were walking towards the car), and the screaming. Crying and screaming when I put him in the carseat. And once we were out of the driveway of the park, he was done. I wondered all the way home if this was just a normal toddler meltdown, or if it's part of his autistic behaviors. I DON'T KNOW and it's frustrating as all hell.
3.26.2007
Optimism, even just for today.
We went to OT this morning. When we sat down, the therapist said she wanted to talk to me. I cringed at first because I had no idea what she wanted to "talk" about.
She told me that she and Beth (Holden's Speech therapist) had talked about him and his progress. She said they were both in agreement that his progress had been wonderful, seeing as he'd only had 4 sessions each. They say he's interacting a lot more with them than they thought. She said she realizes that Holden came in for the evaluations and therapy, due to the diagnosis (although not official, obviously) of "autistic tendencies / behaviors", but she said they really think he will "beat this diagnosis". She said she thinks they are going to be able to "get him out of it". She was quick to say that it's clear he has sensory problems and that's something that will need to be worked on at home and therapy. And he obviously does still have autistic behaviors, but she's optimistic in thinking that he can overcome this and eventually be mainstreamed into school, etc.
I know I can't read too much into this good news. Because I know that realistically, our son needs a lot more therapy and it's a long term thing. BUT, I've noticed improvements in his behaviors (eye contact, interacting with his sister more, showing emotions (kissing me/hugging me), socializing with me) over the past 3-4 weeks. He's made a lot of progress, compared to where we were when we started this whole thing over a month and a half ago. So it was good to hear that someone else (a professional) acknowledges his progress, too.
So, for today, I am happy. I am optimistic. Everyone says ... take one day at a time. Well, I'm doing that, and today I'm going to be happy and optimistic about Holden's therapy and progress. Tomorrow may be different.
She told me that she and Beth (Holden's Speech therapist) had talked about him and his progress. She said they were both in agreement that his progress had been wonderful, seeing as he'd only had 4 sessions each. They say he's interacting a lot more with them than they thought. She said she realizes that Holden came in for the evaluations and therapy, due to the diagnosis (although not official, obviously) of "autistic tendencies / behaviors", but she said they really think he will "beat this diagnosis". She said she thinks they are going to be able to "get him out of it". She was quick to say that it's clear he has sensory problems and that's something that will need to be worked on at home and therapy. And he obviously does still have autistic behaviors, but she's optimistic in thinking that he can overcome this and eventually be mainstreamed into school, etc.
I know I can't read too much into this good news. Because I know that realistically, our son needs a lot more therapy and it's a long term thing. BUT, I've noticed improvements in his behaviors (eye contact, interacting with his sister more, showing emotions (kissing me/hugging me), socializing with me) over the past 3-4 weeks. He's made a lot of progress, compared to where we were when we started this whole thing over a month and a half ago. So it was good to hear that someone else (a professional) acknowledges his progress, too.
So, for today, I am happy. I am optimistic. Everyone says ... take one day at a time. Well, I'm doing that, and today I'm going to be happy and optimistic about Holden's therapy and progress. Tomorrow may be different.
3.22.2007
Note to self: stop watching TV and reading on the internet
Last night my mom called to let me know that Larry King Live's show was on Autism. I had missed the first 40 minutes of the show; but I turned it on anyway. I saw they were going to replay the show at midnight, so I taped it. After watching that last 20 minutes of it though, I realized that maybe I shouldn't have. Today, I toyed with the idea of hitting the play button on the remote when I passed by it on the list of shows to watch. Finally this evening, while I was rocking Holden to sleep, I hit play. I wish I wouldn't have.
Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?
She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.
So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.
Last night before bed, I emailed an internet friend of mine who also has a son with autism. I rambled on and on about how some days are really good and I'm really positive and so upbeat and just think that nothing can stop us! How Holden's therapy is going well and I need to focus on making him better. But then ... BOOM!, out of nowhere it hits again. The helpless feelings. The depression. The knot in my stomach that reminds me of that feeling I had about a month ago when I didn't eat a full meal for 2 solid weeks. I get that same overwhelming feeling of anxiety all over again. How does that happen?
She emailed me back this morning and I couldn't thank her enough. She said all the right things. She explained things in a way that makes me hope that someday (soon), I can be where she is with all of this. I can be on a mission to help my son, and live in the present and not worry so much about the future. When she explained the reason why shows are geared towards the more depressing and somber side of autism, it made complete sense. They have to. In order to keep the awareness and to keep people listening to this terrible disorder that's affecting so many of our kids, they have to tell the stories that tug at your heart. Because, if they told the stories about how some children respond well to therapy and even eventually end up leading fulfilling adult lives - then why would people donate millions of dollars to research? They wouldn't. It wouldn't be important enough because people aren't "dying" of a disease. She said it much more eloquently than that though.
So, I've read her email 3 times today. And I emailed her back and told her how I so desperately wish I would hurry up and get to the point where she is in my own journey.
Late, but worth it.
I'm posting this late - our anniversary was 2 weeks ago. This is what my husband wrote in the card he gave me:
Rhonda,
It's been hard the past few months and it will get a little more difficult because we are going to start expecting results; if those results aren't to our liking, or aren't fast enough, we'll get upset or frustrated or both. Holden is lucky, I don't know what he would do without you. I don't know what any of us would do.
I know you think you're weak, or that you have been weak with this whole thing with Holden, but you're strong. Stronger than I could be. I couldn't handle the day in, day out like you do. I don't know how you have managed as well as you have, especially being pregnant.
You make so much possible for me and our children. They don't make your life, but your life makes them and they, or we, are lucky.
Happy 2 years,
Me.
He's an angel.
Rhonda,
It's been hard the past few months and it will get a little more difficult because we are going to start expecting results; if those results aren't to our liking, or aren't fast enough, we'll get upset or frustrated or both. Holden is lucky, I don't know what he would do without you. I don't know what any of us would do.
I know you think you're weak, or that you have been weak with this whole thing with Holden, but you're strong. Stronger than I could be. I couldn't handle the day in, day out like you do. I don't know how you have managed as well as you have, especially being pregnant.
You make so much possible for me and our children. They don't make your life, but your life makes them and they, or we, are lucky.
Happy 2 years,
Me.
He's an angel.
3.21.2007
Progress.
Holden started his 3rd week (I think, or maybe it's his 2nd full week) of OT and Speech this week. We had a dual session yesterday - where the ST and OT basically "gang" up on him. Do both OT and Speech in the same session; to try and keep him focused. It helps. He enjoys OT the best simply because he gets to swing. I guess i'ts calming to him. Anyway, both therapists told me that they couldn't believe how much he's opened up in such a short period of time. His eye contact improves daily. His play skills (puzzles, shape toys, magnadoodle, etc.) are getting much better. Meaning, that instead of just lining up the coins that go into the singing piggybank, he actually puts them IN the piggybank. He knows what to do with some toys that he didn't know what to do with before. He's communicating with us by bringing things to us now. He never used to do that. I would always have to guess and look for his sippy cup to see if it was empty, etc. Now, he'll come to me, take my hand and shake his sippy cup (empty) and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to watch a baby einstein video, he'll bring me the remote, take my hand and put it in my hand. Or, if he wants to be held, he'll take our hands and put them under his arms to be picked up. It's good. But, he's not trying to sound out the words like he used to. I talked to the ST about this and she said that we still need to encourage him to make sounds. Especially if it's sounds that we've heard him make before. But to be careful not to push him into a point of frustration where he shuts down. So I'm working on that at home with him. At least, as she said, he's trying to communicate with us and he realizes that he gets something when he lets us know he wants it. I may talk to them tomorrow at the next session to discuss using PECS since he's bringing things to us now. Although it may still be too early. Oh, and he just reminded me - he's laughing at things on the videos now. If animals are being silly, he'll laugh. If we clap for him - for doing something good - he'll smile. He's realizing emotions which is great. He's flipping through a book now. Not really looking at the pictures yet, but he's much more interested, since the ST is reading to him a lot in the sessions. I'm also reading to him a lot at home. At least 2-3 times a day. We read Eric Carle books, which she said are great, because the words are repetitious. I'm so glad I started him in therapy now. At least I feel like I'm doing something to help him and improve his little world.
I'm 18w1d. Baby is growing and is about 1/2 a pound now, according to the last ultrasound. In 3 weeks, I have to go back for another ultrasound and to have an EKG on the baby's heart. Doc says it's "standard procedure" when diabetes are involved. I hope he's being honest. Oh, and all prenatal labs came back negative, which is good. Pap was negative. So, things are moving right along. Still haven't felt a lot of movement, which is strange to me. With Holden, I felt it VERY early on - like it was constant enough that at 17 weeks when I didn't feel anything for a few days, I panicked and went in for an appointment to hear the heartbeat. I've felt this little guy, but not often. Maybe once a day and it's very very slight. I'm wondering if it's just that my mind is so preoccupied with Holden and Zoe and other things that I'm just not paying attention? Maybe.
Zoe's doing so good in school. Honor roll. Yes, our kid made the honor roll on her last report card. So, so proud of her. So much so that she earned herself a Nintendo DS. She's such an awesome kid.
I'm 18w1d. Baby is growing and is about 1/2 a pound now, according to the last ultrasound. In 3 weeks, I have to go back for another ultrasound and to have an EKG on the baby's heart. Doc says it's "standard procedure" when diabetes are involved. I hope he's being honest. Oh, and all prenatal labs came back negative, which is good. Pap was negative. So, things are moving right along. Still haven't felt a lot of movement, which is strange to me. With Holden, I felt it VERY early on - like it was constant enough that at 17 weeks when I didn't feel anything for a few days, I panicked and went in for an appointment to hear the heartbeat. I've felt this little guy, but not often. Maybe once a day and it's very very slight. I'm wondering if it's just that my mind is so preoccupied with Holden and Zoe and other things that I'm just not paying attention? Maybe.
Zoe's doing so good in school. Honor roll. Yes, our kid made the honor roll on her last report card. So, so proud of her. So much so that she earned herself a Nintendo DS. She's such an awesome kid.
3.15.2007
my goodness, i could go for a BIG glass of wine
So I'm 17 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I had an appointment with the high-risk doctor. Ultrasound looked good. He came in and started looking at the baby's heart. Slow motion. Look again. Slow motion. You get the picture. He told me that in 4 weeks when I come back, they'll do another US and an EKG on the baby. I asked him if that was a "normal" test they did and he said that with diabetes being involved - yes. They do an EKG around 20-24 weeks on the baby's heart just to make sure everything's fine. I'm going to trust this guy and try not to give it a second thought, other than it's just normal procedure. Cletus is measuring right on track (17 weeks) and is about 1/2 a pound now. I've lost a total of 11 lbs since 8 weeks pregnant, and he didn't seem concerned, so I'm not going to be, either.
Last weekend, we all had the flu. All. Of. Us. All 4 of us. Stuck in this house together, puking and shitting our brains out. I'm not kidding when I say I was puking every 30 minutes for the first 4-5 hours, and shitting in between. Try doing that AND taking care of 2 kids who have the same thing. Not fun. We all slept out in the living room - kids on the floor with towels and me on the couch, wide awake every time one of them moved. Dietrich slept in the bedroom because he didn't start with all the yuckies until around midnight. Today's Thursday and we're just now getting back on track here. Thank god. Whatever it was - sucked major ass.
Holden finished his 2nd week of therapy today. He's now in ST and OT twice week (30 minutes each), so 2 hours total. I'm learning some techniques to do with him at home and he seems to be responding much better this week than last. I guess it takes some getting used to at his age. He's using the sign for "more" all the time now. Although, he uses it more for "I want", instead of just "more". He's also making much better eye contact, which is a good thing. I really think when he starts talking (hopefully soon), he'll be a much happier little boy. Right now, he gets extremely frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants.
I'm doing much better this week. I think the being sick thing was a blessing in disguise. I remember thinking, while we were all feeling near death, that we're incredibly lucky to have our health. Yes, this autism "thing" blows, but, overall - it could be much much worse. My kids are healthy and happy, and even though they may have some challenges to overcome - don't we all? Also, Dietrich's friend at work was telling him about his 9 year old nephew. He started having "fits" of vomitting and shaking - kind of like a seizure, and they found a cyst in his brain. I just. Wow. My heart goes out to his family. I know there's no cure for autism and I know that it's something we'll live with forever. But, with hard work and dedication - I think Holden can overcome this and continue to be the happy little boy that he is now.
Now, don't get me wrong - I'll be crying tomorrow. About something. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain hormonal.
Last weekend, we all had the flu. All. Of. Us. All 4 of us. Stuck in this house together, puking and shitting our brains out. I'm not kidding when I say I was puking every 30 minutes for the first 4-5 hours, and shitting in between. Try doing that AND taking care of 2 kids who have the same thing. Not fun. We all slept out in the living room - kids on the floor with towels and me on the couch, wide awake every time one of them moved. Dietrich slept in the bedroom because he didn't start with all the yuckies until around midnight. Today's Thursday and we're just now getting back on track here. Thank god. Whatever it was - sucked major ass.
Holden finished his 2nd week of therapy today. He's now in ST and OT twice week (30 minutes each), so 2 hours total. I'm learning some techniques to do with him at home and he seems to be responding much better this week than last. I guess it takes some getting used to at his age. He's using the sign for "more" all the time now. Although, he uses it more for "I want", instead of just "more". He's also making much better eye contact, which is a good thing. I really think when he starts talking (hopefully soon), he'll be a much happier little boy. Right now, he gets extremely frustrated when he can't communicate what he wants.
I'm doing much better this week. I think the being sick thing was a blessing in disguise. I remember thinking, while we were all feeling near death, that we're incredibly lucky to have our health. Yes, this autism "thing" blows, but, overall - it could be much much worse. My kids are healthy and happy, and even though they may have some challenges to overcome - don't we all? Also, Dietrich's friend at work was telling him about his 9 year old nephew. He started having "fits" of vomitting and shaking - kind of like a seizure, and they found a cyst in his brain. I just. Wow. My heart goes out to his family. I know there's no cure for autism and I know that it's something we'll live with forever. But, with hard work and dedication - I think Holden can overcome this and continue to be the happy little boy that he is now.
Now, don't get me wrong - I'll be crying tomorrow. About something. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just plain hormonal.
3.06.2007
16 Weeks & More
Today I'm 16 weeks pregnant. My quad blood screen came back negative for all of the genetic problems they check for, so that's good. My sugars suck first thing in the morning - my fasting levels are high. Which means, I'll have to start insulin injections at night (soon, I just know it). I've lost 9 lbs total since my first appointment at 8 weeks. Which, normally would thrill me to no end.
Since my last post things have been hectic, to say the least. There's been a lot of stress, worry, tears, lack of eating, sleepless nights, and more tears. In the past 1-2 months, we've come to realize that Holden is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I saw somewhere because we haven't been given an official diagnosis, other than he has "autistic tendencies". In the past 2 weeks, we have seen his regular pediatrician, had a PT evaluation, an OT evaluation, a Speech evaluation, and spoken to our family care coordinator with the Early Intervention program.
Today is his first day of Speech Therapy. He can only do 30 minutes sessions because of his age, so today, from 4-4:30, the journey begins. Thursday, he will have Speech and OT. Luckily, he wasn't recommended for PT at this time. He's in the 19m-27m age level for PT; so, that's a good thing. One less thing to focus on. I have no idea what to expect with these 30 minute sessions. It's hard for me to imagine that therapy can take place in 30 minutes. But, I'm going to leave it to the experts and hopefully I will learn a lot in the process.
I've been worried about Holden for a few months now. He was right on target with developmental milestones until around the age of 15, 16, 17 months. He had a few words in his vocabulary - not many. "Mama", "Dada", "Bella", "Yes", "No". During those 3 months (from 15-18), he lost those words. Actually, he became very quiet during that time. Not a lot of babbling, or noises of any kind. He picked up the babbling again around 18 months and we thought for sure that would be the turning point. That he would start talking and having conversations with us. It didn't happen. We thought maybe it was just because he wasn't exposed to other kids, as I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. But, daycare costs weren't in our budget, so we decided against putting him in daycare. We thought maybe it was because he just watched a little too much Sesame Street during the day. We thought maybe he was just a boy and a "late bloomer" and would start talking soon. It didn't happen. In the meantime, I googled "Speech Delay in Toddlers" and noticed that practically every link available took me to a site for autism. I began to read the signs and symptoms and realized that maybe it wasn't just a speech delay afterall. He had signs. He had symptoms. My heart fell into my stomach.
Holden doesn't have a lot of eye contact. More with me, and his dad - than with strangers. I would say he makes eye contact maybe 50% of the time that he should. He responds to us calling him maybe 50% of the time as well; although that's delayed. I'll call him and he won't respond for 10 seconds or more. He loves stacking his blocks, taking them down, restacking them. He never brings me to his toys, or shows me anything he may want, or need. He doesn't play with his cars like he should. He plays with them, but only to put them in a pile in his lap or crawl over them. He likes books. But he likes to turn the pages, not necessarily l0ok at the pictures or let mama read to him.
With that being said, he loves hugs. He loves to be held and for me to rock him any time of the day. He has the biggest, most hugest dimples when he smiles, which has been more frequent lately. He loves bubbles, and has even learned a few new words in the past few weeks. He says "bubbles", "dada", "didi", "bibi", "juice". During the Speech evaluation last week, she tried to teach him the sign for "more". He now does it, although sometimes it looks more like he's clapping than the real sign for it. But, I know what he means. He listens when I tell him to "get down", or "stop", or "no", so I know he hears me, and understands what I say. I've been told by other moms that it sounds as though he's on the mild end of the spectrum. Which, is good, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, some days, I'm overwhelmed by this label that's soon to be put on my 2nd born child, my little boy. I know the diagnosis is coming, as we have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician on April 17th, followed by a 2.5 hour evaluation by the Early Intervention program on April 19th. I know that it won't change who he is. I know he'll still be my sweet little boy that hugs me for no reason and gives me kisses. I'll still sleep in bed with him each night and hold him close, as I say a prayer that he will be protected and that I'll somehow have the strength to get through this and give him everything he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, I worry. I worry every waking moment of every day, and every sleeping moment of every night. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying, I wake up in the middle of the night ... worrying. I worry that he won't experience some of the joys of life. That he won't grow up and have friends, play soccer, get his drivers license, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a good job, get married and have kids of his own. I worry because of all the negative things I read about kids who are on the autistic spectrum. It consumes me, literally. I can't watch my favorite TV shows at night without thinking about autism, and worrying about him. I just sometimes feel like I need a break. A break from thinking. Everyone says "have faith" that things will work out. Or, "you're doing all you can". Or, "you caught it early and he'll be fine". The truth is that no one knows if things will work out, or if he'll be fine. I want so desperately to be positive about this. I want to feel okay with it. I want to be able to accept it. And not watch other moms with their sons cross the parking lot, or watch boys walking home from school when I wait to pick up Zoe each afternoon, and ask "why me?" I want to know that there's a purpose for this. That it's happening for a reason and goddamn it, I want to know what the reason is. Why my precious little boy has to struggle and why things can't just come naturally for him. Why.
I've always known how much I love my family. But, in the past month or 2, I've come to realize that my kids and my husband are truly my life. My family is my support system. My husband is my rock, and my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. My kids make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to share their lives. Even my parents and my brothers, and my in-laws - they've all shown me what family really means. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to realize how many blessings we have in our lives. I have so many. So, so many.
I sometime wish this roller coaster of emotions would just stop and let me off.
Since my last post things have been hectic, to say the least. There's been a lot of stress, worry, tears, lack of eating, sleepless nights, and more tears. In the past 1-2 months, we've come to realize that Holden is somewhere on the autistic spectrum. I saw somewhere because we haven't been given an official diagnosis, other than he has "autistic tendencies". In the past 2 weeks, we have seen his regular pediatrician, had a PT evaluation, an OT evaluation, a Speech evaluation, and spoken to our family care coordinator with the Early Intervention program.
Today is his first day of Speech Therapy. He can only do 30 minutes sessions because of his age, so today, from 4-4:30, the journey begins. Thursday, he will have Speech and OT. Luckily, he wasn't recommended for PT at this time. He's in the 19m-27m age level for PT; so, that's a good thing. One less thing to focus on. I have no idea what to expect with these 30 minute sessions. It's hard for me to imagine that therapy can take place in 30 minutes. But, I'm going to leave it to the experts and hopefully I will learn a lot in the process.
I've been worried about Holden for a few months now. He was right on target with developmental milestones until around the age of 15, 16, 17 months. He had a few words in his vocabulary - not many. "Mama", "Dada", "Bella", "Yes", "No". During those 3 months (from 15-18), he lost those words. Actually, he became very quiet during that time. Not a lot of babbling, or noises of any kind. He picked up the babbling again around 18 months and we thought for sure that would be the turning point. That he would start talking and having conversations with us. It didn't happen. We thought maybe it was just because he wasn't exposed to other kids, as I'm a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom. But, daycare costs weren't in our budget, so we decided against putting him in daycare. We thought maybe it was because he just watched a little too much Sesame Street during the day. We thought maybe he was just a boy and a "late bloomer" and would start talking soon. It didn't happen. In the meantime, I googled "Speech Delay in Toddlers" and noticed that practically every link available took me to a site for autism. I began to read the signs and symptoms and realized that maybe it wasn't just a speech delay afterall. He had signs. He had symptoms. My heart fell into my stomach.
Holden doesn't have a lot of eye contact. More with me, and his dad - than with strangers. I would say he makes eye contact maybe 50% of the time that he should. He responds to us calling him maybe 50% of the time as well; although that's delayed. I'll call him and he won't respond for 10 seconds or more. He loves stacking his blocks, taking them down, restacking them. He never brings me to his toys, or shows me anything he may want, or need. He doesn't play with his cars like he should. He plays with them, but only to put them in a pile in his lap or crawl over them. He likes books. But he likes to turn the pages, not necessarily l0ok at the pictures or let mama read to him.
With that being said, he loves hugs. He loves to be held and for me to rock him any time of the day. He has the biggest, most hugest dimples when he smiles, which has been more frequent lately. He loves bubbles, and has even learned a few new words in the past few weeks. He says "bubbles", "dada", "didi", "bibi", "juice". During the Speech evaluation last week, she tried to teach him the sign for "more". He now does it, although sometimes it looks more like he's clapping than the real sign for it. But, I know what he means. He listens when I tell him to "get down", or "stop", or "no", so I know he hears me, and understands what I say. I've been told by other moms that it sounds as though he's on the mild end of the spectrum. Which, is good, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for.
But, some days, I'm overwhelmed by this label that's soon to be put on my 2nd born child, my little boy. I know the diagnosis is coming, as we have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician on April 17th, followed by a 2.5 hour evaluation by the Early Intervention program on April 19th. I know that it won't change who he is. I know he'll still be my sweet little boy that hugs me for no reason and gives me kisses. I'll still sleep in bed with him each night and hold him close, as I say a prayer that he will be protected and that I'll somehow have the strength to get through this and give him everything he needs to have a happy and fulfilling life. But, I worry. I worry every waking moment of every day, and every sleeping moment of every night. I wake up worrying, I go to bed worrying, I wake up in the middle of the night ... worrying. I worry that he won't experience some of the joys of life. That he won't grow up and have friends, play soccer, get his drivers license, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a good job, get married and have kids of his own. I worry because of all the negative things I read about kids who are on the autistic spectrum. It consumes me, literally. I can't watch my favorite TV shows at night without thinking about autism, and worrying about him. I just sometimes feel like I need a break. A break from thinking. Everyone says "have faith" that things will work out. Or, "you're doing all you can". Or, "you caught it early and he'll be fine". The truth is that no one knows if things will work out, or if he'll be fine. I want so desperately to be positive about this. I want to feel okay with it. I want to be able to accept it. And not watch other moms with their sons cross the parking lot, or watch boys walking home from school when I wait to pick up Zoe each afternoon, and ask "why me?" I want to know that there's a purpose for this. That it's happening for a reason and goddamn it, I want to know what the reason is. Why my precious little boy has to struggle and why things can't just come naturally for him. Why.
I've always known how much I love my family. But, in the past month or 2, I've come to realize that my kids and my husband are truly my life. My family is my support system. My husband is my rock, and my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. My kids make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen to share their lives. Even my parents and my brothers, and my in-laws - they've all shown me what family really means. I guess sometimes it takes something like this to realize how many blessings we have in our lives. I have so many. So, so many.
I sometime wish this roller coaster of emotions would just stop and let me off.
1.23.2007
10 weeks, today
I'm 10 weeks pregnant, today. Hey, every day counts, trust me. At least for me anyway. I'm not the best pregnant woman to be around. 7 years ago when I was pregant with Zoe, I was miserable. Tired, sick, uncomfortable, HOT (that's what I get for going through pregnancy in the dead summer in Florida), and just plain wanting the pregnancy to end. In a good way, of course. With a healthy and happy baby ... but just to be over. She was stubborn and I ended up being induced a week after her duedate. After 22.5 hours of labor, she was here, finally. You know, you expect the immediate bond a mother should have for her children. But after 22.5 hours, I was exhausted, full of rushing hormones, and frankly just not wanting to be bothered. I had a LOT of guilt for not feeling what I thought I should with my happy, healthy baby girl. When it was all over with, I ended up in my room on the maternity floor at 11:30pm. I chose not to breastfeed with her, mainly because I was a single mom and had to go back to work as soon as I possibly could, and just didn't know how I would handle that and breastfeeding. (Now I know it's not so bad, and that it can be done. Then, I was naieve, I guess). So they asked if I wanted her with me, or in the nursery. I opted for the nursery. At 5:45am, they brought her in to me and from that point on, she's been the joy of my life. There may not have been the immediate bond that I thought there would be, but the day after I had her, we laid in the hospital bed and cuddled, snuggled, and bonded. I'll never forget that day. Zoe's now 7 and a half yrs old.
Bring pregnant with Holden was much different. Zoe was already 5 and in school, and it had been a while since I had gone through the "joys" of prenancy. With him, I was still extremely tired, sick, and uncomfortable. See: not the best pregnant woman to be around. I found out at 24 weeks that I had gestational diabetes. What a new experience that was. I went through diabetes education and met with a nutritionist who helped me develop a diet. She said that "most" women can keep the diabetes under control with diet alone. Well, no such luck for me. My sugars were out of control, so the next step was to see a perinatologist who specialized in pregnancy and diabetes. First, he tried an oral medication (Gliburide). Didn't work. Next came the insulin injections. Morning & night. It wasn't working either though, and they had to create a cocktail of 2 different insulin meds - a fast acting and slow acting. Getting the right doses was difficult, to say the least. We never did get things under control completely, and I went in for bi-weekly stress tests to make sure he wasn't getting so big that he was running out of room. They monitored his heartbeat and kick count. The doctor scheduled a c-section because they estimated him at at least 9 lbs. (this was at my 38 week ultrasound). He was born a week later and weighed in at 9lbs. 13ozs. Going through the c-section was strange. Knowing they were cutting me open, and not feeling a thing. Strage. I remember hearing him cry and letting out a big sigh of relief. I remember when they wheeled me out of the OR, they put him on my chest and the kid felt like he weight 20 lbs. His blood sugar was really low after birth, so they had to immediately feed him 4 ozs. of formula to get his sugar up. He regulated and ended up just fine. He's happy, and healthy and a joy to be around. I did choose to breastfeed him, by the way. He's now 2 months shy of being 2 years old.
Dietrich always wanted 1 more child. I wasn't so sure after the last pregnancy with the diabetes, insuline, stress tests, c-section, etc. But, lo and behold, 10 weeks ago, we made another little one. I was actually shocked at the pregnancy test results. But, happy nonetheless. Nervous though. Nervous that this pregnancy will be like the last. That I would be ... of course, tired, sick, uncomfortable. Well, so far, I'm tired (that's for sure). But, not so much sick. Little bouts of nausea, but nothing...NOTHING compared to the last 2. I had my first appointment with the perinatologist yesterday. I have a regular OB/GYN and a high-risk doctor because of the problems with diabetes last time. Oh, and because of my "advanced maternal age" as the doc says. I had to go through the diabetes education again, and we created a high protein, low-card diet again, because I've been checking my sugar for a week now and apparently already showing signs of the gestational diabetes. The doctor was worried that I could already be a Type 2 diabetic and didn't know it. But, blood tests showed that's not the case. Yet. It's the pregnancy hormones that are causing the high sugar levels, at least for now. So, we'll follow the diet to a "T", and we'll do what we need to do to make sure this kid isn't another 10 pounder and that it's healthy. And that mama's healthy, of course. Hopefully we can steer away from the insulin this time around, as the giving myself shots again makes me shudder. This will, however, be another scheduled c-section.
Regardless, here's baby #3 and the conclusion of our little family. Although my kids are my greatest joy, this is it for me. I will definitely make sure of that!
Bring pregnant with Holden was much different. Zoe was already 5 and in school, and it had been a while since I had gone through the "joys" of prenancy. With him, I was still extremely tired, sick, and uncomfortable. See: not the best pregnant woman to be around. I found out at 24 weeks that I had gestational diabetes. What a new experience that was. I went through diabetes education and met with a nutritionist who helped me develop a diet. She said that "most" women can keep the diabetes under control with diet alone. Well, no such luck for me. My sugars were out of control, so the next step was to see a perinatologist who specialized in pregnancy and diabetes. First, he tried an oral medication (Gliburide). Didn't work. Next came the insulin injections. Morning & night. It wasn't working either though, and they had to create a cocktail of 2 different insulin meds - a fast acting and slow acting. Getting the right doses was difficult, to say the least. We never did get things under control completely, and I went in for bi-weekly stress tests to make sure he wasn't getting so big that he was running out of room. They monitored his heartbeat and kick count. The doctor scheduled a c-section because they estimated him at at least 9 lbs. (this was at my 38 week ultrasound). He was born a week later and weighed in at 9lbs. 13ozs. Going through the c-section was strange. Knowing they were cutting me open, and not feeling a thing. Strage. I remember hearing him cry and letting out a big sigh of relief. I remember when they wheeled me out of the OR, they put him on my chest and the kid felt like he weight 20 lbs. His blood sugar was really low after birth, so they had to immediately feed him 4 ozs. of formula to get his sugar up. He regulated and ended up just fine. He's happy, and healthy and a joy to be around. I did choose to breastfeed him, by the way. He's now 2 months shy of being 2 years old.
Dietrich always wanted 1 more child. I wasn't so sure after the last pregnancy with the diabetes, insuline, stress tests, c-section, etc. But, lo and behold, 10 weeks ago, we made another little one. I was actually shocked at the pregnancy test results. But, happy nonetheless. Nervous though. Nervous that this pregnancy will be like the last. That I would be ... of course, tired, sick, uncomfortable. Well, so far, I'm tired (that's for sure). But, not so much sick. Little bouts of nausea, but nothing...NOTHING compared to the last 2. I had my first appointment with the perinatologist yesterday. I have a regular OB/GYN and a high-risk doctor because of the problems with diabetes last time. Oh, and because of my "advanced maternal age" as the doc says. I had to go through the diabetes education again, and we created a high protein, low-card diet again, because I've been checking my sugar for a week now and apparently already showing signs of the gestational diabetes. The doctor was worried that I could already be a Type 2 diabetic and didn't know it. But, blood tests showed that's not the case. Yet. It's the pregnancy hormones that are causing the high sugar levels, at least for now. So, we'll follow the diet to a "T", and we'll do what we need to do to make sure this kid isn't another 10 pounder and that it's healthy. And that mama's healthy, of course. Hopefully we can steer away from the insulin this time around, as the giving myself shots again makes me shudder. This will, however, be another scheduled c-section.
Regardless, here's baby #3 and the conclusion of our little family. Although my kids are my greatest joy, this is it for me. I will definitely make sure of that!
8.29.2006
WTF?
It seems that no matter what I eat, I feel guilty for eating. Like, I just shouldn't eat at all. I don't know why. Even if it's something that's 'good' for me, I still feel guilt for eating. I normally drink a LOT of water, even with meals. So, maybe it's the really full feeling I get, even if I don't eat a lot. Maybe I'll associate feeling full with guilt which will in turn make me not want to be overly full, which will help me eat less. Maybe? I can only hope.
Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.
Oh, and as for the exercise. I've been outside for a total of 30 minutes today and that was to take Zoe to school and go stock up on bottled water before our tropical storm hits tomorrow. Lemme just say, Florida in August. TOO GODDAMN HOT to even think about getting outside for exercise. Can't do it. Can't breathe. Muggy. Sucks. So, my goal is to do some sort of exercise inside tonight - probably situps and pushups. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. What I can't do is go outside for any length of time.
8.28.2006
Come Monday it'll be alright.
It was a relaxing weekend. Dietrich had Friday off, so it felt like a 3 day weekend for me, too. Even though I'm a stay-at-home-mom and I'm home all the time. It just feels like a tiny vacation when he's home for 3 days in a row to help me with the little ones.
I woke up yesterday to find out that tropical storm Ernesto is supposed to hit Florida now. Which wasn't predicted previously. So, our first storm of the season. And, Dietrich is scheduled to go to Puerto Rico for a night on Wednesday. The storm is supposed to hit either Wednesday or Thursday in our area. I don't think he'll be going this week. That's a relief.
Oh, Saturday was Zoe's belt promotion at Taekwondo. She's now a blue belt. I think. Or maybe it's purple. Anyway, she's only 5 belts away from black now. I was so proud watching her, so that was the highlight of the weekend. Sunday was full of doing nothing but relaxing after the yard work in the morning. Dietrich worked on a website, I took a nap with Holden, and Zoe played with the neighbor kids. Good times.
I've now really cut down on the snacking and I'm proud of myself. I'm not a big snacker anyway, cept at night. But, I've cooked good, healthy meals for the family over the past 3 days and it feels pretty darn good. Good to know that the kids are eating healthy and good to know that I may just finally start losing a bit of weight. I still haven't tackled the exercise issue though. There was lots of walking around on Saturday, but nothing strenuous that could be called exercise. My goal is to start at the very least by going for a walk twice this week, and doing situps at night while I'm wishing I could snack. Maybe that'll take my mind off of wanting cheddar goldfish. We shall see.
I woke up yesterday to find out that tropical storm Ernesto is supposed to hit Florida now. Which wasn't predicted previously. So, our first storm of the season. And, Dietrich is scheduled to go to Puerto Rico for a night on Wednesday. The storm is supposed to hit either Wednesday or Thursday in our area. I don't think he'll be going this week. That's a relief.
Oh, Saturday was Zoe's belt promotion at Taekwondo. She's now a blue belt. I think. Or maybe it's purple. Anyway, she's only 5 belts away from black now. I was so proud watching her, so that was the highlight of the weekend. Sunday was full of doing nothing but relaxing after the yard work in the morning. Dietrich worked on a website, I took a nap with Holden, and Zoe played with the neighbor kids. Good times.
I've now really cut down on the snacking and I'm proud of myself. I'm not a big snacker anyway, cept at night. But, I've cooked good, healthy meals for the family over the past 3 days and it feels pretty darn good. Good to know that the kids are eating healthy and good to know that I may just finally start losing a bit of weight. I still haven't tackled the exercise issue though. There was lots of walking around on Saturday, but nothing strenuous that could be called exercise. My goal is to start at the very least by going for a walk twice this week, and doing situps at night while I'm wishing I could snack. Maybe that'll take my mind off of wanting cheddar goldfish. We shall see.
7.19.2006
she's .... grown up
Zoe's having her first "sleep over" as we speak. I know, she's 6 (will be 7 in 2 weeks) and it's about time. But, holy moly. It's 10:37pm and I'm wondering what my "baby" is doing. Is she sleeping? Is she playing dolls (bratz)? Is she wishing she were home? Of course, I'm sure she's fine, but, it's just me. Kinda, sorta wishing she were wishing she were home. I know, there's many more of these in the future, and then...and then...the REAL sleepovers when she just lies to me and tells me she's sleeping at a friends house and then goes to some stupid frat party and is out all night. Ugggg. I know, I'm way ahead of myself, but, JESUS, it goes SO INCREDIBLY fast.
Lord help me!
Lord help me!
6.11.2006
it's been a long time.
holy poop, it's been a long time since i've been able to post here. lots has happened in the past month and a half:
1.) zoe has been promoted to a yellow belt now; and will have another promotion this week where she'll get her camo belt.
2.) holden has 3, yes, THREE new teeth. for a total of 8 all together.
3.) the in-laws came to stay for a week, and a lot of wine was consumed.
4.) zoe's out of school for the summer.
5.) our dryer died, we have a new one being delivered in 2 days. next month, i'll still be catching up on laundry.
6.) i found a new hair dresser. i like her. my "ex-hairdresser" has done way too many drugs in her life, and it's all catching up with her. she can't do my hair without shaking like a leaf. makes me a bit nervous.
7.) i got a new car/truck for mother's day (buick rendevous).
8.) i've memorized every word to every song of the doodlebops on the disney channel since that's all holden will watch.
9.) my mom and dad are speaking again after being divorced for 5 years (after 35 years of marriage), it happens about once every 6 months - they get on this kick. it would be okay, if he weren't married. i think it's okay anyway, cause i hate her.
10.) holden's in a screaming phase. SCREAMING, i tell you. loud. all the time. if he doesn't get what he wants ... screams. if he wakes up ... screams. i can't wait till this phase is over. (*crossing fingers that it will be over eventually*).
11.) hurricane season is officially underway and we have our first named storm of the year, tropical storm alberto. (coming on shore, as we speak)
12.) the world cup is on.
13.) i've decided take myself off of zoloft and the withdrawals are KILLING me. i'm considering going back on, yes, they're THAT bad.
so, that's about all i can think of to update everyone on everything that's been going on. hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i have time to sit down and post again!
1.) zoe has been promoted to a yellow belt now; and will have another promotion this week where she'll get her camo belt.
2.) holden has 3, yes, THREE new teeth. for a total of 8 all together.
3.) the in-laws came to stay for a week, and a lot of wine was consumed.
4.) zoe's out of school for the summer.
5.) our dryer died, we have a new one being delivered in 2 days. next month, i'll still be catching up on laundry.
6.) i found a new hair dresser. i like her. my "ex-hairdresser" has done way too many drugs in her life, and it's all catching up with her. she can't do my hair without shaking like a leaf. makes me a bit nervous.
7.) i got a new car/truck for mother's day (buick rendevous).
8.) i've memorized every word to every song of the doodlebops on the disney channel since that's all holden will watch.
9.) my mom and dad are speaking again after being divorced for 5 years (after 35 years of marriage), it happens about once every 6 months - they get on this kick. it would be okay, if he weren't married. i think it's okay anyway, cause i hate her.
10.) holden's in a screaming phase. SCREAMING, i tell you. loud. all the time. if he doesn't get what he wants ... screams. if he wakes up ... screams. i can't wait till this phase is over. (*crossing fingers that it will be over eventually*).
11.) hurricane season is officially underway and we have our first named storm of the year, tropical storm alberto. (coming on shore, as we speak)
12.) the world cup is on.
13.) i've decided take myself off of zoloft and the withdrawals are KILLING me. i'm considering going back on, yes, they're THAT bad.
so, that's about all i can think of to update everyone on everything that's been going on. hopefully it won't be another 2 months before i have time to sit down and post again!
4.26.2006
karate kid
zoe has recently been promoted to her orange belt in tai kwon do. she was so proud of herself! course, not nearly as proud as her daddy and me. putting her in tai kwon do was a really good thing. they teach discipline, respect, etc. more than just defending yourself, which is enough these days! especially for little girls. we signed her up for the leadership program, so now she'll go two days a week for class, and one day a week for sparing. and they'll teach her more on a one on one basis to help advance her belt status. you boys better BACK OFF! Kick some ass, baby!
that's my girl!
that's my girl!
can i have that? i'll put it back, i promise.
holden has a new thing. he likes removing things from whereever they are, and then putting them all back. he does this with EVERYTHING. we have a basket where all of our shoes are in next to the door. he takes out all of the shoes. then puts them back in. he does this with laundry, too. takes all of the clothes out of the basket, then puts them back in. drawers in the kitchen, takes out the kitchen towels and oven mitts, only to put them back. takes his toys out of the wine cabinet (which i should just rename as holden's toybox), then puts them back. he does this a lot. i watch him and just wonder what could possibly be going through his little mind and how he finds this the least bit amusing. it would be great (seeing as he puts things up), cept, after about the 3rd time, he usually decides to NOT put things back where he got them.
feeding bella (our dog) has gotten out of control. at least 40-50% of holden's meals are fed to the dog. he waits for her, then holds his food out (down) so she can reach him and then feeds her. or, he'll just throw the food on the floor and watch her eat. he finds this funny. bella does, too.
feeding bella (our dog) has gotten out of control. at least 40-50% of holden's meals are fed to the dog. he waits for her, then holds his food out (down) so she can reach him and then feeds her. or, he'll just throw the food on the floor and watch her eat. he finds this funny. bella does, too.
4.10.2006
a year in review
holden is a year old today. it's amazing how time flies! we've been so busy this past year, it just doesn't seem possible that he's a year old.
at 1 year, he's walking all over the place. he's saying "dada", "mama", "nana", "book", "bella", and i suspect he's saying something that means "zoe", such as "yo-yo". he's into EVERYTHING. all of the drawers and cabinets in the house have been cleared out as much as possible. he loves his soccer balls and kicks them around the house all the time. he loves bike rides. and he just wants to be outside all. of. the. time.
we had a party for him on saturday. my brother and sister in law's anniversary was on sunday, so, we went indoor skydiving on sunday to just celebrate it all at once. seriously, that was the most fun i've had in a long time. today, i'm sore. dunno why, but my arm pits are killing me. i guess it's the skydiving position or something. anyway, i will definitely do it again.
while we were all getting dressed for the skydiving, poor holden fell and hit the side of his face - his cheek bone - on a metal bench. he now has a horrible bruise on his right cheek. just in time for his first birthday pictures. can't wait to get going on that scrapbook page.
so, here's to another year of bliss!! happy birthday baby boy!
at 1 year, he's walking all over the place. he's saying "dada", "mama", "nana", "book", "bella", and i suspect he's saying something that means "zoe", such as "yo-yo". he's into EVERYTHING. all of the drawers and cabinets in the house have been cleared out as much as possible. he loves his soccer balls and kicks them around the house all the time. he loves bike rides. and he just wants to be outside all. of. the. time.
we had a party for him on saturday. my brother and sister in law's anniversary was on sunday, so, we went indoor skydiving on sunday to just celebrate it all at once. seriously, that was the most fun i've had in a long time. today, i'm sore. dunno why, but my arm pits are killing me. i guess it's the skydiving position or something. anyway, i will definitely do it again.
while we were all getting dressed for the skydiving, poor holden fell and hit the side of his face - his cheek bone - on a metal bench. he now has a horrible bruise on his right cheek. just in time for his first birthday pictures. can't wait to get going on that scrapbook page.
so, here's to another year of bliss!! happy birthday baby boy!
4.07.2006
Am I Crazy?
I think I may be. Crazy, that is. For 3 nights in a row, I've laid in bed and had thoughts of having another baby. Holden will be a year old on Monday, April 10th. Zoe will be 7 this year. Maybe it's because I'll be 36 this year, and I know that I'm at, or close to, the "now or never" stage. Sure, women are having kids well into their 40's and even 50's these days. But, that's just not for me.
I can't help but think about how difficult my 2 pregnancies were. It took 23 hours of labor for Zoe to arrive. She developed asthma pretty much from day 1, and spent at least a month total in the hospital in the first 2 years of her life. Not to mention, most of that time, I was a single parent. So, basically - NO sleep until she was at least 3, and until Dietrich came into our lives to help with her. With Holden, I developed gestational diabetes and eventually had to give myself 2 shots of insulin a day to try and control it. Still didn't work, my sugars were out of control - even with the diet and insulin injections. I counted down the seconds until the c-section so that it would be over. He was born with bi-lateral kidney reflux, which isn't too much of a big deal. Except for during routine tests, we recently found out that he has an obstruction in his left kidney that will more than likely require surgery over the next few months. I can't even stand the thought of him going through major surgery like that. The lack of sleep over the past 7 years of my life has been, well, not easy.
But, although it hasn't been easy, being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done. I love it. I'm in a position where I can stay home with Holden. I can take Zoe to school in the mornings, pick her up in the afternoons, and actually spend time with my kids. Watching them grow has given me more happiness than anything else in my life. Another question I ask myself is: if we had another baby, would I still be in the position financially to stay home with the kids? Another thing to think about.
So, even with all of the reasons why NOT to have another baby; I look at the 2 I have and wonder why in the world I wouldn't want just 1 more. At the same time, I look at the 2 wonderful children I'm blessed with, and know I should just be thankful that I have them (which I am!), since a lot of people aren't able to experience being a parent for many different reasons.
As you can see, I'm confused.
I think I may be crazy.
I can't help but think about how difficult my 2 pregnancies were. It took 23 hours of labor for Zoe to arrive. She developed asthma pretty much from day 1, and spent at least a month total in the hospital in the first 2 years of her life. Not to mention, most of that time, I was a single parent. So, basically - NO sleep until she was at least 3, and until Dietrich came into our lives to help with her. With Holden, I developed gestational diabetes and eventually had to give myself 2 shots of insulin a day to try and control it. Still didn't work, my sugars were out of control - even with the diet and insulin injections. I counted down the seconds until the c-section so that it would be over. He was born with bi-lateral kidney reflux, which isn't too much of a big deal. Except for during routine tests, we recently found out that he has an obstruction in his left kidney that will more than likely require surgery over the next few months. I can't even stand the thought of him going through major surgery like that. The lack of sleep over the past 7 years of my life has been, well, not easy.
But, although it hasn't been easy, being a mom has been the best thing I've ever done. I love it. I'm in a position where I can stay home with Holden. I can take Zoe to school in the mornings, pick her up in the afternoons, and actually spend time with my kids. Watching them grow has given me more happiness than anything else in my life. Another question I ask myself is: if we had another baby, would I still be in the position financially to stay home with the kids? Another thing to think about.
So, even with all of the reasons why NOT to have another baby; I look at the 2 I have and wonder why in the world I wouldn't want just 1 more. At the same time, I look at the 2 wonderful children I'm blessed with, and know I should just be thankful that I have them (which I am!), since a lot of people aren't able to experience being a parent for many different reasons.
As you can see, I'm confused.
I think I may be crazy.
3.26.2006
Things to ponder ...
So, watching Dateline NBC tonight (it was actually on last night, thank god for DVR) made me really think. It was a story about Michael Shiavo. For those of you who don't live in Florida and haven't been bombarded by this story (I'm sure there are very few of you), this week marks the 1 year anniversary of Terry Shiavo's death. I've always been on the fence when it comes to this story. Husband says she didn't want to live in a "persistent vegetative state". Parents say that she was improving. The 2 families fought for YEARS. All the while, the husband became engaged to another woman and had 2 children with her. Here's the thing that disturbs me about this. He writes a book that's coming out this week. So he decides to do his first ever television interview ... NOW. At the time of the book release. He cried. He said in his last minute with her before she basically starved to death - that he held her as he did the night/morning she collapsed 15 years ago and told her he loved her, and she died. Another thing that really got me about the interview though - in his defense - Matt Lauer just couldn't believe that a 22 yr old would say to her husband on a train ride "honey, I never want to be a burden and live that way". They were discussing her Uncle, who apparently was severely disabled. In his defense, I know I've said that to my husband before. I really don't know if I've ever said it to my parents ... but I know I've said it to my husband. So, question is...how many of us have a living will? I don't. I need one. Cause I would choose to leave this world if I had to live in that kind of 'state' for the rest of my life. And, would want my husband to have as normal life as possible.
Other headlines:
The ministers wife who shot him with a shotgun. Huh? Everyone says "but, they had the perfect marriage". Well, apparently not! Theories include post-pardem depression. Her youngest is 1. Who knows why she did it, but, as a woman, I sometimes wonder if more excuses are made when a woman kills her husband, vs. a man who kills his wife. She must have been beaten. Or, he must have been emotionally abusive. Why? Can't she just be sick, etc?
Natalle Holloway. How long will it take to find out what REALLY happened to this girl? I saw an interview on 48 hours mystery tonight with her mom. Apparently there's "new" evidence in the case that suggests maybe she was burried two different times. Her body was moved to conceal evidence. Ya think? Anyway, they asked her mom "What gives you hope at this point?" Her response ... "Nothing, I have no hope now." I can't imagine my daughter being gone and not knowing what happened to her, or where she is. Her mom says she knows what happened, but no one's telling the truth. Makes me wonder ... do we have a crazy maternal instinct that could possibly tell us in some what what happens to our children when they turn up missing? Do we just instinctively "know"? It broke my heart to hear her say "I have no hope now." Just can't imagine the pain of losing a child.
Anyway. These are things I've been thinking about tonight.
Other headlines:
The ministers wife who shot him with a shotgun. Huh? Everyone says "but, they had the perfect marriage". Well, apparently not! Theories include post-pardem depression. Her youngest is 1. Who knows why she did it, but, as a woman, I sometimes wonder if more excuses are made when a woman kills her husband, vs. a man who kills his wife. She must have been beaten. Or, he must have been emotionally abusive. Why? Can't she just be sick, etc?
Natalle Holloway. How long will it take to find out what REALLY happened to this girl? I saw an interview on 48 hours mystery tonight with her mom. Apparently there's "new" evidence in the case that suggests maybe she was burried two different times. Her body was moved to conceal evidence. Ya think? Anyway, they asked her mom "What gives you hope at this point?" Her response ... "Nothing, I have no hope now." I can't imagine my daughter being gone and not knowing what happened to her, or where she is. Her mom says she knows what happened, but no one's telling the truth. Makes me wonder ... do we have a crazy maternal instinct that could possibly tell us in some what what happens to our children when they turn up missing? Do we just instinctively "know"? It broke my heart to hear her say "I have no hope now." Just can't imagine the pain of losing a child.
Anyway. These are things I've been thinking about tonight.
2.23.2006
Musical Beds
Apparently, it's a new 'game' we play at our house. Or, at least we were all playing last night. It goes a little something like this:
At 7pm last night, I rocked Holden to sleep. Normal? Yes. He went down in his bed. Meanwhile in our bedroom, Zoe laid (and eventually fell asleep) on our bed while Dietrich played a computer game. She likes watching him play. Still pretty normal. At 10pm, Dietrich carries Zoe to her bed. 10:30pm, I'm exhausted. I go to bed, with Dietrich, in our bed. 11:30pm - Dietrich can't sleep, so he decides to go sleep on the spare bed in Holden's room. At which time, Holden decides he wants to wake up and scream until I put him in bed with me. I do. 1.5 hours later, Holden wets his diaper to the point that he needs his clothes changed (and the diaper, of course). So, I get up, take care of that, and go back to bed. In hopes of finally sleeping. 2am - Zoe wakes me up because she's not feeling well and can't sleep. She's wheezing, so I get up, give her 2 puffs of her 'puffer', and put her back to bed (her bed). 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - STILL can't sleep. So, I put her on the couch to see if she can finally get comfortable enough to sleep. 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - can't sleep. Scared cause it's dark in the living room. SO, I pick up Holden and put him back in his bed, so that she'll have room in MY bed. She gets in bed with me. At which time, I lay there for an hour trying to fall asleep and figure out if I've even been asleep yet. At 3:45am, Bella (the dog) decides she'd now like to sleep in my bed, instead of the spare bed with Dietrich. So, she wakes me up trying to get comfortable next to me. At 5am, I lay there, eyes wide open. I decided to just get up and started doing a bit of research online about asthma and allergies. Trying to find a remedy for Zoe's sleepless-ness due to coughing, wheezing, etc. Amazed that Holden is still actually asleep, at 6am I get back in bed with Zoe to try and get an hour sleep before I have to wake her up and get her ready for school. At 6:05am, Holden cries. I go get him.
And there you have it, folks. Eventually, I woke Zoe up for school. Dietrich woke up for work. We started our day, and we're still going. I don't know how, but I'm still going.
So, I'm thinking we should apply for a patent for our new 'game' - Musical Beds. Afterall, we're experts at it. If we can talk the olympic committee into recognizing it as a sport, we would all hold gold medals! I figure if curling can be an olympic sport, why can't musical beds?
At 7pm last night, I rocked Holden to sleep. Normal? Yes. He went down in his bed. Meanwhile in our bedroom, Zoe laid (and eventually fell asleep) on our bed while Dietrich played a computer game. She likes watching him play. Still pretty normal. At 10pm, Dietrich carries Zoe to her bed. 10:30pm, I'm exhausted. I go to bed, with Dietrich, in our bed. 11:30pm - Dietrich can't sleep, so he decides to go sleep on the spare bed in Holden's room. At which time, Holden decides he wants to wake up and scream until I put him in bed with me. I do. 1.5 hours later, Holden wets his diaper to the point that he needs his clothes changed (and the diaper, of course). So, I get up, take care of that, and go back to bed. In hopes of finally sleeping. 2am - Zoe wakes me up because she's not feeling well and can't sleep. She's wheezing, so I get up, give her 2 puffs of her 'puffer', and put her back to bed (her bed). 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - STILL can't sleep. So, I put her on the couch to see if she can finally get comfortable enough to sleep. 30 minutes later, she's back in my room - can't sleep. Scared cause it's dark in the living room. SO, I pick up Holden and put him back in his bed, so that she'll have room in MY bed. She gets in bed with me. At which time, I lay there for an hour trying to fall asleep and figure out if I've even been asleep yet. At 3:45am, Bella (the dog) decides she'd now like to sleep in my bed, instead of the spare bed with Dietrich. So, she wakes me up trying to get comfortable next to me. At 5am, I lay there, eyes wide open. I decided to just get up and started doing a bit of research online about asthma and allergies. Trying to find a remedy for Zoe's sleepless-ness due to coughing, wheezing, etc. Amazed that Holden is still actually asleep, at 6am I get back in bed with Zoe to try and get an hour sleep before I have to wake her up and get her ready for school. At 6:05am, Holden cries. I go get him.
And there you have it, folks. Eventually, I woke Zoe up for school. Dietrich woke up for work. We started our day, and we're still going. I don't know how, but I'm still going.
So, I'm thinking we should apply for a patent for our new 'game' - Musical Beds. Afterall, we're experts at it. If we can talk the olympic committee into recognizing it as a sport, we would all hold gold medals! I figure if curling can be an olympic sport, why can't musical beds?
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